i wrote this the other night...

Today, things were nice. Last night I had talked with Army Boy about everything that’s been keeping me up at night. We talked about school and what that means for us. I told him that I would really love for him to move in with me but I’m afraid that it’ll get jinxed if we do. Then we talked about flight school and he hasn’t decided if he wants to do that yet or not but it all depends on timing if he does decide to do that. I cant very well leave school for him to do that. Either way, we talked about everything and I felt better. Today was nice as well. We had amazing shower sex which im sure was amazing because I felt better about last night. Went to class blah blah blah then went to his house and did homework together. During homework is when everything changed…

In doing homework for my death and dying class, I got to thinking about all that goes into dying or preparing to die etc etc etc. working at an assisted living facility I have to deal with it and its sad. So thinking about things lead to thinking about other things and of course I get quiet. While doing homework Army Boy was having a fight about something with his friend Amanda and whether he says something or not, I know exactly how he’s feeling. I hate having empathic abilities…no I’m not crazy. I really do have a strong sense of empathy. I really used to get physically ill.

Anyway, I could feel he was pissed and his attitude started to stress me out because I went from thinking about dying to thinking about getting skool done to thinking about my entrance essays to thinking about moving to thinking about Army Boy’s attitude on long distance relationships (while it matches my usual answer, he’s the exception for me but when we were talking I didn’t sound like the exception for him) to thinking about how pissed I was that whoever the fuck he was talking to was pissing him off and wen he’s pissed he’s standoffish so now I have to deal with a moddy bf, which I don’t mind necessarily because I get moody but, it was just his stress on top of my stress and then I started to think about why it’s so hard to tell him things now vs before we were doing couple things.

A lot of it is because when people get too close I push them away. This he already knows though. It sucks but at the same time, what am I supposed to do? The logical answer is that I need to talk about what’s bothering me because when I stop talking it affects him too but, tonight, I realized something else. I’m in my head, a lot. A lot a lot and I have the ability to over stress myself (like I did on my car ride home). So because I’m in my head a lot I always have things to think about which makes my life feel dramatic, but really, I don’t have basically any drama. But the girls that he talks to always have drama! Always! And…I’m not going to be like that.

I don’t want to be like the other girls he talks to because they’re full of drama and I don’t want to be like that with him. So I’d rather deal with things on my own. I doubt the people he talks to would be girls that I hang out with which bothers me too because, they always have some shit happening that he feels he should help with because he’s such a ridiculously good friend so I have to deal with them because I’m dating him and what they do affects him. That’s shitty. I’ve never been down for my SO having shitty friends. I voiced my opinion when my ex’s friends were being assholes but I think if I were to say something to Army Boy it wouldn’t go so well because they’re girls and I don’t really get along with many of them anyway so it would be seen that way instead of the way I intended it to be. Whatever. Anyway. I figured that out tonight.

I don’t want to seem like just another dramatic girl who always has something wrong. I know I have things to be happy about every day. I just get a little stressed out and constantly worry Because I want everything to be happy every day.

I’m freaking cupcakes and glitter inside…seriously, I just want every day to be that way. Why is that so fucking hard?

methodical thoughts

so i reread my last two posts and upon closer inspection, i basically seem really bipolar lol it's not funny but it kind of is. i freak out and then i talk myself through it but somehow talk myself back into a freak out.

seriously, thank myself that i actually went out and got a therapist because, for as much clarity as i give myself here, i give myself just as many foggy thoughts. so i went to her and talked it over. "it" because my freak outs and how i Logically think i'm making a big deal out of nothing.

what really struck me about my last convo was what i said. and it struck her too actually. i said something along the lines of me being afraid he'll hurt me or he'll take advantage because of the piece of me he has. i wasn't thinking with depth enough, i just thought that realization was deep enough. i was wrong. i was thinking that maybe it's just residual feelings from my last relationship impacting my new relationship but apparently (and of course this seems like common sense) it's my past experience of being hurt and abused as a kid that's impacting my thoughts, feelings and actions in my relationship with Army Boy. things i as a grown person have come to terms with but have totally ignored how those past experiences shape the person you are.

my poor communication skills and my fear of this being "too good to be true. he must want to hurt me eventually" are products of past experience. anyway, this is a little bit boring but i guess i just never realized how poor my communication skills are. i've learned that i can take care of myself and i don't need anyone to help but these skills aren't conducive to a relationship. and it's hard to be in a relationship if you can't express yourself or if you've experienced betrayal from your family. being really independent is counterproductive to a relationship. also i think, i know what i'm capable of...after all, when we started talking i was still with Mr. Big and i would go home at night and have a completely different life. i would be on my fone all the time doing one thing and saying another. so even though we're together all the time, i know things aren't always as they seem because i've done that.

and going out with someone who's just as strong willed as me puts this relationship on a different level.

anyway, i felt better after my last meeting. now that i know what i need to work on i just need to do it. slowly. methodically. with care.....and i can't act irrationally on my irrational thoughts. i mean, depending on which friend i talk to i get different answers about my feeling i have but, a person you're in a relationship with deserves trust until something has happened for that trust to be lost. and although i've had a lot of experience with people betraying my trust, i can't automatically assume that he'll do that to me. because i could ruin something really amazing.

he just makes me happy. trying to communicate with him is hard, though. even tho it's been over a year and a half and even though it was never hard to talk to him while he was away, it's so much harder in person that i can't be as open face to face. i'm supposed to be able to talk with him but fuck it's so hard. part of me really doesn't want to because i just want to deal with being crazy on my own, and the other part feels like i'm lying when i don't tell him things because i want to and i respect him and love him to a point that it bothers me when i can't get myself to grow relationship wise and treat him differently. better, in a sense, than what i'm used to doing.

i don't even know where i'm going with this post, or my own thoughts. i guess, i know logically he probably wouldn't hurt me, i need to be slow and thoughtful in my reaction to my own thoughts, and i eventually have to tell him what's going on i'm just scared to. ok, i think i can sleep. this isn't as bad as i thought. it's just harder to do than it is to say...

