I have been away for 8 days and a lot has happened during that time. I have started summer school and a new job which have been the main reasons for being unable to blog. I really don't like not blogging. i feel like i'm missing out on important posts and i feel more stressed when i can't post my thoughts. i have gotten sick as well. its the stress i think..
i am almost single now. we talked more yesterday about when i'm going to start my "adventure". this is so weird. we're not going to be "together" but we're making plans to attend an event together next month. hmm lol.. anyway, i'm not sure how this is going to work. it's not like we want to break up and we still are friends, we're making plans for next month and i still have to come to his house to see my dog.. this is definitely an odd situation. i guess you'll be finding out what happens when i find out what happens.
more updates:.. Army Boy is making his way back to the states. when he'll arrive is still undetermined but we're hoping for the 5th. maybe even before that. i'm excited for his visit but i'm also nervous. for all the feelings i have for him i still don't know what any of them mean and it kind of just makes my situation more complicated. but overall, i'm excited because i definitely need a distraction and i do miss him terribly.
Mr. Marine just had his birthday. i haven't talked to him in almost a week though because i've been so busy and so stressed.. i voluntarily locked myself away from any human contact.
other than that.. i didn't do my Five Foto Friday because i went to Electric Daisy Carnival. all of the photos wouldve been of raving or bright colors! and i didn't do Sunday Sunny Side Up because i was sick and had work for what seemed like hours that would never end
hopefully i can get my schedule back on track and blog more. it was nice catching up on everyone's posts too..
HAPPY WISHES EVERYONE!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Hold Onto Dreams.. And My Tears
i am currently in the midst of change. at this very moment i'm crying for my past, my present and my impending future. i feel like i'm not strong enough to do this on my own. although i know i have my closest friends and my dad tells me i'm doing the right thing for me.. i can't help but feel like i'm dying.
a piece of me is dying.
i can't help but wonder why i'm making this choice; is it for the right reason? are my doubts real or are they just because i'm scared? and although my heart is breaking, my head is not changing it's mind.
this song, i think, is what i want my anthem to be. even though it brings me to tears, it gives me a sense peace with what i'm about to do...
a piece of me is dying.
i can't help but wonder why i'm making this choice; is it for the right reason? are my doubts real or are they just because i'm scared? and although my heart is breaking, my head is not changing it's mind.
this song, i think, is what i want my anthem to be. even though it brings me to tears, it gives me a sense peace with what i'm about to do...
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
Feelings that I don't know
Mornings when I can't go
Like I've lost my way again
Then I stumble as I rise
If you look into my eyes
There's a chance that you will get In
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
The reason is a guess
The place that is left
Visions not just what I see
The world is on my side
The reason left to hide
The moments that it make me
Hold onto dreams
And my tears
It's the starting
Then I start again
I start again
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
Feelings that I don't know
Mornings when I can't go
Like I've lost my way again
Then I stumble as I rise
If you look into my eyes
There's a chance that you will get In
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
The reason is a guess
The place that is left
Visions not just what I see
The world is on my side
The reason left to hide
The moments that it make me
Hold onto dreams
And my tears
It's the starting
Then I start again
I start again
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
It's my hope
It's my fear
It's my dream
All my tears
It's the start
It's an end
Let us start again
Start again
It's my hope
Saturday, June 19, 2010
The Ties That Bind Me
with the early morning sun
and
the late night sky,
i have you.
my every thought
and
every dream
are of you.
each smile across my face
and
butterfly in my stomach
are because of you.
each lonely feeling at night
and
feeling of worry or doubt
are over you.
so easily drawn in.
i want to be yours
but
i remember about all i'll leave behind
i meant every word
but
i still can't help but wonder..
are you the risk worth taking?
every day we talk.
and every day is one day closer
to you.
how i wish for you to be next to me.
to hold you.
to kiss you.
to be yours.
and while i'm yours i will still remember
about all that i had before.
and
the late night sky,
i have you.
my every thought
and
every dream
are of you.
each smile across my face
and
butterfly in my stomach
are because of you.
each lonely feeling at night
and
feeling of worry or doubt
are over you.
so easily drawn in.
i want to be yours
but
i remember about all i'll leave behind
i meant every word
but
i still can't help but wonder..
are you the risk worth taking?
every day we talk.
and every day is one day closer
to you.
how i wish for you to be next to me.
to hold you.
to kiss you.
to be yours.
and while i'm yours i will still remember
about all that i had before.
Five Foto Friday
Thursday, June 17, 2010
To Erase Or To Not Erase?
Today the question was posed to me..
"If you knew that things would turn out the way they have with (the b/f), would you still go into it or would you avoid it completely?"
