this is about 36 minutes late but seeing as how i think the new day hasn't started unless you've fallen asleep, it's technically still sunday to me :)
i suppose i have a lot to be thankful for this week (other than it's always nice to not have school tomorrow). one is surprisingly quiet, the other is masked and the other other is how it should be.
one: Leah. we had a girls night on friday night and it was fun. we watched atonement which is AMAZING! and then princess and the frog which i own but hadn't seen until then. this is the quiet surprise. she's quiet, nice, smart and i'm glad we're friends. i like that friday nights are our nights because she and i, although aren't best friends, it's easy for us to talk to one another regardless of the topic.
two: friday night before movie night balloons with prayers were sent off into the clouds and rose up above to the universe. i'm thankful that i tried and good luck smiled down and it rained (which i always think is a good sign)...it's masked as a sad situation though and i hope this changes.
three: things are as they should be with the bf. we had a few small snags recently but they seem to have just magically worked themselves out.
i'm happy. genuinely happy.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
And I Was Doing So Well...
i was right...my last post was a jinx maker *sigh* right when things were looking up, i took a few steps back.
i had a dr. apt and it didn't go so well. without giving too much detail i needed to get tests done and the possibility of having bad results made the bf freak out at me. he doesn't yell as he's excellent at being mechanical with his emotions, but he was very angry with me. kind of stoned face i guess is the best way to describe it. then our semi-heated discussion lead to Army Boy being brought into it... the bf is feeling quite insecure at the moment and sadly i just don't care anymore. i'm tired of having the same discussion over and over again and for a brief second, it made me question if giving him another chance was the right decision. maybe i should've broken it off for good after the alena situation happened.
another reason why i thought this was because of my reaction to Army Boy's weekend plans. now, seeing as i was in love with him, and actually am still in love with him (it's just a quiet spot rather than my head bursting out loud), i don't think my reaction put me in the wrong but he wasn't quite happy with how i reacted. he had plans for sum belated valentine's day thing today and then some girl is coming out of town to hang out with him. (he tried taking this back later saying she's not only going to see him. whatever). so i told him he should've lied to me. he didn't get it at all. then it was like a kitchen sink convo that lead into us having a schedule of days we see one another, how i act like a jealous gf but i'm not his gf, how maybe i shouldn't spend so much time with him and on and on. this text convo lasted over an hr...seriously i tried so hard not to cry. my intention wasn't for a full blown convo it was just me telling him i'm not ready to pretend i'm ok with him seeing other girls. obviously i'm not unrealistic, it's gonna happen. but i'm selfish and possessive and he's mine, even though he's not mine. it's just how i am. and i can only pretend so much but i didn't think it was a huge request to ask of him to just downplay other girls in his life. not to mention he's the type of guy who has nothing but female friends anyway so that right off the bat is like constant paranoia. i sound crazy, but really i'm not. i'm just in love with a person and the thought of him kissing anyone else brings out the worst in me...
anyway, so the fight with the bf was the night before and so for two days i've been thinking...have i made the right decision? have i given the bf too many chances? i was so possessive it was one of the reasons i couldn't let go in the first place but now it's affecting how i feel towards Army Boy. this really sucks. the bestie asked what i was going to do and probably i'm going to shrug it off. what it comes down to is, my mother was right. i didn't have to choose between the two- they compliment each other. where one falls short the other picks up the slack- really, i wasn't ready to choose. but i did and now i have to see it through whether we stay together or not. i have to put forth my best effort no matter the outcome and just swallow my possessive words in regards to Army Boy. but at least he knows how i feel, i was honest..now it's just up to him on whether he'll respect how i feel
i had a dr. apt and it didn't go so well. without giving too much detail i needed to get tests done and the possibility of having bad results made the bf freak out at me. he doesn't yell as he's excellent at being mechanical with his emotions, but he was very angry with me. kind of stoned face i guess is the best way to describe it. then our semi-heated discussion lead to Army Boy being brought into it... the bf is feeling quite insecure at the moment and sadly i just don't care anymore. i'm tired of having the same discussion over and over again and for a brief second, it made me question if giving him another chance was the right decision. maybe i should've broken it off for good after the alena situation happened.