AA?...no no AWA

Welcome to tonight's meeting of AWA. I will be your group leader. My name's Teresa and...i'm an Attention Whore.

I know this wholeheartedly that i am an attention whore. and that's fine with me. it's not really in the obnoxious way where i want everyone to look at me and be the center of attention. it's very relationship oriented. whoever i'm in a relationship with, i need to be a huge part of their focus. and not necessarily in a huge way of every part of every day. more like a small, steady stream of attention. a little caress on my arm, kisses throughout the day (big ones or small ones), a morning text and a good night text, etc. just little constants here and there.

and yes i give these too! even when i'm doing my homework i make sure to do something small like a kiss or an arm touch. it's not even like i go out of my way, it's that i know it feels good to be thought of, even if that thought is really small so i like to give that feeling to whomever i'm with.it's just ridiculous how something i usually make fun of is really affecting me in my current situation. yesterday i felt crazy and couldn't sleep. i slept in today, told Army Boy (and i think i'm going to keep his name that way instead of changing it to the bf because it's cuter lol) that i wanted him even though i was sleepy and of course, he came to cuddle with me. even though i had been frantic last night, this morning i just wanted to be with him. obviously writing here makes me feel better which is probably why i wasn't thinking negatively, but really....he just makes me so damn happy.

today we had amazing sex. haven't had sex like that in a while (which i'm sure is a contributing factor to my freak out). i've gotten used to a certain level of his libido and when that level fluctuates to every four days, kinda makes me feel like something is wrong and of course i'm going to internalize it and think that something is wrong BECAUSE OF me.

anyway, i've been asking for a while to be made purple and today it happened, among other things, and afterwards i felt like myself. and really, it's not necessarily BECAUSE OF the sex why i felt better. (well besides the fact that sex releases endorphins which make you feel better, sex always makes people feel better in general, and Army Boy can do some prrrretty freaking amazing things) lol i think i felt better because the way it was today is how we normally are. we always joke and things but, it felt like that barrier i talked about was gone. cuddling after an intense sex session like that is addicting...omg i can't believe i just thought of this now.

of course cuddling is amazing and i could do it all day but there's something i've done with Army Boy and him alone....cuddling after intense sex sessions like the one today. that's something i only have with him and it's something that i haven't been getting. i mean, he knows me really well and vise versa, we're ridiculously similar but so very different that knowing each other intimately isn't necessarily hard for us but it's that specific cuddling session that makes our relationship just that much more special. at least to me...because i've only ever done that with him.

and of course being his focus for (gosh it felt like hours and hours) that period of time makes me feel better. special. not only because he's focused on me but also because of what i do for him. i give myself to him in a way i've never done with anybody else....maybe that's what makes this relationship so scary? he's seen a side of me that no one else has and he has access to a part of me i've never let anyone else see...he could easily hurt me and take advantage. and because he's so special it would be very easy for him to do that

(omg that was kind of a huge revelation for me...hold on a sec)...............

i seriously never even thought about that before.

maybe because he makes me so happy and because he has a part of ME that no one else has is the reason i'm freaking out. maybe i'm too afraid that it won't work out. that it's too good to be true and it'll be gone.

but the more i freak out the more i turn into "that girl". the crazy one who freaked out over everything and pushed her bf away because she was making things up in her own head and he couldn't/wouldn't deal with it. that's what Mr. Marine told me today. i told him i know Logically that i'm being crazy and wat he told me really stuck. he said...

"you're being like how Mr. Big was with you. u have the least girl like mentality of all the girls i know, but ur still a girl and as a girl you guys over think things! so stop doing that and enjoy what you have because at this point i know the logical side of your brain has to be screaming that it's perfect to the crazy side of ur brain....you've been messy for a long time now and you've got a perfect chance to start over so don't be a dum girl"

i love him for this exact reason. he loves me enough to say shit how it is. and he's right.

this is my chance to start over and god i want to so badly!!! everything is perfect. but then of course there's that little nagging feeling that says something is wrong. now i just have to figure out if it's because i'm scared, or if it's because he really is doing something he shouldn't be behind my back. and of course i should just ask him because, after all, i want my new relationship to be better and one major flaw in my last one was communication. but even if he says all the right things again and i feel better, what if i stop feeling better? and if he's telling the truth?...it's up to me to believe him. but obviously my belief in him isn't lasting long which brings me back to, is it me or is this feeling i have based on something he's really doing?

wow, i started to feel better and like i actually helped myself but those last few sentences totally brought me down again. and the sad/wonderful part is...

i know he could make me feel better even at this very moment

It's such a big mistake lying here in your warm embrace.

i spend too much time inside my own head and everything i think never ends up good for me. i sabotage myself and my relationships because i over analyze everything. and i'm sure it's easy to think, "well ya dumbass, if you know you do it then why don't you just stop?" well good question!! the answer is...because i don't fucking know how!!