I honestly have never thought about this, although it seems very logical that this would be one of the first thoughts a girl would ask herself when a relationship feels like it is disintegrating. I stared and stared as if something in the distance would provide me with an answer, or perhaps a voice in myself would speak up loud enough for me to hear...?
"I honestly don't know"... this was my response.
The bestie and I always like to look on the educational side of an experience. I always believe that no matter how horrible a situation or event or person, there is always something to learn and help guide you in your future. The motto i like to live by is "No Regrets". Drein likes to look on the brighter side of things and think of the good times because they were worth it. But today, there was doubt. She couldn't think of an answer either.
Let's backtrack.. today was an okay day. I had a seriously high moment and then a seriously low moment. This evens out to just okay. Anyway, the low moment happened when i left the bf's house after dinner.. i cried. This seems to be a regular occurrence lately. Even at my low moment i still didn't have an answer to the question. Would i redo this relationship again knowing what i know now?
To be fair, it's not "over".. it's just in question as of right now. He asked me yesterday what the "break" was for.. to find what i need to find or to just make it easier to break up? *sigh* i gave an honest answer; to find what i need to find in and about myself. the hard part to admit, though, is that i really didn't know how to answer that question either. Some days i do want to be broken up, other days i'm not sure exactly what i want but i have yet to have a day where i know i want to stay with him. but i still can't positively say i want to be without him.
Is it worth it to keep what i've learned and experienced over the last five years? Or is it to my benefit to never have loved and experienced what i have with him? i forgot about this today but i guess i chose this answer nine months ago when i got my tattoo. (The complete explanation of which will be up in a later post). The words in my tattoo are polish. The b/f is polish. I didn't get my tattoo BECAUSE OF him but rather, i incorporated a piece of him into it because of what he helped me accomplish during a very hard time in my life. I knew full well what i was doing when those words became part of my design. I spent a significant amount of time thinking of and designing my tattoo and i remember saying that, "Even if we aren't together, i won't regret getting this because he was there at a significant time in my life and that's what this symbolizes. Whether we stay together or not is something different because i know that i will always love him and i won't regret it".
So there's my answer i guess. Would i erase everything and never remember?.. no. There's always something to learn and to grow from.
If you would erase a moment or a person or a relationship then how much of your life would you not have ever experienced?
"If you knew that things would turn out the way they have with (the b/f), would you still go into it or would you avoid it completely?"
I honestly have never thought about this, although it seems very logical that this would be one of the first thoughts a girl would ask herself when a relationship feels like it is disintegrating. I stared and stared as if something in the distance would provide me with an answer, or perhaps a voice in myself would speak up loud enough for me to hear...?
"I honestly don't know"... this was my response.
The bestie and I always like to look on the educational side of an experience. I always believe that no matter how horrible a situation or event or person, there is always something to learn and help guide you in your future. The motto i like to live by is "No Regrets". Drein likes to look on the brighter side of things and think of the good times because they were worth it. But today, there was doubt. She couldn't think of an answer either.
Let's backtrack.. today was an okay day. I had a seriously high moment and then a seriously low moment. This evens out to just okay. Anyway, the low moment happened when i left the bf's house after dinner.. i cried. This seems to be a regular occurrence lately. Even at my low moment i still didn't have an answer to the question. Would i redo this relationship again knowing what i know now?
To be fair, it's not "over".. it's just in question as of right now. He asked me yesterday what the "break" was for.. to find what i need to find or to just make it easier to break up? *sigh* i gave an honest answer; to find what i need to find in and about myself. the hard part to admit, though, is that i really didn't know how to answer that question either. Some days i do want to be broken up, other days i'm not sure exactly what i want but i have yet to have a day where i know i want to stay with him. but i still can't positively say i want to be without him.
Is it worth it to keep what i've learned and experienced over the last five years? Or is it to my benefit to never have loved and experienced what i have with him? i forgot about this today but i guess i chose this answer nine months ago when i got my tattoo. (The complete explanation of which will be up in a later post). The words in my tattoo are polish. The b/f is polish. I didn't get my tattoo BECAUSE OF him but rather, i incorporated a piece of him into it because of what he helped me accomplish during a very hard time in my life. I knew full well what i was doing when those words became part of my design. I spent a significant amount of time thinking of and designing my tattoo and i remember saying that, "Even if we aren't together, i won't regret getting this because he was there at a significant time in my life and that's what this symbolizes. Whether we stay together or not is something different because i know that i will always love him and i won't regret it".So there's my answer i guess. Would i erase everything and never remember?.. no. There's always something to learn and to grow from.
If you would erase a moment or a person or a relationship then how much of your life would you not have ever experienced?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
I Hate Mondays.
