Oh Bestie...You Make Me Think

the bestie posed a question the other day to me which has taken me several days to ponder over (including my day trip to santa barbara with Army Boy). what did she ask??...well...

how are things between you and Army Boy? like, how do you act?

hahaha at first i laughed about it cuz, really...what else am i supposed to say? so i answered in the usual "brush-it-off" manner. not too much detail. but then i went home and kind of randomly pondered over it. and pondered

"oh think think think" as Winnie the Pooh would say

so i was drawn back to my trip to santa barbara. i went to look at the school i'm applying for for my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. the bf was at school and drein was busy so of course i asked Army Boy if he'd like to come with me.

"i figured it'd be nice because we never got to take our trip there while you were on leave". this, folks, was my statement. talk about old memories.

long story short, when he was home on leave in july we wanted to go to santa barbara for a few days to be alone and have fun. my mom ended up leaving for a week so we vacationed at my house instead. anyway...it was only an hour long info sesh i needed to attend and i figured we would putter around downtown SB and eat or something. a nice evening. we in fact didn't do that. we drove up there, walked around for a bathroom, i went to my meeting then we drove home and got pizza hut when we arrived. we ate the whole dang box we were so starving! sooo, you're wondering where the point is...

the ride to santa barbara.

the ride to santa barbara was seriously the moment you know you wish you could experience for real..the moment when you wish you could've walked through door number 3 instead of whichever door you picked instead. i got to taste the "what if" moment. it was just like i thought it would be. Army Boy pointed out to me the hotel he wanted to take me to. on the seaside. kinda run down outside but i guess it's really nice inside. nothing to the sides of it...just endless ocean and sundown facing it. it was gorgeous for the pure fact that i felt so happy. a little strip of highway, my head on his shoulder and blink-182 on the ipod. Perfection. Absolute Perfection. i was so quiet inside because i knew that's how it would've been had we gone down there in july. we would've had fun, been happy and i would've felt what i felt on that drive. i loved it.


so take that feeling there, bring it full circle to the question..and here's my honest answer.

we ignore it. and by "it" i mean, what we really feel. we make it seem so trifle in fact that all there's left to do is poke fun at ourselves. we point out awkward moments and laugh at them, knowing, at least from my perspective, that i'd like to act on the moment. i'd like to act on the feelings. i'd like to be able to say "you know you miss me" and then have it followed by some grandiose gesture instead of a small little hug that feels so fleeting...

we openly talk about things we used to do. how we used be. we eat "our foods", drink "our drinks", listen to "our band", put our hand in the others lap while driving..and stay kinda quiet. on my end, at least, it's because it's the closest i can feel to a fraction of what he made me feel. even though we talk about our sexual intimacies and sometimes act the roles of it, all we can do is laugh about it because to truly say how i miss the way he made me feel is too hard. and taking steps back is too hard...

for example, we were watching a documentary on Fetishes and i just kept thinking "how that girl feels after her session; relieved, at peace, whole, content, euphoric, happy... that's how he used to make me feel". my heart ached then, but of course i couldn't say anything. then the next day we watched Paper Heart and apparently i had my "thinking face" on and not my "usual movie watching face"..he kept trying to pry my thoughts out of me. i swear i didn't realize i was thinking deeply, but i was. and honestly, i don't know what i was thinking. sounds dumb but i don't think i was thinking. i was feeling...it's a love story and i just "felt" throughout the whole darn thing. and of course, i felt for him...


it sucks, blatantly talking about "us" and not being able to do anything about it.

but, i think on my end, i like the pain of going back. in my own masochistic way, having a small taste on that drive of the way things were feels so good, because it hurts so deliciously.

admit it... you have a guilty pleasure too

Dear Phil...

I don't know you very well. I know that you are:

attractive but only because you look like you are girly
used to be 100lbs over weight
like to sleep around with as many conquests as possible
pretend to be richer than you are
are a friend of my friend
look nice in a suit
have really straight teeth
can't stop drinking once you start
like to smoke out
like to smoke cigs
are polite
and randomly message me just for small chat...

but what i don't know is how you can say to me "you take too much care of others and not enough care of yourself".

how do u get that off of meeting me once? am i that obvious? and what's more, that makes me really sad that someone i know superficially can pick that up just because i seem to be having a slight panic attack. a panic attack that was unwarranted and completely took me by surprise.

i'm falling apart physically. mentally and emotionally i thought i was doing pretty well but apparently not if a stranger can pick up my vibes that are resonating out of me...

he saw right through me.

