Today, things were nice. Last night I had talked with Army Boy about everything that’s been keeping me up at night. We talked about school and what that means for us. I told him that I would really love for him to move in with me but I’m afraid that it’ll get jinxed if we do. Then we talked about flight school and he hasn’t decided if he wants to do that yet or not but it all depends on timing if he does decide to do that. I cant very well leave school for him to do that. Either way, we talked about everything and I felt better. Today was nice as well. We had amazing shower sex which im sure was amazing because I felt better about last night. Went to class blah blah blah then went to his house and did homework together. During homework is when everything changed…
In doing homework for my death and dying class, I got to thinking about all that goes into dying or preparing to die etc etc etc. working at an assisted living facility I have to deal with it and its sad. So thinking about things lead to thinking about other things and of course I get quiet. While doing homework Army Boy was having a fight about something with his friend Amanda and whether he says something or not, I know exactly how he’s feeling. I hate having empathic abilities…no I’m not crazy. I really do have a strong sense of empathy. I really used to get physically ill.
Anyway, I could feel he was pissed and his attitude started to stress me out because I went from thinking about dying to thinking about getting skool done to thinking about my entrance essays to thinking about moving to thinking about Army Boy’s attitude on long distance relationships (while it matches my usual answer, he’s the exception for me but when we were talking I didn’t sound like the exception for him) to thinking about how pissed I was that whoever the fuck he was talking to was pissing him off and wen he’s pissed he’s standoffish so now I have to deal with a moddy bf, which I don’t mind necessarily because I get moody but, it was just his stress on top of my stress and then I started to think about why it’s so hard to tell him things now vs before we were doing couple things.
A lot of it is because when people get too close I push them away. This he already knows though. It sucks but at the same time, what am I supposed to do? The logical answer is that I need to talk about what’s bothering me because when I stop talking it affects him too but, tonight, I realized something else. I’m in my head, a lot. A lot a lot and I have the ability to over stress myself (like I did on my car ride home). So because I’m in my head a lot I always have things to think about which makes my life feel dramatic, but really, I don’t have basically any drama. But the girls that he talks to always have drama! Always! And…I’m not going to be like that.
I don’t want to be like the other girls he talks to because they’re full of drama and I don’t want to be like that with him. So I’d rather deal with things on my own. I doubt the people he talks to would be girls that I hang out with which bothers me too because, they always have some shit happening that he feels he should help with because he’s such a ridiculously good friend so I have to deal with them because I’m dating him and what they do affects him. That’s shitty. I’ve never been down for my SO having shitty friends. I voiced my opinion when my ex’s friends were being assholes but I think if I were to say something to Army Boy it wouldn’t go so well because they’re girls and I don’t really get along with many of them anyway so it would be seen that way instead of the way I intended it to be. Whatever. Anyway. I figured that out tonight.
I don’t want to seem like just another dramatic girl who always has something wrong. I know I have things to be happy about every day. I just get a little stressed out and constantly worry Because I want everything to be happy every day.
I’m freaking cupcakes and glitter inside…seriously, I just want every day to be that way. Why is that so fucking hard?
No comments:
Post a Comment