Wa-Wa Washington pt.2

so a day or two after my convo i went to the beach for the weekend with my sister and the kids... i had no energy to do anything and one of the days i basically didn't say anything at all. this has to do with my sister as well, unfortunately. she's a bigger bitch than i can be at times. i cook dinner and she gets mad that i didn't use the pan she would've used, i get stuff out of the car but locked it and she forgot something from it, everything she says is condescending and she acts like i'm a retarded kid. she expects me to act like she did at my age...but by this age she was married, divorced and stuck in a different state fending for herself because my parents refused to help her. um...i'm not stupid enough to follow a military guy across the US in my early twenties. so of course i'm not going to act how she wants me to act....i've looked at changing flights twice so i can come home early. the stress from the phone call and my sisters bitchy attitude have been too much for me to handle.

two nights ago i called drein sobbing and hyperventilating... i really couldn't handle it here anymore. i'm alone. i have no interest in sight seeing because i'm by myself and i really don't feel like going anywhere with my sister, my sisters attitude sucks...if i were home and sulking i could deal better because i could always go see drein or go someplace i know and just relax but here, there's nothing really to do. none of my plans have worked out so far which seems to be the story of my life...i'm just over it. and for a day or two (altho i didn't tell Army Boy) i really didn't want him to text me. i really do miss him and cant wait to see him but while i was at the beach i was so unhappy i didn't even want him to tell me that he missed me or loved me. i felt like affection was just too much to handle. i didn't really reciprocate but i didn't want to go all bipolar on him.

which brings me to my next point...as much as i want to be with him, i don't want to supplement my feelings of loss with feelings of something new. because i'm really good at ignoring my feelings if i have something else to pay attention to and i don't feel like that's fair to him because, more than likely, it'll bite me in the ass. so i think (and i'm saying it alot) that if i do therapy that this will help me. and i'm saying it alot because it makes me feel more like i should go. i'm always saying that i need to fix myself, deal with my shit...but what shit do i have to deal with?

well obviously i have to deal with Mr. Big and all those issues.
i have to deal with resentment over what my brother did.
i have to deal with anxiety...my not sleeping, me always wanting to smoke, self destructive feelings, food worries (when i work out).
i have to deal with my general DGAF attitude. Army Boy has pointed it out to me that i have that general attitude alot and, really, i don't see it. i just think, if i don't wanna i don't wanna but i seriously can't think of specific instances where that would be a prob but i guess i do say dgaf alot which means that i prolly do have that attitude about alot of things

i think thats it.

once ive started to deal with these things, i think then i'll be ready to fully put my emotional self in the relationship without feeling guilty or something. cuz i was a bit buzzed the other night and while i meant wat i said, i also think it was premature. i told him that i wanted to be officially his. i meant it. i just think that i'd be so emotionally not ready to or if i tried to be, something would go wrong and that's not fair. i told him that i didn't want him to have to deal with my shit because that's not right to ask especially if we're supposed to be starting over together.

i like that thought tho...him and i being together and it'll be new. any shit he and i went through won't be a thought because it wont matter to him or me. we'll be together and that's what we both want.

Wa-Wa Washington pt.1

so i made the phone call last week... it seriously sucked. it took me forever to get any words out. i said that i didn't think he should get me from the airport because of expectations that i know he has and that theres no way i could reciprocate. really i don't remember much specifics. eventually i started crying which lasted for about an hour. i went on to say that i don't treat him how he should be treated and i'm not okay with that. that i am always seen as the bad person because people come to his defense...

he responded that he doesn't need defending. he doesn't really mind when i'm a bitch or when i yell because he looks past it to the relationship we have and i'm the only one he's interested in. he has a really negative world view and doesn't see many people, or any new people really, as worth getting to know because they're so desensitized to the world around them and no one thinks. everyone is stupid and has no education...the only things worth caring about are the dog and me. so he doesn't mind that i'm not always the best to him.

but i told him that it's not right and that's not the person i want to be. i haven't been happy for a while unless we're high or in bed and i don't like that either because it makes me objectify him and i don't like that about myself. i said that i think i stopped trying after the phone incident because i really tried and it wasn't enough for him to believe me. i also said that i blamed my brother and the stupid bitch for that. if they had stuck their noses out of it, we would have gone on the way we were which i thought was fine. then he said i couldn't blame them which is total BS because that situation wouldn't have happened if they had come to me first.

this lead into me saying that i also have alot of resentment because that situation showed that my brother didn't think of me as his sister, or even a person because i wasn't chosen first. he was chosen over me and that left such a huge scar inside that i still resent him for it. by this point i was screaming and sobbing...

it hurt, this convo...it hurt alot. because i don't hate him. i still love him. i'm sure i'll always love him. i just don't think that makes up for the person that i've changed into even though he doesn't seem to mind. the bottom line is that i wasn't okay with the way things were going and i didn't want to do that to him or myself anymore. it was so hard to hang up the phone. i really didn't want to...he didn't understand how i can say i care for him but not want to be with him. so, as of the moment when we hung up the phone, i have to deal with the fact that i may never talk to or see him again. ever. it's not how i would want things to be but it's what he can handle...that's what was so hard for me. someone who has been my friend for over six years, been my boyfriend for a little under six years, someone who's been influential and monumental in my life is no longer there.

i cried myself to sleep that night. i really felt like shit; not only about ending an important relationship in my life but also because, in the midst of my screaming about how unimportant i am to my brother, i really felt like i wasn't important enough to love or to receive any sort of affection. part of me somewhere has really just stopped caring.

