can't sleep.

i can't sleep.
i can't sleep.
i cannot sleep.
i want to sleep.
and i can't.

i'm just having a total disconnect with human interaction. yesterday it was way awkward with Mr. Big and today it totally just fell apart while i was with Army Boy.

opening up is something that's hard for me to do so i'd rather not than subject myself to be seen. and it's way easier to be honest and forthcoming with innermosts when there's distance to absorb the uneasiness. and this is such a problem because i'm forthcoming to a fault with Army Boy and the farther away i am the more i'll say. this is good but the bad side is that when we're together and something is clearly wrong with me i won't say a thing. and i know it's all over my face. i'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore.

and honestly, when i say "nothing" it's because i mean it. what's wrong...? "nothing". nothing i feel like talking about right now. and just because i say nothing doesn't necessarily mean i won't ever say anything...it just means that at that moment nothing is wrong because i don't feel like talking about it. or talking at all.

which is why i haven't been blogging as of late i suppose. there's a lot going on and i really don't feel like talking about it but i can definitely feel an attitude change. i came home and started smoking and sleeping in late and trying to deal with stuff that i left behind for a month and it's not fun. facing shit isn't fun and i really wish there was a "no" button for life's situations and then you wouldn't have to deal with hard things. they would just magically be solved for better or worse and that's that. the end.

i wish.

so after that rant i'm trying to tie it into the beginning. i can't sleep. and i really can't place why i can't sleep. maybe i can but i really don't want to talk about it....

maybe that's the problem?