Sunny Side Up

Finally! After the date getting pushed back farther and farther, Army Boy is home. I'm contented now. *happy dance*

and damn does he look cute when he's sleeping

Five Foto Friday (Belated)

once again i'm behind schedule, but i kind of have reason to be. to sum it up nicely, i've had another "Talk" with the ex, had to take care of his dumb drunken ass (got throw up on me thank you very much), i finally was able to see Mr. Marine, my Would Have Been 5 year anniversary passed on the 7th (don't know how i feel about that yet), and last but not least, Army Boy finally made it home and is currently napping in my bed. Mhm!

Sunny Side Up

today's post is simple.

i've gotten my school work done.
i've studied.. well, found the stuff on my outline. i'll reread it later.

and today i shall be going to redondo to see Mr. Marine. we haven't seen one another in about a month so i'm starting to miss him. this is so much better than not wanting to see him.

it's a nice change of pace

Five Foto Friday (Belated)

Jab. Cross. Hook.

so remember a few posts ago i said i wanted to post about changes? and one change specifically? wellll i've finally made a step towards one of those changes.

i went to the gym today for two hours!

and although i had a lack of motivation and will to go, i was being forced by Andreina so of course i couldn't let her down. and you know what..?

it was fun!

our school has this AMAZING rec. center where everything is free. so we went to a martial arts class and tonight's class was on kickboxing. i love kickboxing! well actually, i really love boxing. i love to hit. it feels so good to hit someone really hard because afterward you're just happy. so, i think i really want to stick with this two nights a week. fit in another night at the gym somewhere in my week. if i can do this class until the end of the semester that'd be amazing. i can never stick with the gym for longer than a month at a time.

haha ch-ch-ch-changes! seriously, i intend to change this and keep it changed!

Sunny Side Up

with the last thirty minutes that is sunday september 26th, i shall post something good.

something positive in the midst of chaos.

today i had dinner with my mom and this is something we haven't done in a long time. i don't mean going out to eat either. we made a simple dinner at home and ate it together on the couch and watched tv. we talked while we were in the kitchen. actual conversation and not just me placating her. she's been gone for a week and i didn't see her the night she got back so, this was nice.

i'm thankful for my mom and that i'm probably the child that knows her the best. it's like the umbilical chord is still attached sometimes, that's how freaky close we can be.

i love my mom.

Fairy Tale

In every fairy tale or children's story there is an obstacle that has to be overcome before the reward at the end can be had. Fairy tales always seem romantic and filled with excitement. Sadly, this isn't the case if a fairy tale were to be an actual event.


I guess my fairy tale is, I'm basically in love with two people. It's not hard to guess who. The problem is, I thought my obstacle for my tale was just that I had to figure out things about myself while in the midst I was hoping the boy problem would work itself out. Well, it's not. It won't and I'm a fool for thinking it could work this way. My actual obstacle it seems has stemmed from yet another conversation I've had with the ex just a few days ago. I've been holding out on this post but it's exploding inside me and I feel like I need to purge myself of all the anger and sadness built up around this "situation".

Basically the ex sat me down and told me everything he feels. And when I say everything, that's exactly what I mean. Aside from him loving me and all that that entails, a new twist added was..


I'm only being given a certain amount of time to figure this out before he gets ready to move on. I'm pretty sure I'm being given until December, maybe christmas time, and then he will propose. Yes, i said propose. If i say yes then that's that. If i say no, he needs to remove himself from this situation and move on with his life.

God i felt like I had so much more to say and now i'm drawing a complete blank. It's like the situation we're in has become our whole life. We argued about it again today because of the problem it presented in his mind last night. We try to freely talk about other things like we're friends but a little road block seems to insert itself and a whole day can be ruined. Not only am i bipolar but he's starting to say things and do things that don't match up. He wants to not care and at the same time we need boundaries. It's a mess and it feels like quicksand. I really don't know what to do.