Sometimes the Best Memories are Sad Because You Know They Will Never Happen Again...

i've come to a few conclusions about myself...

first and foremost...the reason i'm still having feelings and thoughts about Army Boy is because deep down, i really want to know that i'm not easily replaceable. i want to know that what we had really matters even though we aren't together. all the struggles i went through last year and drama i dealt with weren't experienced in vain. i guess i still want to know he loves me. truly loved and loves me like i loved and love him.

next is the situation with my brother. my dad still thinks i should take the high road and forgive him and his girlfriend. to this i say..."once they can come to me like adults and wholeheartedly admit their actions were wrong, only then will i say i forgive them". then i went home and discussed the situation with my sister to get an outside perspective on the situation. she sees both sides but doesn't deny my actions are justified and healthy. i'm not holding grudges. i'm dealing with the important things in my life like school and my internship. so i kept thinking about it, and talking it over with myself and discovered... even if my brother did realize he wronged me and decided to make it right... i would say that i forgave him but i probably wouldn't mean it inside. i will always be hurt that he put his girlfriend and the bf above me even though i'm his sister. i will probably never get over the betrayal. and i know for certain i will always hate alena for what she did. always. so i filled my sister in on what alena is doing (in short she's basically trying to alienate my brother by telling certain people not to talk to him directly and all contact has to go through her instead and acting rude to those of us who he hangs around with by making it clear she doesn't want us around). sounds like what us girls are warned to watch out for in an abusive relationship right? right. so anyway, it's sad but i'm not sure my brother will ever see what he did to me and even if he does apologize, i won't ever feel the same about him again..

and lastly is the bf and his ability to still talk to people who have wronged me. i'm not going to tell him to stop talking to my brother because i know they are good friends (they hung out alot even before my breakup). but that doesn't diminish that he acts like it never happened. this bothers me to no end and a part of me thinks, "he knows how much i was hurt so why doesn't he stand up and demand an apology or a gesture of remorse on my part?"

also, the bf talks to our friend Paramo and it's the same situation as with my brother. he hangs out with this person and even though we have been friends for somewhere around 5 or almost 6 years, i probably won't ever be able to hang out with him again, either. this is because (in short) i have a big girl crush on his gf, she knows this and she kissed me multiple times even though she knows he doesn't like this. i went to see her at her dorm and..keep in mind we were trashed... she kissed me knowing full well how i felt. then a huge argument happened between her and her roommate and the ending was me basically being blamed for the whole situation. her bf wanted her to make it clear to me that this would never happen again and i haven't heard from her since.
i basically became the scapegoat and she hid behind the "im not like that" excuse.

so i lost two good friends and a brother and the bf goes about hanging out with them like nothing happened even though in both situations i was wronged...this bothers me and i finally said something. not that anything can really be done about it but at least i said it

and these are the realizations i made today... (on top of getting a 15 percent on an intro i wrote for a paper) this doesn't exactly make me the happiest person in the world. so what is the solution?

go be in a bad mood with Army Boy because we both cheer the other one up. ya..i know i know but.. i love him in every sense of the word and friends make friends happy.

Unanswered

let me be clear right off the bat...this post might be explicit in the sense that it will contain sexually related material. pictures? NO. but details, quite possibly. so with that...

I'm going crazy!! i think it's my birth control, or rather, my new birth control. i was originally put on BC in 2007 because of my cysts and the pain they caused. of course the added benefit is that it prevents me from getting pregnant. that was four years ago in january and i requested a new brand because my old brand wasn't helping my pain. so this new pill, which i've been on for about 5-6 weeks, is making me feel unlike my normal self. my mood is horrible. i'm cranky, bitchy, tired and quite frankly everyone on the planet is making me annoyed. the one exception to this is *drumroll* Army Boy. of course. he seems to be the exception to everything in my life.


so even though i know my mood is due to a hormonal imbalance, i still couldn't help myself from thinking, "why him?" and having nostalgic feelings for the relationship we had. i think to myself...

