the day before yesterday, Army Boy had spent the night and when he left in the morning he forgot his fone. Mr. Big text me asking if he could come over for a bit which was fine. i wasn't exactly in the mood for company seeing as i hadn't slept and was moody but we're trying to work out the semantics of our relationship/friendship/watever you want to call it so i bit the bullet and let him come over.
Army Boy IM'd me and said he's coming over anyway to get his fone. awesome. now i have to figure out how to make Mr. Big not encounter Army Boy because that's just awkward and wasn't something i wanted to deal with. it would have worked too except that apparently Army Boy wasn't being very incognito and was, according to Mr. Big "mad dogging" Mr. Big so Mr Big comes back into my house to point it out to me....i have to go over to Army Boy's car and give him his fone right in front of Mr. Big. awesome. just wat i wanted to do. so Mr. Big takes off and that's that. i didn't bother going out to lunch with him because if i wasn't in the mood to talk i'm sure he wasn't either.
anyway, now things are just a little weird between me and Mr. Big and idk quite what i'm doing to Army Boy but it's definitely a distance thing. i got kind of buzzed last night and when i get liquored up i get really gabby and just can talk talk talk. so of course that's when i do alot of texting because, one it's fun and two, it's kind of the excuse i need to talk about things i can't normally talk about.
so i ask Army Boy if we can finish our convo about "being official/unofficial". i'm an official type of person but i'm sure i'm not alone in saying that girls like to be asked out and don't want things to be assumed that they're someone's girlfriend. i want to be asked. it may be trivial and somewhat high school-ish but i don't give a fuck. i don't want to go on assuming things. anyway, even though i want to be asked, i don't want to be asked right now. we may be doing bf/gf things and acting like we're dating but i don't want the title. it takes it to a different level and i don't think i'm ready for that yet. i'm not seeing anybody else or have any interest in seeing anyone else but i still don't want to walk around with the title of girlfriend yet. it's really official and it takes the relationship to a more serious level. regardless if i act that way i don't think i'm ready for the title.
among other important reasons which i'm sure i'll discuss with my therapist (i got a therapist on tuesday btw), the most important is that i just got out of a relationship and i don't want to get into another official relationship too soon. i know i'm not totally ready to do that and to prevent fucking things up i'd rather keep it fluid and unofficial for now. seems like there's less to screw up that way.
as for the therapist thing, that happened on tuesday. i had been really moody a few days before and started closing myself off from people, especially Army Boy. the appointment went fine. pretty standard. taking background info on me, my health, my family, my relationship with family members, my love relationships and the stats on that and then that was that. the only problem is that i'm on my dad's insurance and for billing purposes they needed his address and social security number. obviously i don't have those stashed away with me so i had to call him for them. didn't want him to know so i've been avoiding him since that fone call. not something i want to deal with but i'm obviously going to downplay it as much as possible. i know what he's thinking. i've seen a therapist before because i was depressed and cutting so he probably thinks i'm back there again. which i'm not but i am but not to the extent which i'm sure he thinks im at.
but really, i don't know what's going on with me. i've never felt less like myself before. i'm insecure and needy and paranoid and have negative thoughts and feelings all the time....it's kind of hard to feel that way with Army Boy around me basically 24/7. you think it would help but it kind of makes it worse in a way because i'm not someone who talks about things easily so he can tell when somethings wrong and it sort of just emphasizes whatever is going on in my head.
honestly, i want it to be tuesday. i have a running appointment with the therapist for noon every tuesday. i want to go and just have word vomit. there's obviously stuff i'm not saying on here but with my dr it was so easy to just keep talking and talking. i'm sure part of it is that i willing chose to go to her but there i have no reservations about what i'm saying. i felt kind of sad leaving because i don't want to be back in a place where i need therapy but i guess it can only do good things for me and my relationships. and especially since i want to be a therapist it's good to know what it's like on the other side.
i wish i could just stay in a glitter la-la land. that would be nice.
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