I meant it when I told the ex that if we got back together i would put my promise ring back on and consider us engaged. That's a little different than, in a few months you have to decide if you want to be my fiance or not.. How will I be able to decide in a few short months what has only gotten messier all year and in recent weeks?

The ex was right in basically everything he called me out on. And he even said that I wasn't crying because i'm sad, i'm crying because he was right. He also said something that I don't think will leave me either. He said that with everything we've been through this year (some stuff i haven't put in the blog which actually has a big impact on our tale) and with all the changes he's made for me and himself, everything combined proves his love. He's stuck it out so far and only kept trying when i've been pushing him away. If all of this doesn't prove how much he loves me then nothing will because he can't show me any more than he already has. And he's right. But with all of his growth and changing and acts of devotion, why can't I give up on Army Boy and go back to what i have?

And the thing is, the ex is a sure thing. I know i will have the life i want with him because our goals are the same. He can make me extremely happy and I'm not sure anyone would be able to do that but him.


So why can't I stop growing closer and falling more in love with Army Boy and just let the ex move on with his life?

Five Foto Friday

Bipolar

so it was brought to my attention by the ex that i'm two completely different people when it comes to him and when it comes to Army Boy.

Since my last rant the ex and i haven't exactly been on the same page in terms of keeping the peace amongst ourselves. a few days ago we had a talk because he found a picture on my own desktop and freaked out and, long story short, he said i was two different people. i'm saying and doing things with him but acting a different way with Army Boy. basically more positively towards Army Boy. i'm holding double standards which he doesn't understand and thinks is unfair and doesn't get why i think it's okay to act in such a way... to his benefit, the ex is right about me being different. i can see his point of view and if i were him i wouldn't get me either.

The thing is though, i feel exactly how he sees me. Like two different people.
And its literally tearing me down inside.

I feel crazy all the time. Like the two people inside of me are fighting with one another. And i hate it. It seems like the talks with the ex are never ending because there's always something new to be upset about. we just had another mishap last night and i feel like i shouldn't see him anymore. but, i don't want to lose my friendship with him. cuz we have a good one. yes i do keep things to myself but they're things i don't really tell anyone except andreina. but really, could we still be friends? he doesn't think so. i think i could put in the effort it would take to never lose him.

but on the other hand (because i'm realistic and look all all possible scenarios)..

could i only be friends with Army Boy? would he stick around if we didn't end up together? according to the ex he can't stop who i'm friends with but he'd always be on edge because of the history Army Boy and i have with one another. and even so, he's not here to talk with yet. there's a list of topics we have to discuss and this, obviously, is one of them. the ex and i have discussed the dynamics of our relationship and how it stands as of now but i can't exactly do that with someone who isn't here which just makes me feel like i'm in a never ending limbo.

and then on top of that are other worries:
how different will life be when Army Boy is home?
will it be for the better or the worst?
what exactly is keeping me from making up my mind on what i want?

inevitabley someone is going to get hurt and it will most likely be me making the choice. i don't want to do that. Ever. so, instead of doing something i'm doing nothing. and as much as i don't like feeling stuck and like i'm not getting anywhere and like these problems aren't going away.. i like being here.



see what i mean? i'm bipolar right now. crazy. sad all the time but apparently not upset enough to fix the situation. i'm laying in dirty dish water with an amputated limb and i'm just laying here.. not asking for help. not trying to help myself. just. laying. i think things will change once Army Boy is back and we can talk about things. i just have to wait until then. that's if my amputated limb doesn't become infected and then infect my whole body and i die...

hopefully i can wait just long enough.

Five Foto Friday (Belated)

this is my other niece, Paige Elizabeth who was born on the 16th. She should've been my last weeks Five Foto Friday post but i'm making it up now. I LOVE BABIES! heehee

Do Not Pass Go. Move Back 5 Spaces...

