Human Push Broom

that's what i am. i just push people away and i push my feelings down. obviously it isn't working so well...the feelings part anyway. pushing people away though, still perfect.

took a shower last night and tried not to cry.
woke up this morning...same thing.

all day at work it was basically all i thought about. i hate having feelings because they're usually not wrong and that's the part i hate the most. i wish i could be wrong. but i know i'm not. so what to do?

first i need to figure out how much of the freak out is necessary.
then i need to figure out how much of it is me and how much of it is (other).
thirdly i need to deal with it. and i want to deal with it all at once. like a bandaid. that shit hurts if you're a bitch about it so i needa be a bamf and just rip it off all at once.

that's the hard part. confrontation. i'm good at it when i'm angry but basically any other time it's not my favorite. i'm good at it when i need to be but i'm not sure how it'll work this time.

i feel like the more i think about it the more i'm just making myself crazy. crazy. crazy. i feel fucking crazy!!! i'm not this person and i don't want to be this person but FUCK...that's what this is turning me into and if it won't change, or if i can't be convinced otherwise then it won't work. which is sad because i want this to work really badly. but make no mistake that i will drop this situation like a hot tamale because i don't deal with bullshit and especially after what i've been going through with the relationship crap, i definitely won't stand around unless it's 100 percent secure.

which is exactly what i don't feel right now. i feel like i'm on a fucking cliff. i felt like it was there and then i went looking for it even though it's smarter not to look for the edge and now i'm too scared to move off it....

fuck.