methodical thoughts

so i reread my last two posts and upon closer inspection, i basically seem really bipolar lol it's not funny but it kind of is. i freak out and then i talk myself through it but somehow talk myself back into a freak out.

seriously, thank myself that i actually went out and got a therapist because, for as much clarity as i give myself here, i give myself just as many foggy thoughts. so i went to her and talked it over. "it" because my freak outs and how i Logically think i'm making a big deal out of nothing.

what really struck me about my last convo was what i said. and it struck her too actually. i said something along the lines of me being afraid he'll hurt me or he'll take advantage because of the piece of me he has. i wasn't thinking with depth enough, i just thought that realization was deep enough. i was wrong. i was thinking that maybe it's just residual feelings from my last relationship impacting my new relationship but apparently (and of course this seems like common sense) it's my past experience of being hurt and abused as a kid that's impacting my thoughts, feelings and actions in my relationship with Army Boy. things i as a grown person have come to terms with but have totally ignored how those past experiences shape the person you are.

my poor communication skills and my fear of this being "too good to be true. he must want to hurt me eventually" are products of past experience. anyway, this is a little bit boring but i guess i just never realized how poor my communication skills are. i've learned that i can take care of myself and i don't need anyone to help but these skills aren't conducive to a relationship. and it's hard to be in a relationship if you can't express yourself or if you've experienced betrayal from your family. being really independent is counterproductive to a relationship. also i think, i know what i'm capable of...after all, when we started talking i was still with Mr. Big and i would go home at night and have a completely different life. i would be on my fone all the time doing one thing and saying another. so even though we're together all the time, i know things aren't always as they seem because i've done that.

and going out with someone who's just as strong willed as me puts this relationship on a different level.

anyway, i felt better after my last meeting. now that i know what i need to work on i just need to do it. slowly. methodically. with care.....and i can't act irrationally on my irrational thoughts. i mean, depending on which friend i talk to i get different answers about my feeling i have but, a person you're in a relationship with deserves trust until something has happened for that trust to be lost. and although i've had a lot of experience with people betraying my trust, i can't automatically assume that he'll do that to me. because i could ruin something really amazing.

he just makes me happy. trying to communicate with him is hard, though. even tho it's been over a year and a half and even though it was never hard to talk to him while he was away, it's so much harder in person that i can't be as open face to face. i'm supposed to be able to talk with him but fuck it's so hard. part of me really doesn't want to because i just want to deal with being crazy on my own, and the other part feels like i'm lying when i don't tell him things because i want to and i respect him and love him to a point that it bothers me when i can't get myself to grow relationship wise and treat him differently. better, in a sense, than what i'm used to doing.

i don't even know where i'm going with this post, or my own thoughts. i guess, i know logically he probably wouldn't hurt me, i need to be slow and thoughtful in my reaction to my own thoughts, and i eventually have to tell him what's going on i'm just scared to. ok, i think i can sleep. this isn't as bad as i thought. it's just harder to do than it is to say...

AA?...no no AWA

Welcome to tonight's meeting of AWA. I will be your group leader. My name's Teresa and...i'm an Attention Whore.

I know this wholeheartedly that i am an attention whore. and that's fine with me. it's not really in the obnoxious way where i want everyone to look at me and be the center of attention. it's very relationship oriented. whoever i'm in a relationship with, i need to be a huge part of their focus. and not necessarily in a huge way of every part of every day. more like a small, steady stream of attention. a little caress on my arm, kisses throughout the day (big ones or small ones), a morning text and a good night text, etc. just little constants here and there.

and yes i give these too! even when i'm doing my homework i make sure to do something small like a kiss or an arm touch. it's not even like i go out of my way, it's that i know it feels good to be thought of, even if that thought is really small so i like to give that feeling to whomever i'm with.it's just ridiculous how something i usually make fun of is really affecting me in my current situation. yesterday i felt crazy and couldn't sleep. i slept in today, told Army Boy (and i think i'm going to keep his name that way instead of changing it to the bf because it's cuter lol) that i wanted him even though i was sleepy and of course, he came to cuddle with me. even though i had been frantic last night, this morning i just wanted to be with him. obviously writing here makes me feel better which is probably why i wasn't thinking negatively, but really....he just makes me so damn happy.

