i spend too much time inside my own head and everything i think never ends up good for me. i sabotage myself and my relationships because i over analyze everything. and i'm sure it's easy to think, "well ya dumbass, if you know you do it then why don't you just stop?" well good question!! the answer is...because i don't fucking know how!!
basically, i feel almost certain that i'm going to fuck up my relationship. and by fuck up i mean, ruin it before it's had a chance to start. i'm thoroughly convinced i will make it crash and burn (not sure if i said it yet BUT! Army Boy and i are actually officially each others significant other now. like bf gf) anyway, the night it happened was so dramatic. said i felt like he was going to cheat and i wouldn't be enough and all of these other dramatic things....and of course he said all the perfect things to me. which is good. except when it's not. like now
i got over it fairly quickly. obviously. because rationally my brain knows that he wouldn't do that because 1) it was done to him and 2) why would he waste so much time sticking around through all my drama the past year if he didn't really care? oh and 3) because what kind of guy says you can go through his stuff if you don't believe him? NO GUY! that's right. so that made me feel better.
until the other day. i'm not quite sure what happened but everything just felt wrong again. i don't trust him. and the thing is, logically, i know i have no reason not to trust him... ok so maybe i need to explain my thought process for this to make sense...i feel like he compartmentalizes the people in his life.
which is something i do and it's something that i do well
but...
i feel like i'm so ready to introduce him to my best friends...
my mom already does cute things like make food and always sets some aside for him..
we've basically been together on and off since he's been home,
that he's integrated into my life.
but how much am i in his?
there's still so much i don't know about him,
his friends,
other various personal things he doesn't talk about,
or a side of him i don't see often.
i feel like i become this needy person which isn't me at all.
i start feeling not good enough,
not pretty enough,
not thin enough...
i just feel like i'm not enough.
then i start thinking and comparing...
which is bad and i shouldn't do it but,
after 6 years of things being one way, you get used to it.
and i have to remember he is a different person.
he shows things differently.
he does things differently.
but then i worry that something isn't right....
and i think i figured it out that,
when we first got together,
more than things being new and us totally being mushy for the other,
there was an element he brought to our relationship,
and this element isn't something i'm getting currently.
so i think that it makes me feel less special.
like...
what makes me so different than any of the other girls he talks to?
maybe i'm not different.
maybe he's doing and saying things with them that he does with me.
maybe because i'm in the same state is the only difference.
maybe he hasn't told his "friends" we're together.
maybe he's not ready for me to be in his life as much as he is into mine.
or at least as much as i want him to be in mine.
which is something i do and it's something that i do well
but...
i feel like i'm so ready to introduce him to my best friends...
my mom already does cute things like make food and always sets some aside for him..
we've basically been together on and off since he's been home,
that he's integrated into my life.
but how much am i in his?
there's still so much i don't know about him,
his friends,
other various personal things he doesn't talk about,
or a side of him i don't see often.
i feel like i become this needy person which isn't me at all.
i start feeling not good enough,
not pretty enough,
not thin enough...
i just feel like i'm not enough.
then i start thinking and comparing...
which is bad and i shouldn't do it but,
after 6 years of things being one way, you get used to it.
and i have to remember he is a different person.
he shows things differently.
he does things differently.
but then i worry that something isn't right....
and i think i figured it out that,
when we first got together,
more than things being new and us totally being mushy for the other,
there was an element he brought to our relationship,
and this element isn't something i'm getting currently.
so i think that it makes me feel less special.
like...
what makes me so different than any of the other girls he talks to?
maybe i'm not different.
maybe he's doing and saying things with them that he does with me.
maybe because i'm in the same state is the only difference.
maybe he hasn't told his "friends" we're together.
maybe he's not ready for me to be in his life as much as he is into mine.
or at least as much as i want him to be in mine.
basically, you can see how me living in my head can seriously screw things up. and the fucked up thing is, i can think all of these things and start pushing him away. i'll get quiet or kind of smartassy but not in a fun way. more like a mean way. so i'll push him away for maybe a day or a few days but i ultimately just end up missing him too damn much that i cave to myself and tell him i miss him and then i'm just a cuddle machine. it's really frustrating for myself.
i hate feeling crazy. i hate feeling insecure. i hate being skeptical. i hate that i don't understand why it seems like i'm bent on making this relationship crash and burn. i hate that i don't understand why he loves me. and even more than hating not understanding, i hate that i don't truly believe it.
today i was talking it over with my boss and i told her that i thought us being official would feel different. but it doesn't. and i think it's because, we were basically in a relationship this whole time and now all it has is a name that, it's kind of a weird relationship. idk why but it still kind of feels like we're two separate people who hang out alot and are together alot but there's something there that keeps us from being a couple but more like two separate entities just coming together at the end of the day. and, i do think it's important for couples to have their own lives, idk....to me it feels like there's this block and it's keeping us from being a couple couple.
and maybe it's me. which would make sense. i am going through alot and it doesn't help that i fuck with my own head so, i could very well be the barrier. i just wish i knew how to fix all the problems really quickly and make this relationship be what i know it can be. but maybe that's just it....i know it has the possibility of being something really great but we're so alike that it's freaking me out. i can't deal with dating myself lol seems like an unnecessary kick in the head. like, instead of being me i'm my ex and Army Boy is me. ironic no? i think it's kind of a shitty spot to be in......and maybe it's really only this complicated in my head and really things are just peachy. hmm....
how did i become like this? i really don't get it. it's so frustrating and i'm just so over it...over being me.
just. over it.
i hate feeling crazy. i hate feeling insecure. i hate being skeptical. i hate that i don't understand why it seems like i'm bent on making this relationship crash and burn. i hate that i don't understand why he loves me. and even more than hating not understanding, i hate that i don't truly believe it.today i was talking it over with my boss and i told her that i thought us being official would feel different. but it doesn't. and i think it's because, we were basically in a relationship this whole time and now all it has is a name that, it's kind of a weird relationship. idk why but it still kind of feels like we're two separate people who hang out alot and are together alot but there's something there that keeps us from being a couple but more like two separate entities just coming together at the end of the day. and, i do think it's important for couples to have their own lives, idk....to me it feels like there's this block and it's keeping us from being a couple couple.
and maybe it's me. which would make sense. i am going through alot and it doesn't help that i fuck with my own head so, i could very well be the barrier. i just wish i knew how to fix all the problems really quickly and make this relationship be what i know it can be. but maybe that's just it....i know it has the possibility of being something really great but we're so alike that it's freaking me out. i can't deal with dating myself lol seems like an unnecessary kick in the head. like, instead of being me i'm my ex and Army Boy is me. ironic no? i think it's kind of a shitty spot to be in......and maybe it's really only this complicated in my head and really things are just peachy. hmm....
how did i become like this? i really don't get it. it's so frustrating and i'm just so over it...over being me.
just. over it.
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