I'm All About the Inappropriate...

except when it's like, honestly really inappropriate!

i'm inappropriate in basically all areas of my life. i don't care if people over hear what i say and i really don't care if what i'm saying is offensive or shocking or uncomfortable. if i'm having a conversation with someone i shouldn't have to censor it just because someone may take something the wrong way or someone eaves dropping comes in at the wrong time in the convo or people are just plain being nosy. do what you will because frankly i don't give a shit...

but today, at bree's graduation party i got a text from Army Boy. i didn't even know i had gotten a text until drein quickly handed me my fone and i barely had time to read it when

*inappropriate hand gesture* got shoved toward my fone and inappropriate angry words were said at my fone. of course by none other than "him". (i really need to think of another name for him) anyway...

i was shocked. really. i just stood there for a few seconds. what am i supposed to say or do to that? really unnecessary first of all and inappropriate to do in public. so i just scooted over to an old friend and ignored "him" for about 20 minutes until we finally left. of course, silent treatment all the way home. and then i got my stuff and quickly walked to my house when he starts to follow me (seriously annoying) i said, "you don't have to walk me to the door. in fact i don't want you to." then he said that he had to get some stuff out of my room to which i asked him what and he said "stuff" so i asked again and his answer was.."some pictures". umm...NO! started opening my door.. "and i left you a note in your bag but i doubt you want to read it now".. "it's fine bye" *door slam*... (mom) "geez..slam!".."well fuck him!"

that's how it went. then i got dressed, told her i was mad and was off to see Army Boy. she just kinda rolled her eyes and let me go. three cigarettes later, i still don't feel calm. i kind of just feel like my voice went away. i don't really have any thoughts in my head of value. seriously while he was sleeping i just sang "sunshine, lolipops and rainbows..." over and over in my head. now that i'm home i still don't feel like my voice is back. i feel mad but kind of like there's this sinking feeling. my skin feels kinda neutral... like living in a place that isn't too hot and isn't too cold but because it's in neither direction it's just there and you can't feel it..that prolly doesn't even make sense but that's how i feel.

i don't even know what to think anymore. i'm seriously just tempted to give him back his stuff and just not talk to him until my summer is over. if he can't even control himself when seriously nothing dramatic happened...then wtf?

and on top of that i swear this is the worst semester ive had at school in a long time. i failed a class, got a 79.7 in another but managed to pull an A in another and either an A or B in my last class. there's no in between with me. i either do really well or epically fail

i just want to unplug from everything and live in a bubble. my own bubble with animals and sparkly things and never come out. just myself and all the things i like and only xx chromosomes are allowed because frankly, the xy species aren't as much fun as animals and sparkly glitter...

One Year Anniversary

my birthday is coming soon...four more days and i will be 22. i should be excited but honestly, i'm just not.

for anyone who's known me for a while, birthdays are a big deal to me. not just my own but other people's birthdays. i have to bake a cake or try and do just a little something because it is their Special Day after all! i take birthdays seriously but when it comes to my own, i don't really like attention. id rather just be given a bunch of movies and a nice dinner or something. simple and not too much fuss...it's probably the only time in my life when i don't feel like being loud. but this year is different...

i don't want to go out to dinner. i really don't want any parties or a bunch of people. i kind of just want to crawl into a hole and hide or smoke and get lost in my stoner bubble. i don't know what it is but when i was trying to decide what to do for my birthday (not really because i want to but because my friends made a small fuss about me doing nothing) nothing really seemed appealing. going out and drinking is overrated, no one has money and i certainly don't want people to spend money they don't have so i can go out and have a nice dinner..i was just genuinely uninterested in doing anything.

i eventually decided on pizza at my house and then going to my cousin's liquor store and getting a bunch of mini bottles of alcohol so i can sneak them in my soda when i go to the theatre to watch sucker punch (for the fourth time). it may seem really lame for a 22 year old to be doing pizza and a movie but honestly, it's the only idea i had that actually made me happy. so friday will be my birthday party, saturday my dad's taking me out for lunch and sunday will be my actual birthday which i'm sure my mom will make one of my favorite dishes for dinner and that'll be that.