I really do hate Mondays. It started out nice but really fizzled towards the middle and now that it's ending i'm really upset with my day overall. I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon. I really like waking up in the afternoons. It's quiet and relaxing. All the morning buzz is gone but it's still too early for school children to be coming home and making noise and being obnoxious. It's really a nice time of the day for me. I was supposed to see the bestie today.. didn't happen. I didn't do my one errand I had planned for today but that's because I just didn't care after that. I watched old episodes of Grey's Anatomy.. some of my favorites though. Oddly enough, it's the one I always cry at but, i like it anyway. Then my mom came home and i pretty much just wasted my day waiting to leave for dog sitting. Don't get me wrong, my job is fabulous and i know i'm very lucky to have it but.. being here at 6 every night and just hanging by myself with the dogs can be very.. trying emotionally. I've been doing this since the end of May and i'm still not done. I love love love my alone time but... this has been an abundance of it and it's really starting to wear down on me.
I'm alone.
The point of my soon-to-come separation from the bf was to help reestablish myself on my own. Live on my own instead of as a couple. So.. i'm already starting to do this. I go out with whomever and do whatever and don't have to answer for it. This is really nice and something i like very much. What i don't like is having nothing to do. If i ever had nothing to do, it was usually at the bf's house and we would do nothing together; youtube, netflix online, etc. Essentially waste time together. But now i have to waste time alone if i can't see my friends or my bestie. I always text Mr. Marine but texting all the time does leave moments where we have nothing to talk about so we cease conversing for an hour or two until we're both bored and text about how bored we are. In the case of Army Boy, well, he's ten hours ahead which makes conversation a little bit hard as well. My day time is his night time and vise versa. Staying up all night is the only way we can talk or if i happen to be awake early in the morning because then it's about 9 or 10 at night his time. This means that most of my day i go without talking to him. Also, his internet isn't very reliable and he kind of works during his days (my nights) so.. it's unrealistic trying to have a set schedule with him.
What bothers me the most about all that i've just said is, it's easy to just say "go out and do something". But what the hell am i supposed to do? I'd love to go to a baking class or an art and crafts class of some sort, but that takes money and i'm ridiculously short on that. So that's out. Why don't i read? Well, why would i do that in my free time when i can do that while i'm sitting the dogs? Why don't i go work out? I can only work out so much before i'm bored and even that only takes up an hour and a half. That leaves the rest of my day. I absolutely love television! But even that now is starting to bore me. I used to draw. And paint. I've lost all my ability though since i haven't kept up the training. I can't reteach myself proper proportions and technique unless i have a guide to show me and i can't afford a teacher right now, either. What to do, what to do, what the fuck to do?... Doesn't help that a huge chunk of my night is confined to a house.
I went skinny dipping today. That was a fun experience because i'd never done it before. Couldn't help wish that it would've been a ridiculous TnA moment though. I think i'm just scared that what will happen is, i will be alone for most of my time being single and it wont be enjoyable and to the full extent that i'm hoping it will be. What's the point in having skinning dipping moments if there's no one there to make it fun?
Overall today just stunk and i'm really bummed that i honestly have nothing to do with my life. I feel like my friends have jobs and are busy and are doing fun things and i'm just me with only myself and i'll be stuck that way...
I'm alone.
The point of my soon-to-come separation from the bf was to help reestablish myself on my own. Live on my own instead of as a couple. So.. i'm already starting to do this. I go out with whomever and do whatever and don't have to answer for it. This is really nice and something i like very much. What i don't like is having nothing to do. If i ever had nothing to do, it was usually at the bf's house and we would do nothing together; youtube, netflix online, etc. Essentially waste time together. But now i have to waste time alone if i can't see my friends or my bestie. I always text Mr. Marine but texting all the time does leave moments where we have nothing to talk about so we cease conversing for an hour or two until we're both bored and text about how bored we are. In the case of Army Boy, well, he's ten hours ahead which makes conversation a little bit hard as well. My day time is his night time and vise versa. Staying up all night is the only way we can talk or if i happen to be awake early in the morning because then it's about 9 or 10 at night his time. This means that most of my day i go without talking to him. Also, his internet isn't very reliable and he kind of works during his days (my nights) so.. it's unrealistic trying to have a set schedule with him.
What bothers me the most about all that i've just said is, it's easy to just say "go out and do something". But what the hell am i supposed to do? I'd love to go to a baking class or an art and crafts class of some sort, but that takes money and i'm ridiculously short on that. So that's out. Why don't i read? Well, why would i do that in my free time when i can do that while i'm sitting the dogs? Why don't i go work out? I can only work out so much before i'm bored and even that only takes up an hour and a half. That leaves the rest of my day. I absolutely love television! But even that now is starting to bore me. I used to draw. And paint. I've lost all my ability though since i haven't kept up the training. I can't reteach myself proper proportions and technique unless i have a guide to show me and i can't afford a teacher right now, either. What to do, what to do, what the fuck to do?... Doesn't help that a huge chunk of my night is confined to a house.
