Choose One: Friend or Significant Other?

Easter Sunday went well in spite of the conversation i had with the bf saturday night. i'm not quite sure if he's my bf anymore, though. allow me to explain..

all week has been his spring break and all week i had things of my own to do at school which created the perfect opportunity for me to give excuses not to see him. i didn't really mean to do this necessarily but it sort of just unfolded that way and my sentiment wasn't one that was eager to see him. so after leaving Army Boy's house saturday night i went to see the bf. we watched "Easy A" (which was hilariously witty and better than i expected) and then after that we were forced to talk to one another. i mean, it's kind of a big thing when the person you're in a relationship with doesn't really want to speak to you and finds excuses not to see you. there was only so much skirting around the issue that i could do

it went a little something like this...

"so what's up? you haven't really been saying anything back to my texts and you have found reasons not to talk to or see me all week....why?"

" (long pause)...i guess i'm still mad at you. it's kind of a big deal and seriously made me question whether being in a relationship is really important. or necessary. i don't think it's necessary. look at everyone else we hang out with and what's happened because they wanted to be too serious. i think you and i do better when we're just really good friends. things are less stressful. and it was just a really bad time for this situation to happen because i asked lots of people what to do and they all said the same thing."

"who did you talk to? what did you tell them?"

"i talked to my mom, my dad, jessi, my boss..basically anyone i thought would be able to give me an outside perspective and sound advice. the only person i told about my text conversation was jessi but basically everyone's answer was the same. being in a relationship right now, especially because i have one semester left, isn't smart. it's not necessary. school and work are what's important. and you either trust me or you don't and i really don't know if i care to wait and find out. i don't like being in a serious realtionship...

(queue the waterworks)

...and i feel like a bad person. i feel guilty and horrible because i've put you through so much this year and last year and you've stuck it out and it's like, at the end of the day i just say, hey this is too stressful for me i don't wanna do it. that makes me feel horrible. because honestly, this isn't about you. this isn't about anyone else except for me. i don't feel like a person. i don't feel like an individual, like i know myself..i really just don't feel like me. i know it's because i live in this stupid little OC bubble and i'm sure once i leave i'll feel differently. but i want to feel like a person. i know you understand what i mean but really, if i don't get to go to santa barbara like i've planned i will literally just die. i hate it here and i'm so..unhappy. and i just think that being so serious right now is a mistake."

and that was that. well, the gist of it.

basically him asking minimalist questions and i just let it all out. it's weird, i don't cry, like ever. maybe shed a tear or two, get watery eyes, but very seldom has anyone seen me really cry. except for him.

and after all i had to say was said, he took it really well. basically said that the title of being in a relationship wasn't important and that he just wants me to be happy. his priority is getting us back to being friends and spending time together. because in the midst of being in a relationship we lost our ability to be friends. he asked me why we couldn't have both. i just said that it seems to be a pattern of ours, something that we don't do intentionally but it just seems to happen. so to him, if i'm not happy then what's the point in staying in a serious relationship? there really isn't one.

now the question is, did we break up? what kind of relationship do we have? what does "not serious" mean? haha i love how i have all these questions and i'm the one that put myself in this category. his main concern is with me being his and only his because he doesn't want to share me. even though what i was talking about has nothing to do with anyone else but myself, i understand his concern. he keeps saying things that start with "my" and honestly it makes me uncomfortable because, i don't really want to be anybody's anything.

i want to be mine.

if that makes sense...we broke up and then got back together and i still don't feel like my own person. it's part of why i joined student leadership. aside from it making me look good on my resume, i was hoping that it would force me to be involved and i'd be able to grow, even a little bit, into my own person. i'm kind of mad because i'm back to square one and i don't think i have anything to show for the inbetween parts other than, a conventional relationship isn't something i'm really into and i've learned it the hard way.

i'm greatful though that he's taking it so nicely. i caught him saying things that weren't really as "fine" as he made it seem so i told him not to lie. don't say something is fine if it's not because, that really isn't going to get you anywhere. i'm kind of rambling now...i'm searching for an answer. all this ambiguity doesn't sit well with me. i'm not really someone that likes rules and regulations but i understand their purpose and i wish i had some guidelines for this.

hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, sex...these are all things that people in a relationship do. saying im not in a serious relationship to me means that these things aren't reserved for him and him alone because i'm not his. saying i'm not in a serious relationship means we're not together. but to him i think it means i'm still his, it's just the severity of the relationship is dialed down and instead the focus is on rebuilding our friendship for an eventual relationship. i'm not saying i plan on kissing everybody or sleeping with tons of people, i'm just saying that if a kiss were to come my way that i wouldn't be obligated to not reciprocate. and this is where i think it gets tricky. i don't say "i love you" or "i miss you" when he says it to me because, how can i show affection when i don't have guidelines? if i were to say "i love you too" it could mean, i love our relationship and everything we've been through together, but for him it could mean that i will love him forever and this "non serious relationship" is just going to make us stronger later.

its ambiguity that makes me uneasy. honestly i liked when we were broken up and everything was casual and i didn't have to worry about how much time i was spending with him and when i made decisions i made them for myself because it was in my best interest and i only had to take myself into account. this sounds selfish, i realize this. but what it did for me was make me feel like i ran my own life. i didnt have to give anything up because of somebody else. if it made me happy, i did it. any consequences would be myn to face but i wouldn't have to take shit from anyone else because, i did things for me.


i dont know what i'm trying to say really. other than i'm not sure if we're together or broken up. we started out as really great friends. best friends actually. and that got lost somewhere over the almost six years of being together.

i would really like to get that back and i think to get a friendship back, the lover relationship has to be taken out of the equation.

Ethical Decision Making

so i joined the student leadership program at my school..basically i join a "track" and the one i chose is called EMBRACE. it's about multicultural things and basic respect for everyone of every race, ethnicity, orientation, etc. why is this important? well it makes my academic resume look good, it keeps me busy, and it makes my academic resume look good. i do 20 hours worth of workshops (lecture) and 5hrs of volunteer work and at the end i get a certificate that says i worked hard and now am a student leader who can work with many cultures. yay!

today i went to a 1.5hr workshop on..you guessed it..Ethical Decision Making. during the workshop though, i started feeling guilty. i don't really feel guilty for things because, well, i try to live my life with no regrets. if something happened, good or bad, i take the consequences and deal with them appropriately. i try not to feel guilty because guilt implies that you wish you hadn't done something and this goes against "No Regrets". now, while i wish there would have been some things i hadn't done or things that i had done differently, i don't think i've ever felt guilt over it. badly, yes. angry at myself, yes. but guilt?...nope i don't think so.

except for today. during my lecture on ethical decision making. of course, it would have to be today. now, why do i feel guilty?


because i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i'm not sure how honest i want to be yet, if ever. how honest do i really need to be? i don't know but probably not too honest. so i'll just say that, while i've had my ring off i detached from the bf and grew closer to Army Boy and while i don't regret what i received, i do feel guilty.

guilt over my loss of direction, guilt over how good i felt, guilt because i question everything i do, guilt because i want two things at once, guilt because i don't know if i'm dragging this relationship out, guilt because i sometimes feel like it's not worth giving up, guilt because i sometimes act like it is worth giving up...i just feel damn guilty for so many things and i don't know what to do.



how bad would it be if i were to say, "i need to break up, again, but this time it's not you. it's me. i know you can't do anymore than you are already doing, and i appreciate that, but the bottom line is, i'm not sure i can receive it. i don't know if i want to love you anymore. why? because it's too stressful and i hate how our relationship gets crazy when we get serious. why is it so important to be so serious right now? my life is in an onward/upward motion out of here and i'm not sure i want to focus on our relationship when i leave...etc etc etc".
because that's what i said. i said that the other night to the bf while we were discussing if we were going to stay together.

we, well i was yelling and he was staying "composed and stone-ish" as usual. we discussed how he thought i was wrong and how i thought he was wrong when it came to the phone situation..long story short (only because i can't remember details) he decided he wanted to say yes to the relationship and expected me to hug him, say i love him and everything would be okay. and then i layed down on the bed and continued to say everything stated above. i told him that just because he hugs me doesn't take away the hurt and anger i have. i told him that i wasn't sure i wanted in the relationship anymore...of course it ended with us staying together but, i haven't put my ring back on and i can't say i love him when he says it to me.

i don't know what i'm doing and my actions/thoughts are making me feel guilty. he told me, "sometimes i think the only reason you stay with me is because you don't like the idea of me being with someone else". and you know, he's right. i don't like that idea and i know that's one of the reasons i can't break up. another reason is because of our history together. but other than that, i don't know. i feel like i can only act so much and everything else is just bullshit.

how do i say this...? i say i'm in the relationship but deep down inside i don't feel it and i don't know if i'm doing this on purpose or if i actually don't want to be in the relationship anymore.

where do i draw the line?