.: this is a bit of a rant :.

today was nice. although i was extremely chipper yesterday, today i wasn't unhappy. i was just quiet and contented.

i truly believe what you send out is what you'll get back. i believe in the universe and it's balance. this can be the only explanation for why things went so horribly wrong today...

it was because i was ecstatic yesterday.

today i found out my eldest sister was in labor with my soon to be born niece, Paige. yay! sooo in the spirit of trying to heal my broken family, i text my other sister (who if you'll remember correctly just had her own baby girl) that our sister is in labor and had thrown in the plans for a surprise bday party for my mom in decemeber and if she'd like to attend then i'll gladly buy her ticket.

(rewind for a sec.. my sister holds grudges for a very long time. my mom has wronged her so they dont speak. both my sisters don't speak because of something that happened and i'm the only one who talks to said sister who holds grudges. ergo, i try and take hold of chances to mend fences).

this didn't work out so well. i got a text back that pretty much said, i dont care and maybe one day it'll sink in so next time you feel like telling me this, dont because you piss me off.

wow. harsh. i cried at work. it sucked. but the universe (and this just hit me as i was typing this) sent me Army Boy who called me right as i had tears welling up in my eyes. in less than a minute he had me feeling better. love him...

so we talk and talk until it's time for him to sleep (he's three hours ahead of me) and then i read my book. kinda sad again so my mood is very distant. i'm at the ex's house because now that we're friends we can hang out casually, plus my husky lives there so it's unavoidable anyway. he knows i'm having a shit day so we go out for sushi. YUMMO! this should brighten my night, or what's left of it anyway. too bad this doesn't quite pan out.

we go to dinner, things are fine. i'm kinda bummed, yes, but we have nice convo about stuff (i can't really remember). we have some serious talk about drama going on right now, we discuss the dynamics of our relationship as it currently stands and then.. the dreaded "and then"..

he goes and messes it up by asking if i've kissed anyone since we've split. i tell him yes but that's it. AND THEN he goes on to torture himself by asking who was better. now, let me explain something about him... the reason i was always mad at him while we were dating is because he was stupid at times. this is an example of that stupidity..... anyway, i tell him i'm not answering that question. that that question goes along with the unaskable question like, "how many people have you slept with?" and then he asks me why. *sigh* i tell him i'm not getting into it and he pushes further. so i tell him that it's not that it's bad, it's just that it's different. it's a different way of kissing because i'm not kissing him. it's a neutral answer. neither bad nor good. so it's like i've answered it without really answering it. sly, i think. i'm smart and have evaded this topic.

AND THEN...

he says that he kissed someone else and didn't like it. BAM! right there i divert my eyes away from him and drink my water as i stare at some commercial of rabbits laughing at a rattle snake because it had a baby rattle on the end of its tail instead of a snake rattle. (was actually really funny). in silence we sit. and sit. and sit, until finally it occurs to him to get the check. i don't look at him the whole way home (im driving) and we get to the house, i go inside and get the book i was reading, explain i feel sick and get water, then tell him i feel like crap and need to leave.

i really did feel like crap.

he tries to hug me and i'm just not having it. tries to look at me and i look away. asks me if i'm mad and i shake my head profusely as i very quickly walk to my car. opens it and talks but i'm over it and just get in and either shake or nod my head to watever he's trying to say or ask or whatever... why? why does he do stupid shit? why does he feel the need to ask things like that?

fast forward to, i'm at home and just got out of the shower. my fone has 3 missed texts and two missed calls. so i text back and it goes something like me asking what he wants and him saying he got worried cuz i didn't text that i was home and he felt bad because i got sick so fast and then me saying it was him and my diet pill that made me sick. (the pill really did upset my stomach) but it was him saying he kissed someone else that made me feel like throwing up. it took him a while to understand what i meant AND THEN.. and then he goes on to explain that he's never kissed anyone else and he just made it up because he wanted me to say that i missed kissing him because he's insecure about being replaced..

might i say, "what the fuck?"... i told him that was mean and then i explained the situation i'm in. that i'm in constant conflict with my own choices every single day and when he does stupid stuff like this, it only hurts him. so, he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and he tries to end the night (like 15 mins later) with a joke and a warm good night text. i just say "good night".