i am having a "special" birthday party at the end of the month though and this one is what i'm super excited for. it's a special birthday party that will involve rave inspired recreation! i know i know, kinda frowned upon but seriously, it's one of the only things i have to look forward to this month. actually, it's the only thing i've had to look forward to for a few months.

with the exception of Army Boy's present to me. he bought us tickets to go see Dita Von Teese at the roxy next tuesday which... i literally died! i've been wanting to see her for sooo many years and now that she's back in the US, i finally can. cuz he's amazing like that. it would be him, too. i didn't ask him to he just kinda did it. SQWEE!! i'm literally just gonna die!

but other than dita, my rave party and school being out, i'm really not excited about my birthday month. usually i'm so excited because it's my birthday and it's just really special but, now i'm starting to wonder if it ever will be again.

a year ago, around this time because it was about a week before my birthday, i got really sick. kind of reminds me about the beginning of the month when i had a 103 degree fever. omg deja vu! both times (few weeks ago and last year) i got sick while i was in redondo with Mr. Marine, drove home and barely made it because i was so dizzy and feverish. had terrible body ache and was sick for a few days...dang. anyway, i got sick and it's something that i will have forever. literally all my life. and this thought sucks. most of the time i don't worry about it but because it's been a year and it was so close to my birthday i've been thinking about it alot. i want to just cover myself in my blankets and never come out of my bed ever again.

i hate how i'm always sick. i never used to get sick and now it's like being sick is actually becoming my normal. i feel like my birthday week is a curse and i won't ever enjoy it again because it'll always be the anniversary of when i got sick and even if i don't have to go through my symptoms, i'll always have a time stamp for when my body got fucked up.

i have nothing to be happy for. i'm stressed, my relationships suck, my body isn't in good condition, i'm scared about moving out... i really feel like this birthday is going to suck. my last birthday sucked and i haven't really moved far relationship wise, gym wise, personal growth wise...i'm easily defeated. which sucks because i'm a person who fights for things but when it comes to myself i just feel like i can never win.

and the thought of my one year anniversary isn't making this any easier. and all anyone can tell me is "i'm sorry". not like there's anything else one can say about it but it just makes it that much worse because there really is NOTHING anyone can do

Mother's Day Talk

on mother's day my mommy and i went out for lunch at olive garden. and while she was guzzling down her margaritas we had a real heart to heart.

now, for as much as i love my mom, it's kind of awkward talking with her about my life. she's not a very open person. she's very private and kind of always says the nice thing but this time i felt like she was really trying to give me the best answer she could.

we were talking about me moving away, my relationship with the semi bf and Army Boy and why i feel like i needed to escape for a month of my summer. with all this drama and decision making and etc etc, i decided to do a month internship with my sister who is opening her own practice for therapy. i'll get to help her set up her practice which will look good on my resume and hopefully i'll learn alot. anyway...

we talked about why i feel like i need to get away. i explained that i don't feel like my own person and i hate where i live. i explained to her that being in a couple hasn't really afforded me the time to be on my own. to be my own girlfriend, in a sense. and also, the semi bf hasn't really been his own person either. ya he has his hobbies and the things he does with his friends and how he fills his time when i'm not there, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are your own person. and that's what i'm craving.


she told me that when he and i got back together that she could tell i wasn't ready. when she was talking she made it sound like she really wanted me to break up with him. not because he's a bad person or because of his actions (well ya a little because of his actions) but mainly because she can see that i want something different. the more i talked with her the more i started to feel like agreeing with her...but at the same time i have reservations.

reservations about what i want in life. i'm not necessarily the type of person to do something willy nilly..i have a plan in mind. and my plan, i think, is that i want to go off on my own, make my own mistakes, get bumped around and learn something about myself while along the way meeting my academic goals which will be the foundation for my life. hahahaha wow...that sounds way more complicated written out than it does in my head.