today we had amazing sex. haven't had sex like that in a while (which i'm sure is a contributing factor to my freak out). i've gotten used to a certain level of his libido and when that level fluctuates to every four days, kinda makes me feel like something is wrong and of course i'm going to internalize it and think that something is wrong BECAUSE OF me.

anyway, i've been asking for a while to be made purple and today it happened, among other things, and afterwards i felt like myself. and really, it's not necessarily BECAUSE OF the sex why i felt better. (well besides the fact that sex releases endorphins which make you feel better, sex always makes people feel better in general, and Army Boy can do some prrrretty freaking amazing things) lol i think i felt better because the way it was today is how we normally are. we always joke and things but, it felt like that barrier i talked about was gone. cuddling after an intense sex session like that is addicting...omg i can't believe i just thought of this now.

of course cuddling is amazing and i could do it all day but there's something i've done with Army Boy and him alone....cuddling after intense sex sessions like the one today. that's something i only have with him and it's something that i haven't been getting. i mean, he knows me really well and vise versa, we're ridiculously similar but so very different that knowing each other intimately isn't necessarily hard for us but it's that specific cuddling session that makes our relationship just that much more special. at least to me...because i've only ever done that with him.

and of course being his focus for (gosh it felt like hours and hours) that period of time makes me feel better. special. not only because he's focused on me but also because of what i do for him. i give myself to him in a way i've never done with anybody else....maybe that's what makes this relationship so scary? he's seen a side of me that no one else has and he has access to a part of me i've never let anyone else see...he could easily hurt me and take advantage. and because he's so special it would be very easy for him to do that

(omg that was kind of a huge revelation for me...hold on a sec)...............

i seriously never even thought about that before.

maybe because he makes me so happy and because he has a part of ME that no one else has is the reason i'm freaking out. maybe i'm too afraid that it won't work out. that it's too good to be true and it'll be gone.

but the more i freak out the more i turn into "that girl". the crazy one who freaked out over everything and pushed her bf away because she was making things up in her own head and he couldn't/wouldn't deal with it. that's what Mr. Marine told me today. i told him i know Logically that i'm being crazy and wat he told me really stuck. he said...

"you're being like how Mr. Big was with you. u have the least girl like mentality of all the girls i know, but ur still a girl and as a girl you guys over think things! so stop doing that and enjoy what you have because at this point i know the logical side of your brain has to be screaming that it's perfect to the crazy side of ur brain....you've been messy for a long time now and you've got a perfect chance to start over so don't be a dum girl"

i love him for this exact reason. he loves me enough to say shit how it is. and he's right.

this is my chance to start over and god i want to so badly!!! everything is perfect. but then of course there's that little nagging feeling that says something is wrong. now i just have to figure out if it's because i'm scared, or if it's because he really is doing something he shouldn't be behind my back. and of course i should just ask him because, after all, i want my new relationship to be better and one major flaw in my last one was communication. but even if he says all the right things again and i feel better, what if i stop feeling better? and if he's telling the truth?...it's up to me to believe him. but obviously my belief in him isn't lasting long which brings me back to, is it me or is this feeling i have based on something he's really doing?

wow, i started to feel better and like i actually helped myself but those last few sentences totally brought me down again. and the sad/wonderful part is...

i know he could make me feel better even at this very moment

It's such a big mistake lying here in your warm embrace.

i spend too much time inside my own head and everything i think never ends up good for me. i sabotage myself and my relationships because i over analyze everything. and i'm sure it's easy to think, "well ya dumbass, if you know you do it then why don't you just stop?" well good question!! the answer is...because i don't fucking know how!!