How?

how am i supposed to do this? it's better for me and it's better for him. but when i get texts that are "we" or song lyrics that make me laugh...it makes it that much harder to do it.

i need to.
i want to.
i want to be with Army Boy.

but how the fuck are you supposed to prepare yourself to really destroy someone? really. this sucks.

Is That Your Final Answer?

so i think i've finally made my decision. the past couple days have been rather... introspective. what makes me happy? who makes me happy? what past events have shaped the me i am today? you know, those types of questions...

and my answer is, Army Boy makes me happy. being with him makes me happy. his cheesy jokes and his laugh make me happy. his deep kisses and milkshake hugs make me happy. being his submissive makes me happy.


i'm not really happy anymore with Mr. Big. i'm sure i will always be in love with him but loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that you're good as a couple. we're great friends. we've always been really great friends. best friends. but somewhere that got lost in translation and the tribulations of being in a relationship made things go very wrong. i no longer am excited to see him, i kind of use him as an object and it's tiring being fake. it's not someone i want to be either. and i feel guilty

i'm always feeling guilty. i hate it

and his birthday is in about two or three weeks and i'm not sure what to do. tell him before i come home? after i come home? before i come home but after his birthday? i just don't know. i'm a nice person, really, and i think why it's been hard for me to end things time and time again is because i'm not into making him feel hurt. i'd rather grin and bare it then hurt him but i just can't do that anymore.


Army Boy makes me really happy and it took me being away from home to see that he's all i think about and i want to spend my time with him. all of my time. i feel things for him that i don't for Mr. Big and the things that i feel, i won't get them anywhere else. i have no interest in getting them anywhere else except from him.

so although i'm sure i want to go to therapy when i get back home, i also want to be with Army Boy. therapy needs to come first i'm sure. i wanna go, lay out all my drama and solve watever is making me have anxiety because that's one of the reasons i left. i always felt anxious about something, i wasn't sleeping, i really had no energy to go out and do anything... i just want to revamp myself inside and out and be a better me and start fresh Army Boy.

because he makes me happy and i want to make him happy

Rotten on the Inside

so now im in washington and tonight my sister and i were talking about the drama down at home. i filled her in with whats happening with my brother and it lead into me and Mr. Big. she said we were fighting over Mr. Big and he shouldn't be coming in between our relationship because we really were so close. i of course don't see it that way. i see it as my alena's fault for being a crazy bitch who needs meds and my bros fault for choosing her over me. but this isn't what's bothering me

what's bothering me is what my sister said about me concerning Mr. Big. it's something i already know and have said it myself but i think it made a really big impact because it was coming from her. i almost started to cry

it's hard to see yourself how other people see you

she said that i treat Mr. Big like crap. i'm don't treat him very well and to his fault he sticks around for it and basically asks for it. i've told him this...he can't really match me in terms of attitude. i'm a strong willed person and i'm bitchy and i sort of just plow over him. i don't necessarily mean to, it just happens....but that's why everyone is always on his side. i don't even think i'm being too terrible and other people see me differently.


i kno i'm stubborn and not flexible in regards to how things should be...and my temper isn't always under check. i need to work on it. but then i can't help forget that it always seems to be the same thing over and over again between me and him. i've seriously lost alot of respect for him in that regard. he has many wonderful qualities and he's a very giving and loving person. he's a genuinely good hearted person and that's why everyone is always on his side. because i'm seen as the bad person. no one ever sees it from my side that he isn't always a perfect person...

what i'm getting at is, it's been years of the same thing. i think it's just the kind of couple we make. and i don't like that fact. i don't treat him respectfully and i dont like the person i become. it's not fair to either of us. if he would want to stay with someone who doesn't fully respect him then that makes him stupid too. i don't want to be that person everyone hates...the one that his friends tell him he shouldn't be dating because i'm a bitch...

i'm not a very pretty person to others i think. i'm not kind. respectful. caring...


i don't want to be this person and it sucks that my sister said it to me

in oregon

so i'm on vacation and i've been here in Tigard (oregon) since tuesday...i've been sick since then too. not the best few days.... i spent tuesday traveling and throwing up so that sucked...but now i'm feeling much better. more like myself. my ovaries have been acting up too, unfortunately.

anyway, there is a point to this post... here in oregon is my sister who is much like my twin. she is ten years older but basically looks like me just a tad taller and more body mass. we think alike, act alike, have the same interests, etc. it's quite spooky. and so i'm here with her and her bf who used to be quite active in the BDSM community up here in Portland. not so much anymore since the arrival of the baby but more than half of the convo since i've been here has been on the bdsm topic. it's just natural and since i've only experienced things with Army Boy, it's nice to share stories and here tips and other things from them.

i feel quite at home, not necessarily in her apartment or nething, i mean more about being more of myself whenever we talk about bdsm things....it's weird how freely it is to talk about myself and about themselves. it's a natural thing that i wish i could do more with on a more regular basis.

and then i got to thinking about Mr. Big versus Army Boy and how i feel about this topic...may be a little more info than necessary but just sumthing as simple as a vibrator being used...when it comes to Mr. Big i don't like the idea of him using it on me but Army Boy, i have no qualms about toys being used when we're together. i feel more comfy about talking about things with Army Boy...it's like this whole aspect of myself if more at ease with Army Boy and today in the shower...i felt for a glimmer that i can see myself with a future with no Mr. Big. whether or not it would be okay i don't know but i saw it for a sec and this kind of surprised me