methodical thoughts

so i reread my last two posts and upon closer inspection, i basically seem really bipolar lol it's not funny but it kind of is. i freak out and then i talk myself through it but somehow talk myself back into a freak out.

seriously, thank myself that i actually went out and got a therapist because, for as much clarity as i give myself here, i give myself just as many foggy thoughts. so i went to her and talked it over. "it" because my freak outs and how i Logically think i'm making a big deal out of nothing.

what really struck me about my last convo was what i said. and it struck her too actually. i said something along the lines of me being afraid he'll hurt me or he'll take advantage because of the piece of me he has. i wasn't thinking with depth enough, i just thought that realization was deep enough. i was wrong. i was thinking that maybe it's just residual feelings from my last relationship impacting my new relationship but apparently (and of course this seems like common sense) it's my past experience of being hurt and abused as a kid that's impacting my thoughts, feelings and actions in my relationship with Army Boy. things i as a grown person have come to terms with but have totally ignored how those past experiences shape the person you are.

my poor communication skills and my fear of this being "too good to be true. he must want to hurt me eventually" are products of past experience. anyway, this is a little bit boring but i guess i just never realized how poor my communication skills are. i've learned that i can take care of myself and i don't need anyone to help but these skills aren't conducive to a relationship. and it's hard to be in a relationship if you can't express yourself or if you've experienced betrayal from your family. being really independent is counterproductive to a relationship. also i think, i know what i'm capable of...after all, when we started talking i was still with Mr. Big and i would go home at night and have a completely different life. i would be on my fone all the time doing one thing and saying another. so even though we're together all the time, i know things aren't always as they seem because i've done that.

and going out with someone who's just as strong willed as me puts this relationship on a different level.

anyway, i felt better after my last meeting. now that i know what i need to work on i just need to do it. slowly. methodically. with care.....and i can't act irrationally on my irrational thoughts. i mean, depending on which friend i talk to i get different answers about my feeling i have but, a person you're in a relationship with deserves trust until something has happened for that trust to be lost. and although i've had a lot of experience with people betraying my trust, i can't automatically assume that he'll do that to me. because i could ruin something really amazing.

he just makes me happy. trying to communicate with him is hard, though. even tho it's been over a year and a half and even though it was never hard to talk to him while he was away, it's so much harder in person that i can't be as open face to face. i'm supposed to be able to talk with him but fuck it's so hard. part of me really doesn't want to because i just want to deal with being crazy on my own, and the other part feels like i'm lying when i don't tell him things because i want to and i respect him and love him to a point that it bothers me when i can't get myself to grow relationship wise and treat him differently. better, in a sense, than what i'm used to doing.

i don't even know where i'm going with this post, or my own thoughts. i guess, i know logically he probably wouldn't hurt me, i need to be slow and thoughtful in my reaction to my own thoughts, and i eventually have to tell him what's going on i'm just scared to. ok, i think i can sleep. this isn't as bad as i thought. it's just harder to do than it is to say...