I went skinny dipping today. That was a fun experience because i'd never done it before. Couldn't help wish that it would've been a ridiculous TnA moment though. I think i'm just scared that what will happen is, i will be alone for most of my time being single and it wont be enjoyable and to the full extent that i'm hoping it will be. What's the point in having skinning dipping moments if there's no one there to make it fun?
Overall today just stunk and i'm really bummed that i honestly have nothing to do with my life. I feel like my friends have jobs and are busy and are doing fun things and i'm just me with only myself and i'll be stuck that way...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunny Side Up
I know I've been absent from the blog for a few days. I'm trying to think back on why but the last few days have been a blur. What was I doing? Anyway, it's Sunday (technically Monday but I haven't slept yet which still makes it Sunday to me) which means, it's time to reflect on my week and find the things or moments or people I'm thankful for.
Although there has been some drama from Mr. Marine, I am very thankful for him. Earlier this week we discussed that our relationship would go no further than being friends. It brought us closer in the sense that we can talk about basically anything no matter how hard it is to hear. It pushed us farther in the sense that he doesn't feel he can talk to me about certain things. It's a catch 22 and I've decided to look on the bright side of this situation. He's here for me to talk to and our friendship means the world to me. In spite of this, he took me out to an amazing dinner overlooking Redondo beach waters lit up by the restaurant we were at and then took me to see a movie. He bought me two little books of cute puppies and quotes because he saw them and thought of me. He brightened up my day because he knew I really needed someone. He was there.. is there for me, and for this I love him and what he' s brought into my life.
Twice this week I had sleepovers. One was with my bestie, Drien. Our girl night plans got canceled but we made our own plans. We ate horribly fattening food, did her dance fitness moves, did some weight stuff, watched tv, laughed, did each others makeup... it was so fun and something we both needed. The next sleepover was with my girl crush. We got trashed and watched Toy Story 1 & 2 and had ice cream with hot fudge, caramel and brownies. It was amazing. These two nights of not having a care in the world was really refreshing.
Something I didn't realize until today because I have tonight off from dog sitting.. I'm really thankful I'm home. I really don't like my house or being home but, being away from my bed and my mom and my cats for so long has made me really miss them. I was a little annoyed that my mom called to whine at me that I wasn't home yet but as soon as I got home, I just rested my head on her shoulder and it felt nice to be home again. Made some mac 'n cheese and ate it while having movie time with the parental unit.. it was really nice and I'm thankful I have her. Because even though she spotted my tattoo tonight, she didn't get mad and watched the movie with me anyway. What a nice lady she is. I love her.
These are just a few of the moments I'm thankful for...
Although there has been some drama from Mr. Marine, I am very thankful for him. Earlier this week we discussed that our relationship would go no further than being friends. It brought us closer in the sense that we can talk about basically anything no matter how hard it is to hear. It pushed us farther in the sense that he doesn't feel he can talk to me about certain things. It's a catch 22 and I've decided to look on the bright side of this situation. He's here for me to talk to and our friendship means the world to me. In spite of this, he took me out to an amazing dinner overlooking Redondo beach waters lit up by the restaurant we were at and then took me to see a movie. He bought me two little books of cute puppies and quotes because he saw them and thought of me. He brightened up my day because he knew I really needed someone. He was there.. is there for me, and for this I love him and what he' s brought into my life.
Twice this week I had sleepovers. One was with my bestie, Drien. Our girl night plans got canceled but we made our own plans. We ate horribly fattening food, did her dance fitness moves, did some weight stuff, watched tv, laughed, did each others makeup... it was so fun and something we both needed. The next sleepover was with my girl crush. We got trashed and watched Toy Story 1 & 2 and had ice cream with hot fudge, caramel and brownies. It was amazing. These two nights of not having a care in the world was really refreshing.
Something I didn't realize until today because I have tonight off from dog sitting.. I'm really thankful I'm home. I really don't like my house or being home but, being away from my bed and my mom and my cats for so long has made me really miss them. I was a little annoyed that my mom called to whine at me that I wasn't home yet but as soon as I got home, I just rested my head on her shoulder and it felt nice to be home again. Made some mac 'n cheese and ate it while having movie time with the parental unit.. it was really nice and I'm thankful I have her. Because even though she spotted my tattoo tonight, she didn't get mad and watched the movie with me anyway. What a nice lady she is. I love her.
These are just a few of the moments I'm thankful for...