another reason why i thought this was because of my reaction to Army Boy's weekend plans. now, seeing as i was in love with him, and actually am still in love with him (it's just a quiet spot rather than my head bursting out loud), i don't think my reaction put me in the wrong but he wasn't quite happy with how i reacted. he had plans for sum belated valentine's day thing today and then some girl is coming out of town to hang out with him. (he tried taking this back later saying she's not only going to see him. whatever). so i told him he should've lied to me. he didn't get it at all. then it was like a kitchen sink convo that lead into us having a schedule of days we see one another, how i act like a jealous gf but i'm not his gf, how maybe i shouldn't spend so much time with him and on and on. this text convo lasted over an hr...seriously i tried so hard not to cry. my intention wasn't for a full blown convo it was just me telling him i'm not ready to pretend i'm ok with him seeing other girls. obviously i'm not unrealistic, it's gonna happen. but i'm selfish and possessive and he's mine, even though he's not mine. it's just how i am. and i can only pretend so much but i didn't think it was a huge request to ask of him to just downplay other girls in his life. not to mention he's the type of guy who has nothing but female friends anyway so that right off the bat is like constant paranoia. i sound crazy, but really i'm not. i'm just in love with a person and the thought of him kissing anyone else brings out the worst in me...
anyway, so the fight with the bf was the night before and so for two days i've been thinking...have i made the right decision? have i given the bf too many chances? i was so possessive it was one of the reasons i couldn't let go in the first place but now it's affecting how i feel towards Army Boy. this really sucks. the bestie asked what i was going to do and probably i'm going to shrug it off. what it comes down to is, my mother was right. i didn't have to choose between the two- they compliment each other. where one falls short the other picks up the slack- really, i wasn't ready to choose. but i did and now i have to see it through whether we stay together or not. i have to put forth my best effort no matter the outcome and just swallow my possessive words in regards to Army Boy. but at least he knows how i feel, i was honest..now it's just up to him on whether he'll respect how i feel
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Looking Up
i've been holding off on this post for a bit. maybe i don't want to jinx myself but i feel it...like things are really looking a bit brighter. minor setback or two, but overall things are better.
after that whole ordeal about whether or not i cheated and what i may or may not have done while i was broken up, i actually ignored the bf for a few days. i wouldn't answer his texts and i ignored his phone calls. i was really upset that he would call me. choose to believe "them" over me.
after about two days or so i decided it was about time for me to go to his house and get things straightened out. this was the most empty i had felt in years. literally empty. unfortunately, he was happy to see me. to him, i guess, me saying that i had been faithful was all he needed to hear and he was back in LaLa Land. for me, it was completely opposite. i don't quite remember what was said, but i was there for hours.
basically the important part was that, i was giving up. i was ready to break up.
For good.
i explained how i wasn't being given a second chance. no way for me to start over. he was bringing things up about Army Boy, always making it a big deal that i was still talking to him and constantly bringing up whether i had done something with him or not. to me this wasn't fair. we were broken up and my life without him was just that...without him. i had no obligation to tell him anything whether it be true or not. i felt that he wasn't letting me get over this hurdle, his friends had their own opinion about our relationship which made him doubt me, and now this situation...i felt that once i had put my ring back on we were starting new and i was being robbed of that promise. the promise that the past didn't exist and we could start fresh.
on top of that, i basically told my only brother and my sort of sister to fuck off. that's two less people in my life who were family. i really felt empty inside and that i didn't have enough in me to try to get past the situation and be in a relationship anymore. i was tired of having to try and try, be honest and be open because it obviously wasn't working out for me.
"so...are you breaking up with me?"
"i don't want to say yes but..."
i swear the silence after my reply was deafening and lasted forever. he held me and i just cried and cried, gasping for air...i really had given up at that point and was almost coming to terms with our relationship ending. at that moment i thought about Army Boy and myself being able to start a relationship. finally being given our chance because, even though i may not think about it as often, i know my love for him is still inside me. maybe our relationship would be better. maybe i could make him happy and i wouldn't have to deal with this type of drama.
after crying and talking over how i felt about running on empty. basically having two less people in my life and how i'm not sure i have anything left for him...it was a last ditch effort, i think. i told the bf that i felt nothing, and that i would like to feel something. he kissed me.
i told him i had conditions to us getting back together. one: if he wants to stay ignorant about the time i spend with Army Boy then that's his deal but he can't take it out on me. Army Boy was the door i needed to be open and he's too important to not be friends with. two: if there is another situation of my honesty being questioned and our break up is brought up once more, i'm done. i was promised a fresh start, a new relationship, and i expect nothing less. he promised.
since then, there have been a few issues but we've upheld our promises. communication has never been my strong suit, but texting is amazing for it. i have time to think, process my responses and things get discussed more easily that way. and we're open. nothing can't be asked or answered honestly, and if we have something that needs to be addressed because it's bothering us, there is no hesitation to ask.
i do feel a bit of longing once in a while when i hang out with Army Boy, especially since i was reminded of when he and i first started talking again. his hair is cut, his uniform was on and his attitude matched them... not necessarily the uniform thats attractive it's just his persona. then i started thinking about our road trip, when he stayed with me on leave, picking him up from the airport and running to his arms...all of theses things came flooding back and i missed him. i thought about when he asked me to live with him and sometimes when i watch him cook or vacuum i think of the relationship i could have had.