basically, i feel almost certain that i'm going to fuck up my relationship. and by fuck up i mean, ruin it before it's had a chance to start. i'm thoroughly convinced i will make it crash and burn (not sure if i said it yet BUT! Army Boy and i are actually officially each others significant other now. like bf gf) anyway, the night it happened was so dramatic. said i felt like he was going to cheat and i wouldn't be enough and all of these other dramatic things....and of course he said all the perfect things to me. which is good. except when it's not. like now

i got over it fairly quickly. obviously. because rationally my brain knows that he wouldn't do that because 1) it was done to him and 2) why would he waste so much time sticking around through all my drama the past year if he didn't really care? oh and 3) because what kind of guy says you can go through his stuff if you don't believe him? NO GUY! that's right. so that made me feel better.

until the other day. i'm not quite sure what happened but everything just felt wrong again. i don't trust him. and the thing is, logically, i know i have no reason not to trust him... ok so maybe i need to explain my thought process for this to make sense...

i feel like he compartmentalizes the people in his life.
which is something i do and it's something that i do well
but...
i feel like i'm so ready to introduce him to my best friends...
my mom already does cute things like make food and always sets some aside for him..
we've basically been together on and off since he's been home,
that he's integrated into my life.
but how much am i in his?
there's still so much i don't know about him,
his friends,
other various personal things he doesn't talk about,
or a side of him i don't see often.
i feel like i become this needy person which isn't me at all.
i start feeling not good enough,
not pretty enough,
not thin enough...
i just feel like i'm not enough.
then i start thinking and comparing...
which is bad and i shouldn't do it but,
after 6 years of things being one way, you get used to it.
and i have to remember he is a different person.
he shows things differently.
he does things differently.
but then i worry that something isn't right....
and i think i figured it out that,
when we first got together,
more than things being new and us totally being mushy for the other,
there was an element he brought to our relationship,
and this element isn't something i'm getting currently.
so i think that it makes me feel less special.
like...
what makes me so different than any of the other girls he talks to?
maybe i'm not different.
maybe he's doing and saying things with them that he does with me.
maybe because i'm in the same state is the only difference.
maybe he hasn't told his "friends" we're together.
maybe he's not ready for me to be in his life as much as he is into mine.
or at least as much as i want him to be in mine.

basically, you can see how me living in my head can seriously screw things up. and the fucked up thing is, i can think all of these things and start pushing him away. i'll get quiet or kind of smartassy but not in a fun way. more like a mean way. so i'll push him away for maybe a day or a few days but i ultimately just end up missing him too damn much that i cave to myself and tell him i miss him and then i'm just a cuddle machine. it's really frustrating for myself.

i hate feeling crazy. i hate feeling insecure. i hate being skeptical. i hate that i don't understand why it seems like i'm bent on making this relationship crash and burn. i hate that i don't understand why he loves me. and even more than hating not understanding, i hate that i don't truly believe it.

today i was talking it over with my boss and i told her that i thought us being official would feel different. but it doesn't. and i think it's because, we were basically in a relationship this whole time and now all it has is a name that, it's kind of a weird relationship. idk why but it still kind of feels like we're two separate people who hang out alot and are together alot but there's something there that keeps us from being a couple but more like two separate entities just coming together at the end of the day. and, i do think it's important for couples to have their own lives, idk....to me it feels like there's this block and it's keeping us from being a couple couple.

and maybe it's me. which would make sense. i am going through alot and it doesn't help that i fuck with my own head so, i could very well be the barrier. i just wish i knew how to fix all the problems really quickly and make this relationship be what i know it can be. but maybe that's just it....i know it has the possibility of being something really great but we're so alike that it's freaking me out. i can't deal with dating myself lol seems like an unnecessary kick in the head. like, instead of being me i'm my ex and Army Boy is me. ironic no? i think it's kind of a shitty spot to be in......and maybe it's really only this complicated in my head and really things are just peachy. hmm....

how did i become like this? i really don't get it. it's so frustrating and i'm just so over it...over being me.

just. over it.

Human Push Broom

that's what i am. i just push people away and i push my feelings down. obviously it isn't working so well...the feelings part anyway. pushing people away though, still perfect.

took a shower last night and tried not to cry.
woke up this morning...same thing.

all day at work it was basically all i thought about. i hate having feelings because they're usually not wrong and that's the part i hate the most. i wish i could be wrong. but i know i'm not. so what to do?

first i need to figure out how much of the freak out is necessary.
then i need to figure out how much of it is me and how much of it is (other).
thirdly i need to deal with it. and i want to deal with it all at once. like a bandaid. that shit hurts if you're a bitch about it so i needa be a bamf and just rip it off all at once.

that's the hard part. confrontation. i'm good at it when i'm angry but basically any other time it's not my favorite. i'm good at it when i need to be but i'm not sure how it'll work this time.

i feel like the more i think about it the more i'm just making myself crazy. crazy. crazy. i feel fucking crazy!!! i'm not this person and i don't want to be this person but FUCK...that's what this is turning me into and if it won't change, or if i can't be convinced otherwise then it won't work. which is sad because i want this to work really badly. but make no mistake that i will drop this situation like a hot tamale because i don't deal with bullshit and especially after what i've been going through with the relationship crap, i definitely won't stand around unless it's 100 percent secure.

which is exactly what i don't feel right now. i feel like i'm on a fucking cliff. i felt like it was there and then i went looking for it even though it's smarter not to look for the edge and now i'm too scared to move off it....

fuck.

i feel like Ursula took my voice and put it in her shell necklace to keep forever and ever

i don't feel like myself.


the day before yesterday, Army Boy had spent the night and when he left in the morning he forgot his fone. Mr. Big text me asking if he could come over for a bit which was fine. i wasn't exactly in the mood for company seeing as i hadn't slept and was moody but we're trying to work out the semantics of our relationship/friendship/watever you want to call it so i bit the bullet and let him come over.