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Five Foto Friday
So I'm stealing this idea from Melissa's blog, So About What I Said. She's really inspirational. I can read her words over and over and always find something new to take away from them. I love this idea of, how i feel in five photos and decided that even though it's not Friday, i wanted to do it anyway because... I'm happy.
Perfection.
Perfection is...
Sleeping in until 11.
It's going out to lunch with your best friend in the entire world and forgetting about anyone else.
Helping one another put on fake tattoos and laughing so loud in the bathroom that people stare at you on the way out.
Perfection is going to the mall and understanding code words, buying things that are outside your box because she knows best, having the feeling that no one in the world understands you this well...
Understanding each other without words.
It's having a second family that's not blood related.
Perfection is my best friend, Andreina.
Today I had a perfect day.
Sleeping in until 11.
It's going out to lunch with your best friend in the entire world and forgetting about anyone else.
Helping one another put on fake tattoos and laughing so loud in the bathroom that people stare at you on the way out.
Perfection is going to the mall and understanding code words, buying things that are outside your box because she knows best, having the feeling that no one in the world understands you this well...
Understanding each other without words.
It's having a second family that's not blood related.
Perfection is my best friend, Andreina.
Today I had a perfect day.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Sleepless...
laid down softly
i see through dark eyes.
are they open?
will they stay closed?
i feel heavy as small droplets flow from my face
soaking through fabric.
i'm in an ocean.
not floating...
i'm sinking.
tired and heavy i walk through this dream.
the lights in the pitch black only blind me.
a direction?
there is none to be had.
i clench and release.
clench.
release.
every last trace is real...
my fingers remember.
of course, how could i forget?
deeper and deeper i breathe,
farther and farther do i sink until
at last..
bottom.
i see through dark eyes.
are they open?
will they stay closed?
i feel heavy as small droplets flow from my face
soaking through fabric.
i'm in an ocean.
not floating...
i'm sinking.
tired and heavy i walk through this dream.
the lights in the pitch black only blind me.
a direction?
there is none to be had.
i clench and release.
clench.
release.
every last trace is real...
my fingers remember.
of course, how could i forget?
deeper and deeper i breathe,
farther and farther do i sink until
at last..
bottom.
Monday, June 7, 2010
I am Stumbling.. I Shall Not Fall
I am trying very very hard to not drown. It seems that every time i try to take a piece of something good and put it in my pocket for later, i'm not able to use it. It slips through my fingers and i'm back to feeling as if i have nothing to be thankful for.I'm trying not to say, "it's hard" and give up on myself. But it hurts. What else is there to say? I'm tired of hurting about the same thing over and over. A broken record in my head of events that were ruined, words that broke a perfect day, answers that seem to not come... a looming day that i don't want to face.
I don't want to give up on myself. I don't want to chicken out. But i also don't know how to feel or act anymore. I think i'd rather not feel and think than play that same old record. That's both a good and bad decision i suppose. It seems i've taken many deep breaths and i'm not calm. Many headaches today...
We had an awkward day today. A mutual friend of ours was over so of course that was.. nice. Then when it was just us things changed. I was reserved, and although he was trying to be pleasant with me, i just wasn't having it. I honestly don't really know why i feel so uncomfortable now. Ate dinner and started to watch a movie and for some reason or another it was paused and our conversation began...
He asked me why i can't say i love him anymore, how i felt about him, how i felt about this particular thing or that particular thing, if we're still dating (to which i replied, "is that what you want to call this?" so i think our status isn't even dating anymore. it's like Limbo). Most of these questions i couldn't really answer so i just stared at our fishtank; at my new little baby starfish and my new slug Hubert. I felt relieved when enough time had passed so i could say i needed to go to work. As i gathered my things, i got on the topic of me wanting my paitings/drawings back. His eyes filled with tears and i felt like a horrible person for even asking. "Well that's not very confidence inspiring.." was the response i received to my inquiry; another blow. I also gave him back his dog's name tag (when he died i put it on my keychain).
As he walked me to my car and stood in front of my open door, he apologized. Why? "For not making you happier". Damn. How much can one girl take in the span of five minutes?.. and as i started to drive away the tears fell no matter how much i didn't want them to. It's not like i don't remember every precious moment we've had together. I felt, well feel, guilty that i started this "situation" business but, during our conversation i made a comment to something he said; something along the lines of "well it's not like i chose this because it's fun". i think i was retaliating and basically saying i made this decision because of his actions...
So this brings my mental record to a full circle. i hate this situation we're in but i did it because of you.. but i plan on sticking with my decision. If how i deal with a situation and the pain it brings is what defines me, then i hope i can say i'm a strong person even though i'm complaining.