i want to go to santa barbara, live on my own, meet new people who are interested in the same thing im interested in, have a career and have a life free of children so i can do whatever i want and be happy. be happy be happy be happy... i don't want to have to worry about whether a friend i make is going to be perceived as a threat by a boyfriend. i'd rather not be in a relationship so i can skip all the drama that comes with being in a relationship.


it's just hard to not be in a relationship with someone who i know has the same goals as i do. a set path for a career, a life with no kids and lots of animals, same music, same recreational drugs, same friends...basically same everything. we've grown into the same things over the last five and something years and have decided to grow together for a common goal that i think this is why it's so hard to just stick to my guns and say that i don't want to be in a relationship. because it's not like i'm saying i don't still love him or that i don't think about a future with him...it's just that right now, being in a relationship isn't what i want.

when he said to me that he wouldn't want to try again if we broke up a second time, i literally died inside and it made me want to take back what i said. it's like he's just giving up instead of letting me grow on my own. i would never say that to him..

and then on the other hand i have Army Boy who would never say something like that to me. he'd say, ok teresa..do whatever it is you need to do and just be honest with me and things will be fine because i love you and want you to be happy...so why is it so scary? because he still hasn't decided what he wants to do, i'm sure he wants kids, we don't really have the same recreational activities to share in, i wouldn't really get along with any of his friends because they're all girls and i'm pretty sure they're all in love with him...it's like opposite of me. completely. but..he makes me happy and we can balance each other out when shit gets heavy. he can tolerate the bad side of me and although it's sometimes hard for me, i don't back down from his bad side.


and even so, this relationship decision isn't about a boy or having a relationship...it's about ME. it's about me finally being able to get out of the house and live my own life and find what it is that i like to do (besides tv, sleep, food, sex, drugs and scrapbooking) haha seriously i do like to scrapbook.

so why do i feel so guilty about asking to know who i am?

i need to ramble

so now i can't sleep.

i feel sad.

and just today Army Boy was telling me that he is worried about me. i mean, i can kind of see why but at the same time not really.

i mean, the whole anti-food post i'm sure wasn't helped when i told him about a certain drug i wanted to do. it's not for the skinny thing...entirely. it is just because i haven't done it in a long time and i want to remember what it feels like.

but to say i'm not doing it because i want to feel better about myself is a lie. i don't want to lie.

and it's kind of a dichotomous situation going on inside because on the one hand, i want to say that everything is ok and no matter what happens i have myself under control. that my feelings won't get the best of me, i know what i'm doing and i can maintain control over myself. and on the other hand i know that it's so much harder to do that than it is to say it and a part of me is so tired of having control..

i said that sometimes i wonder what it would be like to fly off the edge of the off-ramp..i'm not sure that's a normal thing to wonder but really think about it.. don't you want to know what it's like to feel weightless? to kind of just be in the slow moment between flying and falling? i do.

this is kind of what i feel like...

and this week in my survey of clinical psychology class we went over anorexia using the cognitive diagnostic theory. it was kind of trying, emotionally, to have to sit in class and discuss diagnostics when i've been in that situation. and then parts of my life fit together and i totally understood myself better looking back on myself in high school. why i was able to wear my hoodie and pants all the time, why my thoughts were scattered, why i always had a headache and probably why i started getting sick in the first place, why sleep became such a staple in my life...it was because i was seriously anorexic. i was cold all the time because i literally had little to no fat on me, i wasn't drinking enough, your body slowly starts to shut down so u get sick and you don't have enough energy to think let alone stay awake the whole day...got it just made so much sense and was like a slap in the face.

it's a disorder that's related to anxiety and, i'm not sure if i've posted anything about it here, but i have experienced my fair share of panic attacks. for a while i thought i had a slight case of social anxiety/chronic anxiety. i've had a full panic attack in the middle of driving which was one of the single most impacting and scariest moments of my life. there was a big chunk of my life where any social situation that i had to be around more than 1 other person i would start to freak out and panic even before i left. i would get ready and then at the last moment start crying because i was terrified to go out. sometimes i'll randomly get slight panic attacks like i did at drein's birthday or once in a while i'll have to txt the people closest to me and ask them if they're okay because i feel like something is wrong somewhere...after watching that anorexic video i just made so much sense to myself. like i joke around about these things sometimes but i totally forgot that, hey! there really is a link into how i am and things i've done/i do.