Army Boy IM'd me and said he's coming over anyway to get his fone. awesome. now i have to figure out how to make Mr. Big not encounter Army Boy because that's just awkward and wasn't something i wanted to deal with. it would have worked too except that apparently Army Boy wasn't being very incognito and was, according to Mr. Big "mad dogging" Mr. Big so Mr Big comes back into my house to point it out to me....i have to go over to Army Boy's car and give him his fone right in front of Mr. Big. awesome. just wat i wanted to do. so Mr. Big takes off and that's that. i didn't bother going out to lunch with him because if i wasn't in the mood to talk i'm sure he wasn't either.

anyway, now things are just a little weird between me and Mr. Big and idk quite what i'm doing to Army Boy but it's definitely a distance thing. i got kind of buzzed last night and when i get liquored up i get really gabby and just can talk talk talk. so of course that's when i do alot of texting because, one it's fun and two, it's kind of the excuse i need to talk about things i can't normally talk about.

so i ask Army Boy if we can finish our convo about "being official/unofficial". i'm an official type of person but i'm sure i'm not alone in saying that girls like to be asked out and don't want things to be assumed that they're someone's girlfriend. i want to be asked. it may be trivial and somewhat high school-ish but i don't give a fuck. i don't want to go on assuming things. anyway, even though i want to be asked, i don't want to be asked right now. we may be doing bf/gf things and acting like we're dating but i don't want the title. it takes it to a different level and i don't think i'm ready for that yet. i'm not seeing anybody else or have any interest in seeing anyone else but i still don't want to walk around with the title of girlfriend yet. it's really official and it takes the relationship to a more serious level. regardless if i act that way i don't think i'm ready for the title.


among other important reasons which i'm sure i'll discuss with my therapist (i got a therapist on tuesday btw), the most important is that i just got out of a relationship and i don't want to get into another official relationship too soon. i know i'm not totally ready to do that and to prevent fucking things up i'd rather keep it fluid and unofficial for now. seems like there's less to screw up that way.

as for the therapist thing, that happened on tuesday. i had been really moody a few days before and started closing myself off from people, especially Army Boy. the appointment went fine. pretty standard. taking background info on me, my health, my family, my relationship with family members, my love relationships and the stats on that and then that was that. the only problem is that i'm on my dad's insurance and for billing purposes they needed his address and social security number. obviously i don't have those stashed away with me so i had to call him for them. didn't want him to know so i've been avoiding him since that fone call. not something i want to deal with but i'm obviously going to downplay it as much as possible. i know what he's thinking. i've seen a therapist before because i was depressed and cutting so he probably thinks i'm back there again. which i'm not but i am but not to the extent which i'm sure he thinks im at.

but really, i don't know what's going on with me. i've never felt less like myself before. i'm insecure and needy and paranoid and have negative thoughts and feelings all the time....it's kind of hard to feel that way with Army Boy around me basically 24/7. you think it would help but it kind of makes it worse in a way because i'm not someone who talks about things easily so he can tell when somethings wrong and it sort of just emphasizes whatever is going on in my head.

honestly, i want it to be tuesday. i have a running appointment with the therapist for noon every tuesday. i want to go and just have word vomit. there's obviously stuff i'm not saying on here but with my dr it was so easy to just keep talking and talking. i'm sure part of it is that i willing chose to go to her but there i have no reservations about what i'm saying. i felt kind of sad leaving because i don't want to be back in a place where i need therapy but i guess it can only do good things for me and my relationships. and especially since i want to be a therapist it's good to know what it's like on the other side.

i wish i could just stay in a glitter la-la land. that would be nice.

can't sleep.

i can't sleep.
i can't sleep.
i cannot sleep.
i want to sleep.
and i can't.

i'm just having a total disconnect with human interaction. yesterday it was way awkward with Mr. Big and today it totally just fell apart while i was with Army Boy.

opening up is something that's hard for me to do so i'd rather not than subject myself to be seen. and it's way easier to be honest and forthcoming with innermosts when there's distance to absorb the uneasiness. and this is such a problem because i'm forthcoming to a fault with Army Boy and the farther away i am the more i'll say. this is good but the bad side is that when we're together and something is clearly wrong with me i won't say a thing. and i know it's all over my face. i'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore.

and honestly, when i say "nothing" it's because i mean it. what's wrong...? "nothing". nothing i feel like talking about right now. and just because i say nothing doesn't necessarily mean i won't ever say anything...it just means that at that moment nothing is wrong because i don't feel like talking about it. or talking at all.

which is why i haven't been blogging as of late i suppose. there's a lot going on and i really don't feel like talking about it but i can definitely feel an attitude change. i came home and started smoking and sleeping in late and trying to deal with stuff that i left behind for a month and it's not fun. facing shit isn't fun and i really wish there was a "no" button for life's situations and then you wouldn't have to deal with hard things. they would just magically be solved for better or worse and that's that. the end.

i wish.

so after that rant i'm trying to tie it into the beginning. i can't sleep. and i really can't place why i can't sleep. maybe i can but i really don't want to talk about it....

maybe that's the problem?