In spite of the many tears i've shed today, i'm not giving up on what i think to be the best decision for everyone involved and ultimately the best decision for me.
To leave off this depressing post, here's a quote from Andreina that's been running through my head since she said it last night.. it's been my little piece of color in my gray day.
.: I wish we could pay for things in kisses
and make down payments in hugs:.
He asked me why i can't say i love him anymore, how i felt about him, how i felt about this particular thing or that particular thing, if we're still dating (to which i replied, "is that what you want to call this?" so i think our status isn't even dating anymore. it's like Limbo). Most of these questions i couldn't really answer so i just stared at our fishtank; at my new little baby starfish and my new slug Hubert. I felt relieved when enough time had passed so i could say i needed to go to work. As i gathered my things, i got on the topic of me wanting my paitings/drawings back. His eyes filled with tears and i felt like a horrible person for even asking. "Well that's not very confidence inspiring.." was the response i received to my inquiry; another blow. I also gave him back his dog's name tag (when he died i put it on my keychain).
As he walked me to my car and stood in front of my open door, he apologized. Why? "For not making you happier". Damn. How much can one girl take in the span of five minutes?.. and as i started to drive away the tears fell no matter how much i didn't want them to. It's not like i don't remember every precious moment we've had together. I felt, well feel, guilty that i started this "situation" business but, during our conversation i made a comment to something he said; something along the lines of "well it's not like i chose this because it's fun". i think i was retaliating and basically saying i made this decision because of his actions...
So this brings my mental record to a full circle. i hate this situation we're in but i did it because of you.. but i plan on sticking with my decision. If how i deal with a situation and the pain it brings is what defines me, then i hope i can say i'm a strong person even though i'm complaining.
In spite of the many tears i've shed today, i'm not giving up on what i think to be the best decision for everyone involved and ultimately the best decision for me.
To leave off this depressing post, here's a quote from Andreina that's been running through my head since she said it last night.. it's been my little piece of color in my gray day.
.: I wish we could pay for things in kisses
and make down payments in hugs:.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Sunny Side Up
so, after that long vent, i've had many things that have made me happy and have made me look at the SUNNY SIDE of the last few days. now, usually Andreina is the one that is happy all the time and has to remind me to look for the silver lining but, i think i need to start doing this on my own sooo....
for starters, Army Boy had me listen to a song that he said reminds him of me and the past few days i've been playing it over and over. it's really sweet and with my medical situation, my relationship situation and Army Boy being gone for what seems like forever.. it just makes me smile.
next happy topic? you're gonna love this one! my girl crush :) i've known her for a few years as she is the girlfriend to one of my friends. she's two years younger than me, blonde, blue eyes, girly girl and kinda ditsy sometimes, but i totally love her and wish she was mine. we hung out on friday and got drunk and watched girly shows all night. it was really fun and relaxing and something i really needed. never underestimate the power of seeing people you haven't for months and months.
what else? i feel like there was so much to talk about and now that i'm typing i'm drawing a total blank. hmm.... oh! rewind back to Army Boy. i was informed that he may be getting out earlier than expected. like, a few months earlier. i felt so sick on friday on my way to the doctors and then i received that text message and felt instantly better. goes to show you.. mind over matter. you just need the right motivation.
next is Redondo Beach. i hang out with Mr. Marine in redondo and i'm never disappointed after leaving there. my mood lightens the whole 40 minute trek i take up there and even though i'm sad that i have to come home, i'm always happy with my day overall. it was an extremely cold and overcast morning, which i love. we wasted an hour or so on the couch looking up random stuff on youtube and then decided to get lunch at Olive Garden. (as Drein will agree, that is our ultimate feel good place to eat.) then he and i watched some movies. apparently in Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, there's a look that the mommy T-Rex gives to Sid that is like the look i give sometimes haha! so there's another silver lining. my friend was reminded of me in a silly movie and now that movie will mean a 'lil something special to us from now on.
these are just a few of the moments i'm thankful for and of course, the people that i've shared these moments with. it's very easy to only see the bad in something and forget the good. when you look hard enough, you'll probably have more good moments than bad ones. it's just the decision to actively pay attention to the good ones that can make or break you
for starters, Army Boy had me listen to a song that he said reminds him of me and the past few days i've been playing it over and over. it's really sweet and with my medical situation, my relationship situation and Army Boy being gone for what seems like forever.. it just makes me smile.
next happy topic? you're gonna love this one! my girl crush :) i've known her for a few years as she is the girlfriend to one of my friends. she's two years younger than me, blonde, blue eyes, girly girl and kinda ditsy sometimes, but i totally love her and wish she was mine. we hung out on friday and got drunk and watched girly shows all night. it was really fun and relaxing and something i really needed. never underestimate the power of seeing people you haven't for months and months.
