Five Foto Friday

now i know this is supposed to be a Five Foto Friday.. but, i'm going to deviate a little bit. my niece was born today! at 2:34 Friday the 20th of August 2010! so.. this is the only photo that matters

Flashback

So all this talk about change and decisions, thinking and analyzing and worrying..
will the answers come or not?
are the choices right?
is it the right direction?
etc...

it seems that other obstacles happen along and things become more complicated. a bunch of separate complications mixed with the main situation becoming more complicated.. shit.

when will it end?

lately i not only have been thinking about the aforementioned questions but i've also just been mulling over aspects of myself which i'm having a hard time coming to terms with. now, as cliche as it sounds and i myself am quite tired of hearing about it, i've come across a situation this week that made me think about how, although i've changed, i still battle with self image issues. Seven years is a long time to deal with them and they never really leave you. it's not a constant battle anymore but i feel like it comes in waves now. Really. Big. Waves.


let me rewind a little bit.. i got into a fight with Mr. Marine because i think he is in an unhealthy friendship. i think this because this girl is going through similar life issues that i went through, she's my age, and she still hasn't dealt with her issues. she's using him as a crutch and he's letting himself feel obligated to help her but in reality he's hurting her. long story short i say choose the tough love route because in the long run it will help her.

but in thinking about her i've thought about the issues i dealt with and i'm thankful that i was able to pull myself through it. even if it did take me seven years. but now i feel like the waves came rushing back and i'm not liking this feeling.

i keep going over who i was when i started falling apart. the events in my life that lead to future decisions. how i dealt with my pain. i dont regret one second. not one. i don't believe in regretting life, either good or bad, because it made you who you are right now. and if you don't like who you are you can always change that. but then when i feel and think those same things that i did back then, how much have i Really changed? i believe i have grown and learned and am nowhere near that person i was. but deep down i know she's still there. i hear her talking and i hear her thinking and i feel exactly what it feels like to be unhappy through her feelings. she brings me down sometimes and right now she is holding me down..

but in reality, she is me. we are one in the same. i can never escape who i was. but it's always a scary thought to know that she's there...

Five Foto Friday

Put On Your Face

i recently joined another website for networking, of sorts, and i filled out my info and all the usual stuff, except i actually had a mental block while i was doing this. i kno what you're saying, "how can you have a mental block just filling out the normal info about yourself?" well..

i was stuck on the nickname portion. what appears above your picture.

now of course you can put your real name but, i didn't want to. so i sat there and stared at my screen. kept staring. staring staring staring.. why was this so hard? i thought of a name for my blog, the name that appears here, my email, the name that appears on weheartit.com, my rave name.. none of these names fit the site i was joining. and then it hit me..

i dont have a nickname for this aspect of myself. i'm reinventing myself, this site is something totally new for me. of course i dont have a name! each name i have for watever site or group i belong to is significant only to that site/group! duh! so then came the hard part.. if i don't know this side of me yet, how can i make a name?

eventually i thought of something that was fitting enough and of course it can always change later. but for now, it's fitting. it gave me a little spark of happiness though. delving into this new side of me is exciting, scary, still more exciting, in need of research of sorts.. but i took the first step!

*high five*

Nightlight please

think for a moment of a time in your life when you were undoubtedly sure that events, people, places, thoughts, actions and feelings in your life were perfect. not necessarily what was going on or what was being said, but that this specific moment in and of itself was resonating with you because it's exactly how it's supposed to be.

a first kiss?
a reunion?
a laugh?
a silent moment?
a comforting hug?
even a fight can be perfect..

in this moment did you feel like you were capable of strength within yourself? that you could do whatever your heart desired because it felt possible? undoubtedly you were sharing this moment with someone, or someones.

lately i've been alone during the day. just me. and i've come to realize that i'm not made to do this on a daily basis. i'm made to nurture and mother and do things for and share myself.. with another person. i haven't been able to do this. i'm a physical person who needs to hug or be next to someone. maybe not all the time. but certainly not meant to never do it either. i'm staying in bed longer. staying up later. essentially wasting my day because that way i have less time to be alone. i have more time to sleep where everything is like the moment you just thought of.

i can't remember the last time that i was fearless.. and truly it's a scary feeling

At What Point...?

At what point do you say, this isn't working anymore?

Yesterday I spent the day with the ex because i went to a funeral and my family is close with him so of course he came with me. After the whole day event we went back to his house and did errands, watched a movie and by that time it was 10pm. I don't know how it started but we were talking about whether or not this break up was working, i mean, we've been seeing each other at least once a week. Ultimately we came to the conclusion that, no, this isn't working. We need to revamp.


Our conversation was about 4 hrs long. It was like we were best friends again, despite our awkward turtle of a situation, we really just talked no matter how much what we said may have hurt the other. we actually were able to laugh about sum stuff even though i couldn't see for the life of me.

He knows that i have feelings for Army Boy now. he suspected as much but chalked it up to being paranoid. needless to say he wasn't too thrilled about us not talking, for real this time, but moreso now than ever. we talked about what he thought he was doing and what he was actually doing were two different things and he felt like he messed up. and how we could be such amazing friends, even now, and our relationship be so disconnected.

We both feel the same way.. that some days we just want to be apart from one another and end everything and other days it's the total opposite. and because of this we decided it'd be best to end all contact unless it pertains to the dog. us talking and seeing each other in social settings was just making things more confusing and harder to deal with. so, we are now officially done done.

Now i just have to decide when i'll be done walking down the middle and actually choose a direction...



So at what point do we decide that enough is enough, we've tried our best and despite how well aspects are by themselves, put together they just dont work and we need to move on?

Five Foto Friday

Think About Your Troubles

so this song, although sad in a way, always seems to lift my spirits a bit. It will be this song and Frank Sinatra's New York New York that i want to be dancing to with my dad at my wedding..
(and if you haven't seen this movie you should. It's OBLIO AND THE LAND OF POINT)

Sit beside the breakfast table.
Think about your troubles.
Pour yourself a cup of tea,
And think about the bubbles.
You can take your teardrops and drop 'em in a teacup.
Take em down to the riverside,
And throw em over the east side
To be swept up by a current
And taken to the ocean
To be eaten by some fishes,
Who were eaten by some fishes
And swallowed by a whale,
Who grew so old,
He decomposed.
He died and left his body
To the bottom of the ocean.
Now everybody knows that when a body decomposes
The basic elements are given back to the ocean,
Then sea does what it oughta:
Consume the salty water (not too good for drinkin'),
'Cause it tastes just like a teardrop (so you run it through a filter),
And it comes out of the faucet (when it pours into the teapot),
Which is just about to bubble.
Now think about your troubles.
Now,are you sleeping?
Can you hear me now?