but i've agreed to give the bf my all in our relationship and so far it's been going great. i can only hope for the best from here on out...
after that whole ordeal about whether or not i cheated and what i may or may not have done while i was broken up, i actually ignored the bf for a few days. i wouldn't answer his texts and i ignored his phone calls. i was really upset that he would call me. choose to believe "them" over me.
after about two days or so i decided it was about time for me to go to his house and get things straightened out. this was the most empty i had felt in years. literally empty. unfortunately, he was happy to see me. to him, i guess, me saying that i had been faithful was all he needed to hear and he was back in LaLa Land. for me, it was completely opposite. i don't quite remember what was said, but i was there for hours.
basically the important part was that, i was giving up. i was ready to break up.
For good.
i explained how i wasn't being given a second chance. no way for me to start over. he was bringing things up about Army Boy, always making it a big deal that i was still talking to him and constantly bringing up whether i had done something with him or not. to me this wasn't fair. we were broken up and my life without him was just that...without him. i had no obligation to tell him anything whether it be true or not. i felt that he wasn't letting me get over this hurdle, his friends had their own opinion about our relationship which made him doubt me, and now this situation...i felt that once i had put my ring back on we were starting new and i was being robbed of that promise. the promise that the past didn't exist and we could start fresh.
on top of that, i basically told my only brother and my sort of sister to fuck off. that's two less people in my life who were family. i really felt empty inside and that i didn't have enough in me to try to get past the situation and be in a relationship anymore. i was tired of having to try and try, be honest and be open because it obviously wasn't working out for me.
"so...are you breaking up with me?"
"i don't want to say yes but..."
i swear the silence after my reply was deafening and lasted forever. he held me and i just cried and cried, gasping for air...i really had given up at that point and was almost coming to terms with our relationship ending. at that moment i thought about Army Boy and myself being able to start a relationship. finally being given our chance because, even though i may not think about it as often, i know my love for him is still inside me. maybe our relationship would be better. maybe i could make him happy and i wouldn't have to deal with this type of drama.
after crying and talking over how i felt about running on empty. basically having two less people in my life and how i'm not sure i have anything left for him...it was a last ditch effort, i think. i told the bf that i felt nothing, and that i would like to feel something. he kissed me.
i told him i had conditions to us getting back together. one: if he wants to stay ignorant about the time i spend with Army Boy then that's his deal but he can't take it out on me. Army Boy was the door i needed to be open and he's too important to not be friends with. two: if there is another situation of my honesty being questioned and our break up is brought up once more, i'm done. i was promised a fresh start, a new relationship, and i expect nothing less. he promised.
since then, there have been a few issues but we've upheld our promises. communication has never been my strong suit, but texting is amazing for it. i have time to think, process my responses and things get discussed more easily that way. and we're open. nothing can't be asked or answered honestly, and if we have something that needs to be addressed because it's bothering us, there is no hesitation to ask.
i do feel a bit of longing once in a while when i hang out with Army Boy, especially since i was reminded of when he and i first started talking again. his hair is cut, his uniform was on and his attitude matched them... not necessarily the uniform thats attractive it's just his persona. then i started thinking about our road trip, when he stayed with me on leave, picking him up from the airport and running to his arms...all of theses things came flooding back and i missed him. i thought about when he asked me to live with him and sometimes when i watch him cook or vacuum i think of the relationship i could have had.
but i've agreed to give the bf my all in our relationship and so far it's been going great. i can only hope for the best from here on out...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Beautiful Soup
i think i've mentioned this before, about dealing with an eating disorder and how it never really goes away... not that i'm dealing with it now but sometimes you get that feeling, or that thought that makes you concerned about your food. i kind of feel it, in the back of my head, that my new obsession with soup, while delicious, might be a way for me to have a release about my stress. i haven't been going to the gym, i don't have the energy really to go do things, all i really want to do is sleep and because i expend so little energy throughout my day, soup is a good way to eat and not feel guilty. especially since i'm trying to cut out gluten in case i have celiacs disease, or a little bit of a gluten intolerance.
the only reason i'm putting this post up here is because i think if i said this to anyone else, my eating habits would be watched when it's nothing to be concerned about. it's just my food of choice right now. i really don't like to go out and eat a huge meal anymore but i'll do it when i go out to lunch with Drein or Army Boy...but honestly, i just want a small bowl of soup or chicken broth..
food is food after all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDG73IAO5M8
the only reason i'm putting this post up here is because i think if i said this to anyone else, my eating habits would be watched when it's nothing to be concerned about. it's just my food of choice right now. i really don't like to go out and eat a huge meal anymore but i'll do it when i go out to lunch with Drein or Army Boy...but honestly, i just want a small bowl of soup or chicken broth..
food is food after all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDG73IAO5M8
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