what else? i feel like there was so much to talk about and now that i'm typing i'm drawing a total blank. hmm.... oh! rewind back to Army Boy. i was informed that he may be getting out earlier than expected. like, a few months earlier. i felt so sick on friday on my way to the doctors and then i received that text message and felt instantly better. goes to show you.. mind over matter. you just need the right motivation.
next is Redondo Beach. i hang out with Mr. Marine in redondo and i'm never disappointed after leaving there. my mood lightens the whole 40 minute trek i take up there and even though i'm sad that i have to come home, i'm always happy with my day overall. it was an extremely cold and overcast morning, which i love. we wasted an hour or so on the couch looking up random stuff on youtube and then decided to get lunch at Olive Garden. (as Drein will agree, that is our ultimate feel good place to eat.) then he and i watched some movies. apparently in Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, there's a look that the mommy T-Rex gives to Sid that is like the look i give sometimes haha! so there's another silver lining. my friend was reminded of me in a silly movie and now that movie will mean a 'lil something special to us from now on.these are just a few of the moments i'm thankful for and of course, the people that i've shared these moments with. it's very easy to only see the bad in something and forget the good. when you look hard enough, you'll probably have more good moments than bad ones. it's just the decision to actively pay attention to the good ones that can make or break you
Thursday, June 3, 2010
i need to vent a lil...
today i slept a lot. i haven't been feeling well for a few days now, and yesterday i destroyed my abs in the gym so my body is all around uncomfortable right now. on top of that, i'm emotionally and mentally drained.
i feel myself drifting farther away from the bf but, that's my own fault really. i don't know if i'm preparing myself for the end of the month, if i just don't want to deal with the situation right now..? my mood just changed. i guess it doesn't help that he's jealous that i've made friends with Mr. Marine. we're like best friends now. he gets me and it's ridiculous how alike we are. i love seeing him every weekend because i feel better... buuuuut, i have been talking to Army Boy alot lately as well. i know him from elementary/middle school and he kind of disappeared for a while. then one day he just looked me up and we've been talking pretty much every day ever since. he takes my mind off my troubles, he makes me laugh, he's there when i need him.. and yes, i'll admit, i do have strong feelings for him. i do take him into account for why i'm a bit distant with the bf as of late. ( i know a lot of service guys by the by).
anyway, Army Boy isn't the reason i'm in need of venting. or even my bf situation, which does bother me a lot though. it's that, i did some things today that should make me feel good and i don't.
normally, when i'm in a shit mood, i bake. i love to bake, and cook.. it's my dream to one day have my career as a sex therapist and come home and make dinner and dessert from scratch. in heels. pearls or some type of fine jewelry. and lingerie
but today, i baked blueberry streusel muffins and afterwards, i still felt unhappy. i'm always happy after i bake. well, i guess i can't say always anymore. so, this is the first instance.
the second is, i helped a creature of nature. i was out walking the dogs and i came across a little bird on the sidewalk. it was being covered with ants so i scooped up the little bird, who had the softest baby feathers, and i took him back to the house. i got bitten by the ants too. that actually really hurts. so i looked up on google about what to do because i certainly didn't want him to die. thats not something i need to deal with right now. google told me to put it in a container lined with paper towels and put it back where i found it. the amount of feathers indicated that it was learning how to fly and wasn't very good at it so he landed on the ground but that the mother would still continue to feed it outside the nest. and so, thats what i did. but why didn't it make me feel better? i did the right thing. the parents surrounded me when i returned with him so i know he'll be okay. but why don't i feel better about doing the right thing?
maybe i should take my own advice and interpret my feelings as a sign. even though i know i'm doing the right thing, it will be like honesty; the best policy but not always the easiest action to carry out. is it too much to ask to see how everything turns out...?
For You.
i'm writing this before i go to bed because i know that if i try to sleep with this in me, it will not happen. for now, this is the best i can do at describing something that makes me feel so intensely. it's like playing with fire and all you can say is, it was hot and scorched me because trying to describe what fire feels like is impossible. this is the fire inside me...
there are no words to accurately depict
this way you have of making me feel so...
raw.
open.
exposed.
the whole world can see right into me.
through my eyes they know how
deeply.
madly.
wholeheartedly i have fallen for you
when i hear your voice i imagine us.
intensely.
deeply.
passionately together.
you push my being to new limits.
i had no knowledge of the innermost parts of myself.
you reached inside.
you changed me.
i can hear your breathing. deep and slow.
i can feel your body against mine. your heaviness comforts me.
i can't seem to hold you tight enough as my fingers dig into you.
your hands deep in my hair. i know you feel the same.