Wa-Wa Washington pt.2

so a day or two after my convo i went to the beach for the weekend with my sister and the kids... i had no energy to do anything and one of the days i basically didn't say anything at all. this has to do with my sister as well, unfortunately. she's a bigger bitch than i can be at times. i cook dinner and she gets mad that i didn't use the pan she would've used, i get stuff out of the car but locked it and she forgot something from it, everything she says is condescending and she acts like i'm a retarded kid. she expects me to act like she did at my age...but by this age she was married, divorced and stuck in a different state fending for herself because my parents refused to help her. um...i'm not stupid enough to follow a military guy across the US in my early twenties. so of course i'm not going to act how she wants me to act....i've looked at changing flights twice so i can come home early. the stress from the phone call and my sisters bitchy attitude have been too much for me to handle.

two nights ago i called drein sobbing and hyperventilating... i really couldn't handle it here anymore. i'm alone. i have no interest in sight seeing because i'm by myself and i really don't feel like going anywhere with my sister, my sisters attitude sucks...if i were home and sulking i could deal better because i could always go see drein or go someplace i know and just relax but here, there's nothing really to do. none of my plans have worked out so far which seems to be the story of my life...i'm just over it. and for a day or two (altho i didn't tell Army Boy) i really didn't want him to text me. i really do miss him and cant wait to see him but while i was at the beach i was so unhappy i didn't even want him to tell me that he missed me or loved me. i felt like affection was just too much to handle. i didn't really reciprocate but i didn't want to go all bipolar on him.

which brings me to my next point...as much as i want to be with him, i don't want to supplement my feelings of loss with feelings of something new. because i'm really good at ignoring my feelings if i have something else to pay attention to and i don't feel like that's fair to him because, more than likely, it'll bite me in the ass. so i think (and i'm saying it alot) that if i do therapy that this will help me. and i'm saying it alot because it makes me feel more like i should go. i'm always saying that i need to fix myself, deal with my shit...but what shit do i have to deal with?

well obviously i have to deal with Mr. Big and all those issues.
i have to deal with resentment over what my brother did.
i have to deal with anxiety...my not sleeping, me always wanting to smoke, self destructive feelings, food worries (when i work out).
i have to deal with my general DGAF attitude. Army Boy has pointed it out to me that i have that general attitude alot and, really, i don't see it. i just think, if i don't wanna i don't wanna but i seriously can't think of specific instances where that would be a prob but i guess i do say dgaf alot which means that i prolly do have that attitude about alot of things

i think thats it.

once ive started to deal with these things, i think then i'll be ready to fully put my emotional self in the relationship without feeling guilty or something. cuz i was a bit buzzed the other night and while i meant wat i said, i also think it was premature. i told him that i wanted to be officially his. i meant it. i just think that i'd be so emotionally not ready to or if i tried to be, something would go wrong and that's not fair. i told him that i didn't want him to have to deal with my shit because that's not right to ask especially if we're supposed to be starting over together.

i like that thought tho...him and i being together and it'll be new. any shit he and i went through won't be a thought because it wont matter to him or me. we'll be together and that's what we both want.

Wa-Wa Washington pt.1

so i made the phone call last week... it seriously sucked. it took me forever to get any words out. i said that i didn't think he should get me from the airport because of expectations that i know he has and that theres no way i could reciprocate. really i don't remember much specifics. eventually i started crying which lasted for about an hour. i went on to say that i don't treat him how he should be treated and i'm not okay with that. that i am always seen as the bad person because people come to his defense...

he responded that he doesn't need defending. he doesn't really mind when i'm a bitch or when i yell because he looks past it to the relationship we have and i'm the only one he's interested in. he has a really negative world view and doesn't see many people, or any new people really, as worth getting to know because they're so desensitized to the world around them and no one thinks. everyone is stupid and has no education...the only things worth caring about are the dog and me. so he doesn't mind that i'm not always the best to him.

but i told him that it's not right and that's not the person i want to be. i haven't been happy for a while unless we're high or in bed and i don't like that either because it makes me objectify him and i don't like that about myself. i said that i think i stopped trying after the phone incident because i really tried and it wasn't enough for him to believe me. i also said that i blamed my brother and the stupid bitch for that. if they had stuck their noses out of it, we would have gone on the way we were which i thought was fine. then he said i couldn't blame them which is total BS because that situation wouldn't have happened if they had come to me first.

this lead into me saying that i also have alot of resentment because that situation showed that my brother didn't think of me as his sister, or even a person because i wasn't chosen first. he was chosen over me and that left such a huge scar inside that i still resent him for it. by this point i was screaming and sobbing...

it hurt, this convo...it hurt alot. because i don't hate him. i still love him. i'm sure i'll always love him. i just don't think that makes up for the person that i've changed into even though he doesn't seem to mind. the bottom line is that i wasn't okay with the way things were going and i didn't want to do that to him or myself anymore. it was so hard to hang up the phone. i really didn't want to...he didn't understand how i can say i care for him but not want to be with him. so, as of the moment when we hung up the phone, i have to deal with the fact that i may never talk to or see him again. ever. it's not how i would want things to be but it's what he can handle...that's what was so hard for me. someone who has been my friend for over six years, been my boyfriend for a little under six years, someone who's been influential and monumental in my life is no longer there.

i cried myself to sleep that night. i really felt like shit; not only about ending an important relationship in my life but also because, in the midst of my screaming about how unimportant i am to my brother, i really felt like i wasn't important enough to love or to receive any sort of affection. part of me somewhere has really just stopped caring.

How?

how am i supposed to do this? it's better for me and it's better for him. but when i get texts that are "we" or song lyrics that make me laugh...it makes it that much harder to do it.

i need to.
i want to.
i want to be with Army Boy.

but how the fuck are you supposed to prepare yourself to really destroy someone? really. this sucks.