so there's that half that thinks, that was a sad time and i don't want to be there again. and then there's another part of me that feels comfort and like that's something i know how to be and it's familiar so i don't really have a problem going back there. and with the way i'm so stressed out all the time, it's likely. how likely? i don't know because i've gotten so used to eating my feelings these days..but it's a thought that pops into my head more and more everyday.

i swear it's like my mind has a million things it thinks about but if you try and ask me what's wrong or what i'm thinking, i forget everything that's bothering me. and then later, alone like this, i start to think again. and it's horrible because i feel self destructive but like being self destructive would feel so good. like i so want to be but i have to keep stopping myself...


i want to lost control over myself so badly and just sit in the aftermath...like maybe, just maybe, i would be able to purge everything that's deep down inside and i can finally feel nothing.

I Wish I Could Travel to a Far Away Land and Never Come Back

soo i kind of wish i could rewind and be in the moment right before surgery when i got shut up with drugs that relaxed me. my anesthesiologist called it a margarita then shot it into my IV and seriously in less than 5 seconds i got all warm and floaty and happy...in would give anything to feel that again

the past week there has been major miscommunication going on both with myself and with the bf..

i say bf because apparently to him, we weren't broken up.

*sigh* this is what i dealt with tonight. we had just finished smoking and having a stoner night when he asks for clarification. i'm pretty sure i mentioned him and his use of the word "my" when it comes to me. this made me kind of uneasy because i thought i had made it clear i didn't want to be in a serious relationship and we were going to work on building a foundation and try and be friends again.

i guess to him this meant that we were going to be more individualistic during the week but that at the end of the day or the end of our week, we would be coming back together to be with one another. so that's why he's been saying and acting the way he has been...because to him we weren't broken up. we were just having more time to ourselves.

so now it seems i've found myself in another pickle... i've done stuff with Army Boy. so technically i cheated?..

the bf said that he is fine with having things be "casual" as long as it means he has a sense of security and fidelity. i said that's just like being in a relationship and i don't want that. so he said that if we break up again then he's not even going to consider going out with me again. granted, i'm not into being the type of couple that constantly breaks up and gets back together, i never thought that he would say something like that. i swear to god, if tears were like a point system, the more tears you're able to shed for a person the more it's in their favor that they can make you feel something..this wouldn't be a hard thing.

i told him that i'm not sure what i want out of our relationship. or even if i want to be in one with him. some days i know and other days i don't...i said "i don't know what i'm doing". and it's true. i don't. god i feel so...wrong inside. because i know what he said about me is true, because i want to basically have my own cake and eat it too, and i can't. it's wrong and it shouldn't be that way.

i tried to say that because i'm fickle and can't decide what i want, i shouldn't have him on "hold" and i wasn't going to ask that of him. but then he said if we're done done then he wouldn't even consider trying again...i dont' understand because i wouldn't say something like this so ya i started crying because it's a sad thing to hear.

so we left it in limbo for now. he said he didn't want to discuss semantics for a few weeks. at least until school is over so it's dealing with one stressor at a time. he didn't want to say yes or no to breaking up right now..he wants to give me time to think about it. for now we keep things in like real friend mode without any sort of physical closeness more than i would do with, say, Mr. Marine.

and i'm sure ur thinking, ya but u originally said a serious relationship wasn't for you and if for you it was a break up, why does it change anything?

and honestly, i really don't know. i don't know why i got upset or why i had tears streaming down my face. i just did. if nothing would change then why am i so dramatic?

the answer i have is...because it just matters. i feel bad that i'm so hot and cold and that i put people through crap. one day it seems necessary and another day it doesn't. i don't like being that person.

and now, i have to tell Army Boy that apparently i wasn't broken up so technically i kind of just cheated.

drein was right...sex ruins everything.