Wa-Wa Washington pt.2

so a day or two after my convo i went to the beach for the weekend with my sister and the kids... i had no energy to do anything and one of the days i basically didn't say anything at all. this has to do with my sister as well, unfortunately. she's a bigger bitch than i can be at times. i cook dinner and she gets mad that i didn't use the pan she would've used, i get stuff out of the car but locked it and she forgot something from it, everything she says is condescending and she acts like i'm a retarded kid. she expects me to act like she did at my age...but by this age she was married, divorced and stuck in a different state fending for herself because my parents refused to help her. um...i'm not stupid enough to follow a military guy across the US in my early twenties. so of course i'm not going to act how she wants me to act....i've looked at changing flights twice so i can come home early. the stress from the phone call and my sisters bitchy attitude have been too much for me to handle.

two nights ago i called drein sobbing and hyperventilating... i really couldn't handle it here anymore. i'm alone. i have no interest in sight seeing because i'm by myself and i really don't feel like going anywhere with my sister, my sisters attitude sucks...if i were home and sulking i could deal better because i could always go see drein or go someplace i know and just relax but here, there's nothing really to do. none of my plans have worked out so far which seems to be the story of my life...i'm just over it. and for a day or two (altho i didn't tell Army Boy) i really didn't want him to text me. i really do miss him and cant wait to see him but while i was at the beach i was so unhappy i didn't even want him to tell me that he missed me or loved me. i felt like affection was just too much to handle. i didn't really reciprocate but i didn't want to go all bipolar on him.

which brings me to my next point...as much as i want to be with him, i don't want to supplement my feelings of loss with feelings of something new. because i'm really good at ignoring my feelings if i have something else to pay attention to and i don't feel like that's fair to him because, more than likely, it'll bite me in the ass. so i think (and i'm saying it alot) that if i do therapy that this will help me. and i'm saying it alot because it makes me feel more like i should go. i'm always saying that i need to fix myself, deal with my shit...but what shit do i have to deal with?

well obviously i have to deal with Mr. Big and all those issues.
i have to deal with resentment over what my brother did.
i have to deal with anxiety...my not sleeping, me always wanting to smoke, self destructive feelings, food worries (when i work out).
i have to deal with my general DGAF attitude. Army Boy has pointed it out to me that i have that general attitude alot and, really, i don't see it. i just think, if i don't wanna i don't wanna but i seriously can't think of specific instances where that would be a prob but i guess i do say dgaf alot which means that i prolly do have that attitude about alot of things

i think thats it.

once ive started to deal with these things, i think then i'll be ready to fully put my emotional self in the relationship without feeling guilty or something. cuz i was a bit buzzed the other night and while i meant wat i said, i also think it was premature. i told him that i wanted to be officially his. i meant it. i just think that i'd be so emotionally not ready to or if i tried to be, something would go wrong and that's not fair. i told him that i didn't want him to have to deal with my shit because that's not right to ask especially if we're supposed to be starting over together.

i like that thought tho...him and i being together and it'll be new. any shit he and i went through won't be a thought because it wont matter to him or me. we'll be together and that's what we both want.