Is That Your Final Answer?

so i think i've finally made my decision. the past couple days have been rather... introspective. what makes me happy? who makes me happy? what past events have shaped the me i am today? you know, those types of questions...

and my answer is, Army Boy makes me happy. being with him makes me happy. his cheesy jokes and his laugh make me happy. his deep kisses and milkshake hugs make me happy. being his submissive makes me happy.


i'm not really happy anymore with Mr. Big. i'm sure i will always be in love with him but loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that you're good as a couple. we're great friends. we've always been really great friends. best friends. but somewhere that got lost in translation and the tribulations of being in a relationship made things go very wrong. i no longer am excited to see him, i kind of use him as an object and it's tiring being fake. it's not someone i want to be either. and i feel guilty

i'm always feeling guilty. i hate it

and his birthday is in about two or three weeks and i'm not sure what to do. tell him before i come home? after i come home? before i come home but after his birthday? i just don't know. i'm a nice person, really, and i think why it's been hard for me to end things time and time again is because i'm not into making him feel hurt. i'd rather grin and bare it then hurt him but i just can't do that anymore.


Army Boy makes me really happy and it took me being away from home to see that he's all i think about and i want to spend my time with him. all of my time. i feel things for him that i don't for Mr. Big and the things that i feel, i won't get them anywhere else. i have no interest in getting them anywhere else except from him.

so although i'm sure i want to go to therapy when i get back home, i also want to be with Army Boy. therapy needs to come first i'm sure. i wanna go, lay out all my drama and solve watever is making me have anxiety because that's one of the reasons i left. i always felt anxious about something, i wasn't sleeping, i really had no energy to go out and do anything... i just want to revamp myself inside and out and be a better me and start fresh Army Boy.

because he makes me happy and i want to make him happy

Rotten on the Inside

so now im in washington and tonight my sister and i were talking about the drama down at home. i filled her in with whats happening with my brother and it lead into me and Mr. Big. she said we were fighting over Mr. Big and he shouldn't be coming in between our relationship because we really were so close. i of course don't see it that way. i see it as my alena's fault for being a crazy bitch who needs meds and my bros fault for choosing her over me. but this isn't what's bothering me

what's bothering me is what my sister said about me concerning Mr. Big. it's something i already know and have said it myself but i think it made a really big impact because it was coming from her. i almost started to cry

it's hard to see yourself how other people see you

she said that i treat Mr. Big like crap. i'm don't treat him very well and to his fault he sticks around for it and basically asks for it. i've told him this...he can't really match me in terms of attitude. i'm a strong willed person and i'm bitchy and i sort of just plow over him. i don't necessarily mean to, it just happens....but that's why everyone is always on his side. i don't even think i'm being too terrible and other people see me differently.


i kno i'm stubborn and not flexible in regards to how things should be...and my temper isn't always under check. i need to work on it. but then i can't help forget that it always seems to be the same thing over and over again between me and him. i've seriously lost alot of respect for him in that regard. he has many wonderful qualities and he's a very giving and loving person. he's a genuinely good hearted person and that's why everyone is always on his side. because i'm seen as the bad person. no one ever sees it from my side that he isn't always a perfect person...

what i'm getting at is, it's been years of the same thing. i think it's just the kind of couple we make. and i don't like that fact. i don't treat him respectfully and i dont like the person i become. it's not fair to either of us. if he would want to stay with someone who doesn't fully respect him then that makes him stupid too. i don't want to be that person everyone hates...the one that his friends tell him he shouldn't be dating because i'm a bitch...

i'm not a very pretty person to others i think. i'm not kind. respectful. caring...


i don't want to be this person and it sucks that my sister said it to me

in oregon

so i'm on vacation and i've been here in Tigard (oregon) since tuesday...i've been sick since then too. not the best few days.... i spent tuesday traveling and throwing up so that sucked...but now i'm feeling much better. more like myself. my ovaries have been acting up too, unfortunately.

anyway, there is a point to this post... here in oregon is my sister who is much like my twin. she is ten years older but basically looks like me just a tad taller and more body mass. we think alike, act alike, have the same interests, etc. it's quite spooky. and so i'm here with her and her bf who used to be quite active in the BDSM community up here in Portland. not so much anymore since the arrival of the baby but more than half of the convo since i've been here has been on the bdsm topic. it's just natural and since i've only experienced things with Army Boy, it's nice to share stories and here tips and other things from them.

i feel quite at home, not necessarily in her apartment or nething, i mean more about being more of myself whenever we talk about bdsm things....it's weird how freely it is to talk about myself and about themselves. it's a natural thing that i wish i could do more with on a more regular basis.

and then i got to thinking about Mr. Big versus Army Boy and how i feel about this topic...may be a little more info than necessary but just sumthing as simple as a vibrator being used...when it comes to Mr. Big i don't like the idea of him using it on me but Army Boy, i have no qualms about toys being used when we're together. i feel more comfy about talking about things with Army Boy...it's like this whole aspect of myself if more at ease with Army Boy and today in the shower...i felt for a glimmer that i can see myself with a future with no Mr. Big. whether or not it would be okay i don't know but i saw it for a sec and this kind of surprised me

i can't sleep

lately i've been having trouble sleeping. i don't get to sleep until 2 or 3 and then i only get about 8 or 9 hours of sleep. i know that may seem like alot but really for me 9 to 10 is better. anyway..

i guess i just need to sort some stuff out in my head. but really, it's just about my recent covos with Army Boy and Mr. Big (haha that still makes me laugh i re-nicknamed him that). both are pretty intense, but i guess the most intense is the one with Army Boy so i'll save that for last.