Evolutionist Theory of Love

so i was talking to my old boss the other day, trying to gain insight into my problem i recently had with the bf and her story intrigued me. it got me thinking.

her response was a story of a guy she dated while she traveled to New York. she traveled there for business every few weeks and i guess 'she was really into him. the first day they met they got along really well. " it's just one of those things where you know right from the first moment that you're going to have a relationship with this person". and then.. BAM! he says... " i just want you to know i'm really upfront about my life and you need to know that i'm an Evolutionist. i don't believe in dating just one person". and, to my surprise, she totally didn't care. she thought that a guy who could be totally honest like that was great and she knew that he would never lie to her. long story short, they broke up because she wasn't traveling anymore.

i asked her about the relationship itself and she said, "i was in CA most of the time so why would i get mad he dated other girls while i wasn't there? he was honest about it and even though i knew he dated other girls, he always made me feel like the only one in his life while i was in town. and you know, after i had started dating (current boyfriend) and i went to NY for work, it was really hard not to call him because our relationship had been so good in the past".


she told me this story because of the honesty factor. she said that i have been honest and upfront about my friendship with Army Boy and maybe i'm too honest. too honest in the sense that the bf can't deal with it. i want to be recognized that i haven't been hiding it and all i'm met with is mistrust. her old bf was honest and she accepted him. i'm honest and i'm not accepted but instead i'm punished.

then it was a tiny snowball effect and i got to thinking...when in my life have i been really happy in regards to relationships? and it was funny because it had always been when i had a boyfriend and then a guy best friend who was like a back up boyfriend without the sexual intimacy. like two boyfriends at once. my first boyfriend and my best friend (who ended up sleeping together). then that same boyfriend and his best friend (who i had a tiny thing with). then my boyfriend and another friend. and now the bf and Army Boy (not necessarily happy all the time but both of them in my life is nice). so...if i've been happy when i've had basically two boyfriends, does that make me an Evolutionist?



then more snowball effect..

humans are the only species on the planet (technically there are 11 other species, most of which are birds) who stick with the same partner for life. it's unreasonable and unfair to both parties to think that one person can give you everything that you need. it's unreasonable because everyone has shortcomings and it's unfair because it sets the couple up to fail over stupid problems. if jealousy and possessiveness weren't factored into the equation, i think my boss's old boyfriend had a valid point and above all else he was HONEST about it.

and still, after all this thought...i still don't know what to do to solve my problem. i'm back in limbo. my ring is off, we don't really kiss, it's kinda awkward hugging...i'm so lost as to my next step.

Surgery Update

hi everyone.

i know i've been talking about my medical woes and monday i had surgery. good news is i don't have endometriosis. bad news, part of my colon or small intestine was attached to my left ovary. how that happened i don't know. so a piece of material was put in place to prevent that from happening again.

it's been a few days and i can move around a bit more. can't really laugh hard and sometimes getting up/sitting down is hard but overall i feel alright.

special thank you to Tansy for sending wishes my way

Cherry Limeade and Cigarettes

i only smoke when i'm uber stressed... i seriously felt like this today...


so it's been a while since i've blogged. i've been meaning to do it too, but now i can't really remember the stories i had to tell because this story i have now overshadows everything else. it quite nicely ties into my last blog too, unfortunately.

so let me back up a few days ago...my old best friend/current sometimes friend who is the long time best friend of the bf was going through a mental roadblock. we went to go help him out as he had dropped off the face of the planet for a week and on the way to his apartment, i was really angry that i had to deal with a situation such as this.