"i had the chance to end things and start again with him. i obviously get hung up on him talking to other girls and having an intimate relationship with them. he's always there when i need him to be. and not necessarily because i ask him to be but, he genuinely cares for me and only wants me to be open and honest about my life. he takes care of me. he gets concerned about me even though i'm not necessarily his to worry over. sure i don't take priority in his life anymore but he knows me so well that he knows what's going on just in the way i may sigh or have a glance at something. so why then did i not choose him?"


and seriously this has been bothering me for a while now. things are going good in my relationship right now except for some medical things which affect my mood and make me a less than perfect girlfriend. why did i not choose him? and then i remember why and it all comes down to how different my relationship could be were i to be with Army Boy. and maybe i didn't give him the benefit of the doubt but it's in the way he differs from the bf. the difference is, gentleness.

Army Boy is ridiculously kind when he wants to be. i can see right through his asshole-ish act. even when he's being an ass its hard to stay mad at him. he's extremely dominant and this is where the difference lies. the bf isn't necessarily dominant in an exuberant way. he's very serious but in a toned down manner. alot of the time i can't take him seriously because my personality is more dominant than his. Army Boy is dominant and sort of instills a fear in me that's exciting. but this difference is important because the opposite isn't necessarily submissive but it's gentle and passionate.


if you haven't gathered from the subtle hints by now, i'm talking sexually. there are just certain things i'm into and i need a dominant personality to satisfy me. the bf isn't dominant in the way i'd like him to be and Army Boy isn't gentle in the way id like him to be. and maybe i didn't give either of them a chance to be a complete package? maybe i'm expecting too much? maybe i'm not giving enough? i don't know. but my nostalgic feelings are taking precedence over other things in my life and i can't help but think...

i really missed him when we stopped spending alot of time together.
blink-182 is our band and i hear them everywhere right now.
i remember the feelings i had when our relationship was brand new and those feelings are addicting.
i hate that he has probably slept with a girl or girls since we've been apart.
i don't want him out of my life.
did i not give him the benefit of the doubt about his capabilities?

but then another part of me thinks...

if he can't be gentle, i don't think i would emotionally be able to have dominant sex all the time.
do i want to risk ending my relationship with the bf?
my feelings regarding other girls would always be uneasy and idk if i wanna deal with that.

basically, my hormones are throwing my thoughts and feelings into whack and my many questions seem like they're always going to be unanswered. things aren't horrible with the bf but it's saddens me to go through my day having flashbacks to when i was truly happy. and i can't decipher if i'm not giving my current relationship a chance or if i really passed up something great.

Quick Thought

i'm sleepy but felt this needed to get off my chest.

two small things:

1) my medical problems keep getting more complicated. i should be scheduled for (minor) surgery the beginning of april. the doctor is going in to see about my ovarian cysts and check for possible endometriosis. my pain is getting worse and i'm desperately trying to get my hands on any pain meds i possibly can even though they don't work as they should. i'm scared but honestly, i'm kind of hoping she finds something, even if it is bad news, because then i'll know what's wrong with me and could possibly be treated properly. and if it is endometriosis then it could explain why my immune system is horrible, why my digestive system is always out of whack, possibly why i'm always tired and probably lots of other things. the bad news, well, the more bad news is that if it ends up i do have this (on top of my polycystic ovarian syndrome) then the likelyhood of infertility is highly likely. i've kind of decided i didn't want kids just because my body is so messed up, but having that choice taken away from me rather than me deciding on my own sucks because deep down i would love to have a little boy. i just wish i could find out what was wrong so i could stop being in pain all the time...

2) i am kind of starting to miss my brother. only slightly and only today. i wanted to go to a concert and i would've asked my brother to go but, we aren't talking. i would go to another rave but i don't want to see him even though he's a cool big brother and we had a lot of fun. small things like this are what make me miss him, but then i think of how badly he treated me. and not just because of what happened because of alena and her stupid meddling. i mean other times like him offering to buy the bf a ticket to something but not me, him getting me a dumb stuffed doll for xmas when i bought him a $75+ outfit and he bought the bf something really expensive. it just shows how he never took the time to actually think about me. and that sucks too

ok, i just needed to get those off my chest. i'm sleepy and my medication is kicking in. thanks for listening. good night

i just wish everything could be okay.