and you know, it's not about whether he kissed someone. i couldn't care because, lord knows, i've kissed Army Boy and then a lot more. so that's not the issue. it's that he said something about it, and it was a lie. but before i knew it was a lie, it was that he told me. just because we're single doesn't mean i want to hear about it. how rude and insensitive and thoughtless and careless.. i've never, ever done anything like that! ever! and i would never tell a flat out lie like that. jeebus! lie by omission. fine. but flat out?!!?

either way, the universe balanced out my amazing day by giving me a day where two people i love alot cut me very deeply. i'm starting to feel bipolar. i'm starting to feel like i can't go through this on my own anymore. i'd hate to go back to therapy but some days it just feels necessary. and i've never toyed with the idea of needing an Rx to help me but some happy pills wouldn't hurt right now. i feel crazy at times and i just feel so lost

Sunny Side Up

so it's sunday and i swear this is the hardest part of my blog for me. the photos isn't hard, it's just time consuming. the poetry isn't hard, im just out of practice so i hate everything i write. but this section is the hardest part i think because i don't see myself as a sunny person. i'm realistic. if you want to look at the glass and say it's half full then that's your prerogative. i would say, "well if it was full to begin with and now it's not then it's half empty. if it was empty and you filled it then, yes, it is half full".

it's realistic. i'm realistic. and sometimes, it sucks. but hey, reality sucks and life sucks.

sometimes.
not always.



and this is something i tend to forget very, very easily. and i know this is something i need to work on. i don't intend to be all sunshine and lolipops but just a little bit more.. skittles, shall we say?

my sunny side up is dedicated to THE EX today. we had a talk, and when i say "talk" i mean, i pretty much talked not nicely AT him instead of to him. but, after all was said and done, he understood it came from a place of love and friendship and thanked me sincerely. he knows i don't always mean to yell or be angry but he also knows he invokes this side of me like no one can BUT... it's usually because i care and in a weird way, this works.

so, in spite of the oppositeness of the situation, there was a good result.

also, another sunny moment was the girls nite i had last nite. ROLLER DERBY! although it wasn't as contact impacted as i would've wanted it to be, it was fun to go out with the girls, get some drinks and be redonk. but, out of the girls nite's ive been having, i've become closer with friends i've had for six years but have also started to make a new friend. invite her into our group. don't know if i've mentioned her yet but, it's Leah. she's the gf of the ex's best friend who used to be my best friend but that friendship crashed and burned. anyway, i didn't really like Leah but that's because i was being a bitch for no reason. once i put that aside, i've come to find that she's really cool and so i've slowly started making a new friend. it's kinda nice. we have our first girl date on friday just the two of us for a movie and snacks. pretty excited if i do say so myself lol

so Sunny Side Up.. let's try this again shall we?

Until next sunday...

Prodigal Daughter

being away from the blog for so long has been tugging at heart strings for a while now and, as i was showering i realized that i had to have the want to come back to understand why i let it fall by the wayside...

i'm scared of writing what's going on for two reasons:

1) i'm not sure if i've progressed how i would like
2) i have to admit some harsh truths to myself

but reading from my inspirational bloggers i think i can do this.

i'll do a summary i guess:

The Ex
we broke up officially, then decided we could talk, then we were talking too much, then broke up again, then decided what will be will be. we're too good of friends (best friends really) to not talk. sometimes it's like nothing is going on and other times its such a painful awkward turtle situation that the oxygen is sucked out of the room. he wrote me a letter expressing everything he felt, i misread something he miswrote and got so drunk i yelled at him for around 4 hrs. i cried until i almost had a panic attack. very dramatic i know but i couldn't help it. since then tho, the next day in fact, everything went back to being honky dory. for right now it's nice i guess but of course, that's just for right now.