basically, i feel almost certain that i'm going to fuck up my relationship. and by fuck up i mean, ruin it before it's had a chance to start. i'm thoroughly convinced i will make it crash and burn (not sure if i said it yet BUT! Army Boy and i are actually officially each others significant other now. like bf gf) anyway, the night it happened was so dramatic. said i felt like he was going to cheat and i wouldn't be enough and all of these other dramatic things....and of course he said all the perfect things to me. which is good. except when it's not. like now

i got over it fairly quickly. obviously. because rationally my brain knows that he wouldn't do that because 1) it was done to him and 2) why would he waste so much time sticking around through all my drama the past year if he didn't really care? oh and 3) because what kind of guy says you can go through his stuff if you don't believe him? NO GUY! that's right. so that made me feel better.

until the other day. i'm not quite sure what happened but everything just felt wrong again. i don't trust him. and the thing is, logically, i know i have no reason not to trust him... ok so maybe i need to explain my thought process for this to make sense...

i feel like he compartmentalizes the people in his life.
which is something i do and it's something that i do well
but...
i feel like i'm so ready to introduce him to my best friends...
my mom already does cute things like make food and always sets some aside for him..
we've basically been together on and off since he's been home,
that he's integrated into my life.
but how much am i in his?
there's still so much i don't know about him,
his friends,
other various personal things he doesn't talk about,
or a side of him i don't see often.
i feel like i become this needy person which isn't me at all.
i start feeling not good enough,
not pretty enough,
not thin enough...
i just feel like i'm not enough.
then i start thinking and comparing...
which is bad and i shouldn't do it but,
after 6 years of things being one way, you get used to it.
and i have to remember he is a different person.
he shows things differently.
he does things differently.
but then i worry that something isn't right....
and i think i figured it out that,
when we first got together,
more than things being new and us totally being mushy for the other,
there was an element he brought to our relationship,
and this element isn't something i'm getting currently.
so i think that it makes me feel less special.
like...
what makes me so different than any of the other girls he talks to?
maybe i'm not different.
maybe he's doing and saying things with them that he does with me.
maybe because i'm in the same state is the only difference.
maybe he hasn't told his "friends" we're together.
maybe he's not ready for me to be in his life as much as he is into mine.
or at least as much as i want him to be in mine.

basically, you can see how me living in my head can seriously screw things up. and the fucked up thing is, i can think all of these things and start pushing him away. i'll get quiet or kind of smartassy but not in a fun way. more like a mean way. so i'll push him away for maybe a day or a few days but i ultimately just end up missing him too damn much that i cave to myself and tell him i miss him and then i'm just a cuddle machine. it's really frustrating for myself.

i hate feeling crazy. i hate feeling insecure. i hate being skeptical. i hate that i don't understand why it seems like i'm bent on making this relationship crash and burn. i hate that i don't understand why he loves me. and even more than hating not understanding, i hate that i don't truly believe it.

today i was talking it over with my boss and i told her that i thought us being official would feel different. but it doesn't. and i think it's because, we were basically in a relationship this whole time and now all it has is a name that, it's kind of a weird relationship. idk why but it still kind of feels like we're two separate people who hang out alot and are together alot but there's something there that keeps us from being a couple but more like two separate entities just coming together at the end of the day. and, i do think it's important for couples to have their own lives, idk....to me it feels like there's this block and it's keeping us from being a couple couple.

and maybe it's me. which would make sense. i am going through alot and it doesn't help that i fuck with my own head so, i could very well be the barrier. i just wish i knew how to fix all the problems really quickly and make this relationship be what i know it can be. but maybe that's just it....i know it has the possibility of being something really great but we're so alike that it's freaking me out. i can't deal with dating myself lol seems like an unnecessary kick in the head. like, instead of being me i'm my ex and Army Boy is me. ironic no? i think it's kind of a shitty spot to be in......and maybe it's really only this complicated in my head and really things are just peachy. hmm....

how did i become like this? i really don't get it. it's so frustrating and i'm just so over it...over being me.

just. over it.