The other night i was talking with Mr. Big and it was over the whole girl issue. I told him that i felt it was only fair for me to tell him about what i'm thinking and going through because of our how our relationship is. so "undefined". basically it was that i want something tangible. and i say tangible because physical implies that i'm only looking for a sexual relationship of sorts when that's kind of the opposite of what i'm looking for. i think tangible implies more that i have something solid to feel. in myself at least. because whenever i was with LoLo and we would kiss or whatever, i know what it made me feel afterwards but it was never my choice to start or stop anything. it was always her choice. so i told him i want to have something tangible because, yes i would like to kiss or cuddle or watever, i don't necessarily even want sex.

he basically told me that if i actually were to do anything with another girl he would be hurt because of the fact that our relationship is so unclear at the moment. which i understand but...they're my feelings. it's my life. it's getting to the point where it's a slight ache. i think that's more over Lo but it's really starting to feel like i need to do something about how i feel. it may not be a day to day thing, but u can bet that during class i'm constantly thinking about her, or how our actions led me to how i feel now, etc. anyway, basically he said "thanks" that i kept him informed because, above other things, it's at the very least that he'll offer his friendship and be there for me if i needed it. he also said that he wants to have a talk about his plans for the future, obviously about "us". i'm so far removed from that though because of my vacation next month. i'm going to be gone a WHOLE MONTH AND FIVE DAYS! i've never been gone that long.

and truly, i'm scared to come back. which leads me into my next convo i had with Army Boy.

the other day i was out shopping with drein and long story short, i told Army Boy that i was letting drein borrow him because there are things she will do that i won't. now, of course i was joking, and the more we joked the funnier it got. but at a certain point it just stopped being funny and bordered serious. then it crossed the border and actually was serious. i hate it when that happens. anyway, he asked me if i was really serious about "sharing" him. and of course i gave what i think is the appropriate answer..."i can't tell you what to do and not to do". which i think is valid but he thinks is total b.s.


so for over half an hr we argued that he wanted me to tell him what i think and i told him i didn't think i had a right to say anything because i'm not his gf and i don't want to directly influence what he chooses to do with his sex life. all i asked was that if he did sleep with someone else that he would let me know. he didn't like that very much either. then somehow we got on the topic of me not telling him things lately and it spiraled into him not being happy with me because we used to be open with one another and now we weren't. he wanted things to be like last year and they just aren't. my heart broke. i feel guilty and sorry inside all the time.


so i bit the bullet and told him why i'd been pulling back. it's because i'm going away and i'm afraid of what will happen while i'm gone. he plans to be with me and that plan scares me because i'm so unsure of what i want. i'm a realist and think of every possible scenario and each of them scares me. petrified is more like it. i'm afraid to leave but i'm even more afraid to come back. and honestly i've thought about not coming back. instead of going to antioch in santa barbara i would just go to the one in seattle. get my transcripts transferred and just stay. obviously this situation is highly unlikely but i'm so scared to come back that i partly hope i could do it.

another reason is because a long time ago i figured out that i wasn't able to cry in front of him. and this scared me too. because i know that without trying he's made me cry. and not just a little bit but alot of uncontrollable crying. and not even him but the thought of him or whatever. he makes me feel so intensely and yet i can't even cry in front of him. if i start to get watery, even if it's something dumb like i'm cramping, my body just shuts down my tear ducts and i can't cry. i don't know what it means but it scares me and i hate the feeling it gives me. that must mean something right?

i just ultimately don't want to hurt anybody so instead of doing something i'd rather do nothing. so doing nothing means that i don't say anything and it's gotten so bad that i really can't say anything even if i want to. not on purpose. i just can't. makes me feel like a child. i'm really verbal except when it comes to letting people in. which seems like an oxymoron because i'll answer anything you want to know about me. i'm an open book. but i guess that's different than having someone know you really intimately...knowing who you really are and not just about things you like or do.

part of me feels like i'm fucking up really badly. i told Army Boy and Mr. Big that i'm going to try and ditch my phone and facebook while im away. i'm trying to get a reading list together and i've already planned my first horseback riding lesson. i have big plans for myself when i'm gone. part of me is afraid i won't live up to any of those plans either. i don't want to leave and then decide i don't want to do anything and loaf around all summer. i want to learn and expand my mind and grow as a person.

i'm just afraid that i may come back as a slightly different person and i'll end up hurting someone in the process.


since when did i become so afraid of everything?

If Dreaming Was Definitive...

so i decided that because my real life isn't dramatic enough, i should start writing down my dreams. and i've had this thought for a while because my dreams are really bizarre sometimes. entertaining but bizarre. what made me finally decide to do it???... well, here's dream #1 to kick off the new part of the blog haha (hopefully you picked up this whole paragraph is full of disdain and sarcasm)

last night i dreamt about Army Boy. why am i not surprised? doubtful that i've mentioned this but he's been gone for about a week doing national guard stuff up about 4 hours from where we live. anyway, i dreamt about him and it was awful! the sad thing is this isn't my first dream about him that has ended badly, unfortunately.