Mr. Marine
we've had an interesting development as well. he got on my nerves so much that his friend had to intervene. it was getting to the point where i hated seeing his text messages pop up and we were so passive aggressive and physically aggressive that it was making other people uncomfortable. in the end, he was told to suck it up. he and i wont have a relationship and he needs to stop being a baby. end of story. since then i've kept a bit of distance just to be safe. he seems to be handling it well soo... we'll just hope it stays this way.

Army Boy
(i really wanted to label him in red cuz it's his favorite color but it was already taken and it's the only color that would fit the title it's already with.. o well.) anyway, this might be the shortest summary only because the only thing i have to say is...... I REALLY LIKE HIM! yes we have things to talk about when he moves back home but, i really don't wanna get into that. it's one of the reasons i stopped blogging in the first place. for now, we've gotten alot closer and i see myself doing things differently because of him. he makes me sigh because really, i have no words. and.. i like that.


now for why i stopped blogging...



i stopped blogging because i felt like i wasn't making a difference in the things i wanted to change. i realized i can still be made mad very easily and that my temper hasn't gotten any better. i still have the desire to do things but not the motivation to get them done. and with school, i set out to be productive, after all, this is what i've been waiting for all summer. for school and work so i can have something to do and look forward to and focus my energy into... its partially there. but, i let setbacks get the better of me and i'm not as far as i'd like to be in my goals. and instead of sitting here talking about it i could be out getting it done. and i'm not. which, i'm not bitching about how it sucks. i'm just simply stating that i haven't progressed how i would like and i'm not quite sure what to do to kick my ass into gear. i think that would solve all of these issues... i just don't have the answer yet.

and two- the harsh truths. well, it's an extension of reason one. my setbacks have gotten the better of me and i'm eating and drinking my feelings away. it's nice, except that i'm totally wrecking my body which, hopefully i can start blogging about that solution. hopefully it'll be posted soon but for now, i just have to wait. and you'll just have to wait for the rest of reason two's explanation. the harsh truths will come out when i deal with them and i fully intend to keep them locked away until i'm ready to deal with them. when will that be?.. when i know, you'll know.


but, i also realized that i was bogged down so easily because i wasn't blogging. you kind of forget how good it feels until you're not doing it anymore. fingers, although very necessary for every day life, were the keys to my feeling better all along. i just need to use them again...

Five Foto Friday

now i know this is supposed to be a Five Foto Friday.. but, i'm going to deviate a little bit. my niece was born today! at 2:34 Friday the 20th of August 2010! so.. this is the only photo that matters

Flashback

So all this talk about change and decisions, thinking and analyzing and worrying..
will the answers come or not?
are the choices right?
is it the right direction?
etc...

it seems that other obstacles happen along and things become more complicated. a bunch of separate complications mixed with the main situation becoming more complicated.. shit.

when will it end?

lately i not only have been thinking about the aforementioned questions but i've also just been mulling over aspects of myself which i'm having a hard time coming to terms with. now, as cliche as it sounds and i myself am quite tired of hearing about it, i've come across a situation this week that made me think about how, although i've changed, i still battle with self image issues. Seven years is a long time to deal with them and they never really leave you. it's not a constant battle anymore but i feel like it comes in waves now. Really. Big. Waves.


let me rewind a little bit.. i got into a fight with Mr. Marine because i think he is in an unhealthy friendship. i think this because this girl is going through similar life issues that i went through, she's my age, and she still hasn't dealt with her issues. she's using him as a crutch and he's letting himself feel obligated to help her but in reality he's hurting her. long story short i say choose the tough love route because in the long run it will help her.

but in thinking about her i've thought about the issues i dealt with and i'm thankful that i was able to pull myself through it. even if it did take me seven years. but now i feel like the waves came rushing back and i'm not liking this feeling.

i keep going over who i was when i started falling apart. the events in my life that lead to future decisions. how i dealt with my pain. i dont regret one second. not one. i don't believe in regretting life, either good or bad, because it made you who you are right now. and if you don't like who you are you can always change that. but then when i feel and think those same things that i did back then, how much have i Really changed? i believe i have grown and learned and am nowhere near that person i was. but deep down i know she's still there. i hear her talking and i hear her thinking and i feel exactly what it feels like to be unhappy through her feelings. she brings me down sometimes and right now she is holding me down..

but in reality, she is me. we are one in the same. i can never escape who i was. but it's always a scary thought to know that she's there...

