Human Push Broom

that's what i am. i just push people away and i push my feelings down. obviously it isn't working so well...the feelings part anyway. pushing people away though, still perfect.

took a shower last night and tried not to cry.
woke up this morning...same thing.

all day at work it was basically all i thought about. i hate having feelings because they're usually not wrong and that's the part i hate the most. i wish i could be wrong. but i know i'm not. so what to do?

first i need to figure out how much of the freak out is necessary.
then i need to figure out how much of it is me and how much of it is (other).
thirdly i need to deal with it. and i want to deal with it all at once. like a bandaid. that shit hurts if you're a bitch about it so i needa be a bamf and just rip it off all at once.

that's the hard part. confrontation. i'm good at it when i'm angry but basically any other time it's not my favorite. i'm good at it when i need to be but i'm not sure how it'll work this time.

i feel like the more i think about it the more i'm just making myself crazy. crazy. crazy. i feel fucking crazy!!! i'm not this person and i don't want to be this person but FUCK...that's what this is turning me into and if it won't change, or if i can't be convinced otherwise then it won't work. which is sad because i want this to work really badly. but make no mistake that i will drop this situation like a hot tamale because i don't deal with bullshit and especially after what i've been going through with the relationship crap, i definitely won't stand around unless it's 100 percent secure.

which is exactly what i don't feel right now. i feel like i'm on a fucking cliff. i felt like it was there and then i went looking for it even though it's smarter not to look for the edge and now i'm too scared to move off it....

fuck.

i feel like Ursula took my voice and put it in her shell necklace to keep forever and ever

i don't feel like myself.


the day before yesterday, Army Boy had spent the night and when he left in the morning he forgot his fone. Mr. Big text me asking if he could come over for a bit which was fine. i wasn't exactly in the mood for company seeing as i hadn't slept and was moody but we're trying to work out the semantics of our relationship/friendship/watever you want to call it so i bit the bullet and let him come over.

Army Boy IM'd me and said he's coming over anyway to get his fone. awesome. now i have to figure out how to make Mr. Big not encounter Army Boy because that's just awkward and wasn't something i wanted to deal with. it would have worked too except that apparently Army Boy wasn't being very incognito and was, according to Mr. Big "mad dogging" Mr. Big so Mr Big comes back into my house to point it out to me....i have to go over to Army Boy's car and give him his fone right in front of Mr. Big. awesome. just wat i wanted to do. so Mr. Big takes off and that's that. i didn't bother going out to lunch with him because if i wasn't in the mood to talk i'm sure he wasn't either.

anyway, now things are just a little weird between me and Mr. Big and idk quite what i'm doing to Army Boy but it's definitely a distance thing. i got kind of buzzed last night and when i get liquored up i get really gabby and just can talk talk talk. so of course that's when i do alot of texting because, one it's fun and two, it's kind of the excuse i need to talk about things i can't normally talk about.

so i ask Army Boy if we can finish our convo about "being official/unofficial". i'm an official type of person but i'm sure i'm not alone in saying that girls like to be asked out and don't want things to be assumed that they're someone's girlfriend. i want to be asked. it may be trivial and somewhat high school-ish but i don't give a fuck. i don't want to go on assuming things. anyway, even though i want to be asked, i don't want to be asked right now. we may be doing bf/gf things and acting like we're dating but i don't want the title. it takes it to a different level and i don't think i'm ready for that yet. i'm not seeing anybody else or have any interest in seeing anyone else but i still don't want to walk around with the title of girlfriend yet. it's really official and it takes the relationship to a more serious level. regardless if i act that way i don't think i'm ready for the title.


among other important reasons which i'm sure i'll discuss with my therapist (i got a therapist on tuesday btw), the most important is that i just got out of a relationship and i don't want to get into another official relationship too soon. i know i'm not totally ready to do that and to prevent fucking things up i'd rather keep it fluid and unofficial for now. seems like there's less to screw up that way.

as for the therapist thing, that happened on tuesday. i had been really moody a few days before and started closing myself off from people, especially Army Boy. the appointment went fine. pretty standard. taking background info on me, my health, my family, my relationship with family members, my love relationships and the stats on that and then that was that. the only problem is that i'm on my dad's insurance and for billing purposes they needed his address and social security number. obviously i don't have those stashed away with me so i had to call him for them. didn't want him to know so i've been avoiding him since that fone call. not something i want to deal with but i'm obviously going to downplay it as much as possible. i know what he's thinking. i've seen a therapist before because i was depressed and cutting so he probably thinks i'm back there again. which i'm not but i am but not to the extent which i'm sure he thinks im at.

but really, i don't know what's going on with me. i've never felt less like myself before. i'm insecure and needy and paranoid and have negative thoughts and feelings all the time....it's kind of hard to feel that way with Army Boy around me basically 24/7. you think it would help but it kind of makes it worse in a way because i'm not someone who talks about things easily so he can tell when somethings wrong and it sort of just emphasizes whatever is going on in my head.

honestly, i want it to be tuesday. i have a running appointment with the therapist for noon every tuesday. i want to go and just have word vomit. there's obviously stuff i'm not saying on here but with my dr it was so easy to just keep talking and talking. i'm sure part of it is that i willing chose to go to her but there i have no reservations about what i'm saying. i felt kind of sad leaving because i don't want to be back in a place where i need therapy but i guess it can only do good things for me and my relationships. and especially since i want to be a therapist it's good to know what it's like on the other side.

i wish i could just stay in a glitter la-la land. that would be nice.

can't sleep.

i can't sleep.
i can't sleep.
i cannot sleep.
i want to sleep.
and i can't.

i'm just having a total disconnect with human interaction. yesterday it was way awkward with Mr. Big and today it totally just fell apart while i was with Army Boy.

opening up is something that's hard for me to do so i'd rather not than subject myself to be seen. and it's way easier to be honest and forthcoming with innermosts when there's distance to absorb the uneasiness. and this is such a problem because i'm forthcoming to a fault with Army Boy and the farther away i am the more i'll say. this is good but the bad side is that when we're together and something is clearly wrong with me i won't say a thing. and i know it's all over my face. i'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore.

and honestly, when i say "nothing" it's because i mean it. what's wrong...? "nothing". nothing i feel like talking about right now. and just because i say nothing doesn't necessarily mean i won't ever say anything...it just means that at that moment nothing is wrong because i don't feel like talking about it. or talking at all.

which is why i haven't been blogging as of late i suppose. there's a lot going on and i really don't feel like talking about it but i can definitely feel an attitude change. i came home and started smoking and sleeping in late and trying to deal with stuff that i left behind for a month and it's not fun. facing shit isn't fun and i really wish there was a "no" button for life's situations and then you wouldn't have to deal with hard things. they would just magically be solved for better or worse and that's that. the end.

i wish.

so after that rant i'm trying to tie it into the beginning. i can't sleep. and i really can't place why i can't sleep. maybe i can but i really don't want to talk about it....

maybe that's the problem?