*sidenote* i smoke pot occasionally. i used to be against drugs and then i wasn't against them anymore. i respect the choice not to smoke, and i expect the same respect for my choice. i don't abuse it. i do have pain because of my ovaries and scoliosis, i just don't have the money for a medical card. my parents know i smoke...i have a healthy respect for it.


with that said, my old best friend has lately been abusing it and now is having a conflict about the world. basically, he's going crazy because he psyches himself out while he's high. dumb and i hate people who abuse marijuana in this way. it paints a bad picture for those of us who need it. anyway, on the way there i was angry because the whole situation was stupid and the bf thought that my way of talking at that moment was disrespectful. (when i get upset i get loud which can be mistaken for yelling. it's not yelling per say, just me talking..earnestly). so i texted Army Boy because he knows how i can get and can actually handle me. while i was texting, the bf kept asking over and over and over "who are you texting?" so i replied, "someone i can bitch to who i won't get mad at because they think i'm being mean". so of course he got emo...whatever. i don't care. i needed to vent and obviously he couldn't handle it.

after our intervention is over, we get back to his parking lot at his condo and the bf asks "i want to talk about this maturely and nicely. i don't see why you need to keep me and (Army Boy) separate. can i meet him?" to which i replied with flipping out, yelling and negativity. this question lead to him getting emo that i keep them separate, him thinking it's weird that i have such a close relationship, me hanging out at weird hours and it seeming "odd", etc etc etc. and while i FULLY understand where he's coming from, i don't care. why? because i'm not cheating, sleeping around, kissing, etc. i'm hanging out with my friend who just happens to be someone i was in an unofficial relationship with at one point in time. while i still have lingering feelings, i don't act on them. so i ended that part of the convo with me explaining why i don't use Army Boy's name. i always say "i'm at a friends" or whatever. why i think they need to stay in separate bubbles, he needs to get over my friendship and that i choose to not share it with him, etc.

then this lead to my health somehow, i don't remember how, and i divulged information that while yes i'm sick, i have no interest in going to the gym or giving a hoot about what i eat. i just don't care about that right now. i told the bf that while i was working out and eating right, i started having feelings about being anorexic again and that food was scaring me. so after this things kinda calmed down and i went home

soooo the story for today...

i get to the bf's house after interning and it's hot here in cali. it's 95 and i am a person who doesn't do well over 72. so i get to his house, rinse off my body so i can feel fresh and when i get back into his room i see he has an emo face, and i glance down at his desk and see that my fone is open to Army Boy's texts which is not where i left my phone when i put it down. so he shuts the door and asks if i'm cheating on him. so i throw of my towel and start yelling as i put my clothes on. he tries to hug me and i just keep yelling things to the effect of "we're really here again? i wouldn't have wasted a whole year and gotten back together with you if i was just going to sleep around. i can't believe this shit! i'm done! i might as well just cheat because you think i am anyway! etc etc etc".



now, since i know stories have two sides, i'm gonna briefly explain his side and why he does have a right to be mad at me. on top of the fact that i still talk to Army Boy, Army Boy and i had just happened to be having a convo that was inappropriate to be having. but like i said in my last blog, he and i joke around about things we used to do because it's not a big deal for us to do so. either way, this convo is what the bf read so i understand why he got upset.

but! regardless, things would've been fine had he not gone through my phone. bottom line is... you either trust me enough that i'm not cheating or you don't. i'm not waiting around for you to decide you'll get over it.

and that's what i said. i'm really just so sick and tired of this situation, i'd rather not deal with it at all. i'm obviously not going to give up my friendship, i'm not going to bring them together to talk or whatever and if he is going to be insecure about it that's his deal. i really just don't want to deal with it anymore..



so now that i'm taking space for myself (not answering texts or phone calls), i just have to wait for my mind to decide 1) when i want to start speaking to the bf and 2) if i really want to bother trying.

he texted me and said he doesn't want to leave me.

but, do i care enough to work through his insecurities? i really just don't know right now..and sadly, i can feel it that if i stay mad long enough i'll just be indifferent and stop caring because i've just been mad too long...fuck. this sucks.

and i can't forget what i said when the alena situation happened...if Army Boy is ever brought up again and i'm not allowed to move on, i'm seriously done. i can't forget i said this. the past isn't necessarily being brought up, but it's the fact that i'm still having to deal with my relationship with Army Boy that's the problem.



is it really that hard to just pretend a person doesn't exist? for the good of the relationship no less....i think i could do it. why can't he?