Five Foto Friday

Put On Your Face

i recently joined another website for networking, of sorts, and i filled out my info and all the usual stuff, except i actually had a mental block while i was doing this. i kno what you're saying, "how can you have a mental block just filling out the normal info about yourself?" well..

i was stuck on the nickname portion. what appears above your picture.

now of course you can put your real name but, i didn't want to. so i sat there and stared at my screen. kept staring. staring staring staring.. why was this so hard? i thought of a name for my blog, the name that appears here, my email, the name that appears on weheartit.com, my rave name.. none of these names fit the site i was joining. and then it hit me..

i dont have a nickname for this aspect of myself. i'm reinventing myself, this site is something totally new for me. of course i dont have a name! each name i have for watever site or group i belong to is significant only to that site/group! duh! so then came the hard part.. if i don't know this side of me yet, how can i make a name?

eventually i thought of something that was fitting enough and of course it can always change later. but for now, it's fitting. it gave me a little spark of happiness though. delving into this new side of me is exciting, scary, still more exciting, in need of research of sorts.. but i took the first step!

*high five*

Nightlight please

think for a moment of a time in your life when you were undoubtedly sure that events, people, places, thoughts, actions and feelings in your life were perfect. not necessarily what was going on or what was being said, but that this specific moment in and of itself was resonating with you because it's exactly how it's supposed to be.

a first kiss?
a reunion?
a laugh?
a silent moment?
a comforting hug?
even a fight can be perfect..

in this moment did you feel like you were capable of strength within yourself? that you could do whatever your heart desired because it felt possible? undoubtedly you were sharing this moment with someone, or someones.

lately i've been alone during the day. just me. and i've come to realize that i'm not made to do this on a daily basis. i'm made to nurture and mother and do things for and share myself.. with another person. i haven't been able to do this. i'm a physical person who needs to hug or be next to someone. maybe not all the time. but certainly not meant to never do it either. i'm staying in bed longer. staying up later. essentially wasting my day because that way i have less time to be alone. i have more time to sleep where everything is like the moment you just thought of.

i can't remember the last time that i was fearless.. and truly it's a scary feeling

At What Point...?

At what point do you say, this isn't working anymore?

Yesterday I spent the day with the ex because i went to a funeral and my family is close with him so of course he came with me. After the whole day event we went back to his house and did errands, watched a movie and by that time it was 10pm. I don't know how it started but we were talking about whether or not this break up was working, i mean, we've been seeing each other at least once a week. Ultimately we came to the conclusion that, no, this isn't working. We need to revamp.


Our conversation was about 4 hrs long. It was like we were best friends again, despite our awkward turtle of a situation, we really just talked no matter how much what we said may have hurt the other. we actually were able to laugh about sum stuff even though i couldn't see for the life of me.

He knows that i have feelings for Army Boy now. he suspected as much but chalked it up to being paranoid. needless to say he wasn't too thrilled about us not talking, for real this time, but moreso now than ever. we talked about what he thought he was doing and what he was actually doing were two different things and he felt like he messed up. and how we could be such amazing friends, even now, and our relationship be so disconnected.

We both feel the same way.. that some days we just want to be apart from one another and end everything and other days it's the total opposite. and because of this we decided it'd be best to end all contact unless it pertains to the dog. us talking and seeing each other in social settings was just making things more confusing and harder to deal with. so, we are now officially done done.

Now i just have to decide when i'll be done walking down the middle and actually choose a direction...



So at what point do we decide that enough is enough, we've tried our best and despite how well aspects are by themselves, put together they just dont work and we need to move on?

Five Foto Friday