(oh! i should mention that he was played by Bruce Willis for a little bit of the dream haha!! but i knew it was him. then he went back to looking like himself and Bruce Willis disappeared.) ok so my dream...

i found out that i was pregnant. i was so happy. like really, genuinely happy to be having his baby. now seeing as he's far away, i didn't want to tell him over the phone or through text message so i decided i wanted to go up and see him, tell him,go home and then wait for him to come home from his lil' side trip so we could talk further. this didn't exactly work out. i tried txting him all day to see if we'd be able to meet or whatever because i had something really important to tell him. it couldn't wait. nothing. nothing. nothing. all day that asshole ignored me. then i get this txt message that goes kinda like this


"the real reason i'm going up to sacramento is to see this girl cherry. she's a top and when we play it's better than with you. i've known for five months that she's pregnant and i'm really happy. wait til i get home to talk to me"

omg... i died. i'm not sure why but my dream sort of transitioned into me running. i'm not sure if i was running to something or away from that text but i ran through this huge courtyard that had many different openings to different little hidden places. i kept trying to find a quiet place to sit because i was just bawling my eyes out. ran past this garden and it was a wedding procession. ran to another garden and people were taking photos. finally i got to this courtyard that was really windy but no1 was there and all there was, was a tree in the middle of this garden and it had four cement walls. i sat down and just cried and cried. pink flowers just blew everywhere.


i finally met up with Drein and told her that i needed to make a doctors appointment that minute. i couldn't have his baby knowing that he didn't love me. he was having a baby with this other chick and for 5mos didn't say anything. i just couldn't have his baby. loving him so much. i finally got to the doctors office and it was dark and small. signed my name on the login sheet and as i was signing papers i couldn't see. i was crying so hard that i started to have a panic attack. i couldn't see anything in front of me and i was crying while gasping for air. i started to fall to my knees and Drein just helped me to the ground...

then i woke up. and this part's the kicker...i really actually was having a panic attack. i woke up and could hear my voice and i really was crying and gasping for air. i just didn't have tears. once i kind of figured out i was in bed it was so hard to breathe normally. once i did i just layed there for at least thirty minutes. i got up to pee and then after that i stood in my hallway, trying to decide if i should get up or not. then i walked back into my room and covered myself in my blankets. i felt so utterly dead inside. obviously i wasn't really pregnant and obviously i wasn't signing papers to have an abortion...but i felt so dead i didn't even want to move.

well that's my dream...told you they tend to lean on the bizarre side..

i told Army Boy about it. he said sorry as i was explaining how i really wanted the baby. as i was reading my txt messages i started to cry. it felt like i had just woken up and my heart had been broken like in my dream. my eyes burned and i was really sad.

not sure if this means i want his baby or if it relates to wen he asked me if i was okay with "sharing" him but i think my dream definitely proved i have intense feelings about something

Sexuality, Orientation and All It's Different Forms

now that i'm taking this LGB Experiences class, sexuality and orientation, it's forms and other outlets of sexual activity have been really in my face/the topic of many convos.

the other day i was talking to Mr. Big about porn and just today Army Boy and i were talking about gay marriage in the military and pony play in the BDSM aspect. now, i realize many people aren't into "that type" of sexual activity, but everyone is exposed to some type of pornography in their life and everyone is exposed to some type of dominant/submissive/sadist/masochist person or relationship in their life as well. so i'm wondering, what makes people feel safe with labels? what makes pornography pornography versus erotica? i can give you an answer, but it's a political answer. you know how the politicians came up with the answer?...it's so they wouldn't have to deal with court cases over the issue. in reality, porn and erotica are the same in the sense that it deals with nudity and people and explicit material but it's the intent behind the type of media. also, it's up to the different city to make their own claim on the difference. so what may constitute porn in my city may be different than LA's definition and both of these definitions are going to be different in some court house in Kentucky.

wow that was a ramble. sorry. basically what i'm trying to ask is...why does there need to be a normative? what's so scary about deviations from what "everyone else does"? now, i'm not saying that i understand everything, because obviously i don't. for example, i have an interest in Furries because i don't understand why this is appealing. i respect people who want to partake in Furry activity but that doesn't mean that i'm going to myself. and why?...first of all because that doesn't necessarily tickle my fancy, but also because i don't understand it.


and this reason is why i want to have the career that i want. being an MFT is just a stepping stone into the actual title i want which is Sex Therapist. i want to understand everything i can about sexuality, orientation, what makes people do and be attracted to certain things and everything else under the sun about gender and the like. so i guess to answer my own question, any deviation from the norm group is due to ignorance and people's willingness to stay ignorant. really, that's all it comes down to. you don't understand something and yet you don't like it?...and you're okay with that?

it's weird in the sense that, i know i'm ignorant about things and i just don't care to educate myself about them. like politics, wars, oil, cars, money, etc. all these things i really don't care about so i don't bother to know much. why do i need to know about politics? all i need to know is that i have a certain set of beliefs and i need to pick the person who can best fit those ideas. i don't need to know about oil because there's nothing i can do about the cost or where it comes from. i don't need to know about cars because i pay for AAA and anything that happens i know they will fix it or i can go to my dad's mechanic. done and done. but those aren't personal to me or the people around me or making my world a better place.


understanding about the different forms of sexuality, the many different forms of gender, different orientations, different relationships, etc is what will make the world a much nicer place to live in. i think this is one of the reasons that i don't want to have children. i would hate to bring my child up in a place where ignorance is the norm and teaching that there are many different types of love and that none are wrong is the deviation. so what i can teach my own child to not be ignorant, but what good is that if he/she is the deviation and not the norm? i want those values to be the norm instead of the deviation.

i'm not saying that all my views are right. i'm not saying that i advocate for pornography. honestly, i don't ever really watch it and i'm not a fan of it truthfully. but i'm not going to look down on someone who does. i really couldn't care if i get married, but i think that if i marry someone that i should have the same legal rights as the majority group regardless of the sex of my partner. it's just a basic human right to be happy..

isn't that what everyone wants?.... to be happy? why would a person want to take that basic human right away from another human being?