our lips touch. softly at first. deeper and deeper we kiss...
i'm lost in you and wish this moment to never end
this way you have of making me feel so...
raw.
open.
exposed.
the whole world can see right into me.
through my eyes they know how
deeply.
madly.
wholeheartedly i have fallen for you
when i hear your voice i imagine us.
intensely.
deeply.
passionately together.
you push my being to new limits.
i had no knowledge of the innermost parts of myself.
you reached inside.
you changed me.
i can hear your breathing. deep and slow.
i can feel your body against mine. your heaviness comforts me.
i can't seem to hold you tight enough as my fingers dig into you.
your hands deep in my hair. i know you feel the same.
our lips touch. softly at first. deeper and deeper we kiss...
i'm lost in you and wish this moment to never end
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Chateau le Pooch.. trust your gut
so, i'm at work. well, not really my work, it's my old work and sometimes i fill in for my boss up in the front when she's out of town or not feeling well. i've been here since 9 this morning and... IM BORED.
i was reminded today about how important it is to trust your instincts. if you think you have premonitions or signs about the future, you should probably listen to yourself. especially if you're a girl.. it's innate and important. and if you went to an all girls school like i did then you rely on it more than ever. so, here's how it went down:
i had a dream last night about an old friend of mine. she's a pretty good singer. an indie type girl. we used to be friends and then one day she decided that she was better and smarter than me. basically she turned into a bitch and hung out with other and older people. of course, whenever she needed something she took advantage of my good nature. what can i say? even though i'm a hardcore bitch sometimes, i'm still good natured at heart. anyway, i dreamt that we were having a fight about school. kind of an intellectual conversation that got out of hand and then, while she was walking in front of me in the crosswalk, i killed her. simple. to the point. and then it ended
now i get to work this morning and deal with customers etc etc. i have a chance to check messages on the phone and of course, there's a message from the groomer (who had been my neighbor for sixteen years, i was a nanny to her five children and then one day she just decided she didn't want to work with me anymore). she called the shop at 7:30 (instead of calling the shop owner herself) and left a message saying that she couldn't come in. so, we have dogs ready to be groomed and no groomer. took all the strength i had not to call and cuss her out. you can't demand respect and wonder why everyone hates you and doesn't want to answer your calls and then go do something disrespectful like that. so i called around and got another groomer to fill in.. and then she calls!! she wants to talk to me. seriously? no thanks. i didn't answer the phone. she called again. didn't answer.
moral of my dream and morning drama... i dreamt i killed an old friend. the groomer used to be a friend and now i want to kill her. coincidence? i think not. if i had seriously thought about my dream this morning, i would've prepared myself for something lurking in the future. i sat here for a while today and thought to myself, "why is it that i figure out what i mean after it happens?"
so, take a second and think about what you dreamt the night before or about some random thought that comes to mind because it'll save you time in the end
i was reminded today about how important it is to trust your instincts. if you think you have premonitions or signs about the future, you should probably listen to yourself. especially if you're a girl.. it's innate and important. and if you went to an all girls school like i did then you rely on it more than ever. so, here's how it went down:
i had a dream last night about an old friend of mine. she's a pretty good singer. an indie type girl. we used to be friends and then one day she decided that she was better and smarter than me. basically she turned into a bitch and hung out with other and older people. of course, whenever she needed something she took advantage of my good nature. what can i say? even though i'm a hardcore bitch sometimes, i'm still good natured at heart. anyway, i dreamt that we were having a fight about school. kind of an intellectual conversation that got out of hand and then, while she was walking in front of me in the crosswalk, i killed her. simple. to the point. and then it ended
now i get to work this morning and deal with customers etc etc. i have a chance to check messages on the phone and of course, there's a message from the groomer (who had been my neighbor for sixteen years, i was a nanny to her five children and then one day she just decided she didn't want to work with me anymore). she called the shop at 7:30 (instead of calling the shop owner herself) and left a message saying that she couldn't come in. so, we have dogs ready to be groomed and no groomer. took all the strength i had not to call and cuss her out. you can't demand respect and wonder why everyone hates you and doesn't want to answer your calls and then go do something disrespectful like that. so i called around and got another groomer to fill in.. and then she calls!! she wants to talk to me. seriously? no thanks. i didn't answer the phone. she called again. didn't answer.
moral of my dream and morning drama... i dreamt i killed an old friend. the groomer used to be a friend and now i want to kill her. coincidence? i think not. if i had seriously thought about my dream this morning, i would've prepared myself for something lurking in the future. i sat here for a while today and thought to myself, "why is it that i figure out what i mean after it happens?"
so, take a second and think about what you dreamt the night before or about some random thought that comes to mind because it'll save you time in the end
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