Blood Isn't Thicker Than Water...

a person is out of my life..forever?... depends how long i can hold on to my grudge i guess. and if you haven't figured me out a little by now then i'll tell you, i can hang on to a grudge for years.

my day starts off well..

i sleep in. i got around 11 hours of sleep. alot i know but i was dead tired. i go to my internship for a few hours. i now intern at an assisted living facility for seniors. not my first choice but eh..seems fun. after that i had plans to go to redondo and hang out with Mr. Marine. it was supposed to be a great night because i haven't seen the poor kid in around three months! that's a long time and so the night was supposed to be ours, be fun..!

but it wasn't..

not too long into my being over there i get a phone call to ask if i'm cheating. that's right..cheating. i have to walk out of the grocery store and i'm screaming cuss words in the parking lot over the phone to the bf because, frankly, i'm pissed that "someone" has accused me of doing this. after a whole year of this drama, am i really going to waste time and cheat? NO! i would just break up and sleep with Army Boy. so i have to explain myself, that i'm not cheating and if i wanted to sleep with him then i just would and wouldn't waste my time sneaking around. ask repeatedly who and the response i get is.."the people living with you". this means alena. can't remember if i've mentioned her or not but if i haven't, she's my brother's girlfriend who moved back from russia and is now living with me and who is annoying.


soooo great, she's spreading shit about me for some reason. i don't know why..but great. i've known her since fifth grade. she was like a big sister..great. what a bitch.


go back into the store crying, explain what happened yadda yadda. over the next few hours my mom texts me to see what's going on. i tell her to stay out of it. finally some peace from my phone but, my head won't shut up. and my heart won't stop beating fast. for hours it wouldn't stop racing. so around 10:30 i leave redondo, take the forty minute drive back down and i go to see Army Boy because obviously i don't want to go home. he's such a doll... took me on a surprise drive to Sonic around midnight for a red velvet cake shake. DELISH!!! we talk a bit about random meaningless funny stuff and then go to his place to watch an episode of dexter.

he cheered me up a bit.

3am...i should go home. i get home and my brother and his dumb gf are sleeping in my bed. turn on my light and say "get the fuck out". i say it enough times and loud enough that my mom wakes up..by this point i'm cussing with every word in the book (i don't normally use the "c" word but i did this time) and i start going off about how they're disrespectful in thinking they could go behind my back and talk to my boyfriend about what they think is going on. how my brother gets high everyday and his life sucks, how she has no right to stir up trouble, i want her out of my room and not sleep here anymore, how my business is..MY BUSINESS! how i never got involved and poked my nose around their relationship when it failed the first two times, how i was always there for him when she crapped all over him the first time, etc etc etc. then my brother tried to leave with the last word and i totally stomped all over him for it...

i gave them what they deserved and they had no choice but to take it. because i was right and they were wrong. completely.

my mom, to my surprise, let me rant and cuss and you know what... she was on my side. she thought that if there were any concerns they should have been addressed to me personally and my relationship with the bf was my business to be dealt with. and actually, she was on Army Boy's side too. she basically said something along the lines of "if he (the bf) wants to bury his head and not know anything about (Army Boy) then that should show you something. when i told you you didn't have to chose, you really didn't. if your relationship is worth salvaging then he should be big enough to understand that you need your friend and stop being mad about it".

and she's right. i was honest about what i was doing and shouldn't be made to feel otherwise. i'm getting my life together with school, work, my internship and trying my hardest to start my relationship off on the right foot. i'm not taking shit from anyone and if the bf doesn't see it that way, then what can i do about it? nothing.

but for right now i've won. i've handed their asses to them on a platter and taken no prisoners with what i've said. ruthless, cut-throat... and i'm proud of myself.

Deeper, Murkier Waters

what i said about being in murky waters and not treading further in them... ya, this seems to be tougher than i thought.

one thinks, "i can overcome obstacles in front of me. i can be the bigger person. do what's right". This is what i know i should do but each time i'm tested, the thoughts in my head are blatantly evident on my face. the struggle between my two halves overwhelms me and i do nothing. i do nothing because causing a scene or an awkward moment isn't something that i like to do so i avoid it as much as possible. which is wrong. i should do something about the situation so i can prevent it from happening over and over. each time it gets harder and soon, i'm afraid, if i don't stop going..i'll drown. when you drown, you can't ever get your life back.

this isn't something that i want. and maybe at the same time, it is. but it's definitely not the person i am or want to be...


how do i do what's right without making too much of a splash?

Be Good, Have Fun, Get an "A", Come Home! - Sunny Side Up

these are the words that my mom used to say to me everyday when she dropped me off at elementary school. then she'd drive off and we'd wave the "i Love you" sign to each other.. that's how i started everyday.

i kind of miss it now.

tomorrow starts a new semester. my first semester as a senior if i'm correct. this is my last year for many things, the most important of which is being at home. by the end of the year i plan to be graduated, achieve my BA and move out. yay!! move out for more schooling BUT it's moving out nonetheless. i have high hopes for what tomorrow brings-- school wise that is.

tomorrow i know that the bf will be at school all day and i'll see Army Boy all day. secretly, as our relationship isn't necessarily secret but it's just not talked about. what i don't know is if the first step into tomorrow will start my day off well or not.

there are many things that are unsaid. how my bestie is doing. we haven't talked much. she's busy and trying to deal with her own things and it's the same for me. but this semester we have 3 out of 5 classes together so hopefully we can get back on track. not only that, i'm starting to have feelings re-surface and i need to keep them in check. today maybe some boundaries may have been smudged and, although it's a gray area, that doesn't mean it's smart to swim in murky waters.

so much to deal with and really... i'm not prepared. ah well... i'll just remember what my mom said and see where that takes me.

Neverending Story

nothing can describe this inescapable feeling i have.
but maybe it simply is that...
nothing.

nothing to gain. nothing to show. nothing to have. nothing to hold.
the nothing that keeps me awake at night.
the nothing that is hidden in darkness,
and the nothing that is slept away in daylight.

breathing that hurts with every breath in because it's the nothing inside that's let out.
the nothing inside.
all that remains from what was given up.

the nothing that was meant to be.

Elephants In the Room

"The time has come", the walrus said, "to talk of other things..."

He had the right idea. Poor execution, eating the oysters and all, but still, it's the thought that counts. I feel I know his downfall.

I would like to talk about other things but first things first...the elephants in the room. I have been MIA for around three months. Alot has happened, but I still succumbed to what makes me me and I ate all the oysters. Delicious at the time but maybe a bit premature...? And by this I mean, the outcome to my fairy tale.


Synopsis... I got back together with the ex. My mother's birthday was the 1st of december. A party was held on the 4th and a few days later we were back together. The ultimatum was drawing to a close and I decided (after a weekend of having family gawk over him) that maybe I wasn't ready to give up. That maybe if I were to be with Army Boy that I would think about the ex, end up hurting Army Boy more than I already was and that was bad. So to spare that, we got back together. Everything was fine until not too long ago. I kept my distance from Army Boy but one night it changed. I got drunk because I was angry, went to see Army Boy because he knows how to calm me down and make me sane..and then I started to remember why I loved him in the first place. Not to mention that we are still friends. I was upfront and honest that I wasn't willing to give my friendship up. He was my door when I needed one to be opened and there's no way I felt I could turn my back on him.


During the last few months was finals as well and multiple times of getting sick. Stress, stress, stress...and more stress. I'm not the healthiest person so I've been really beaten down.

On top of that, there's a certain part of myself that the ex and I don't discuss but it's something I need and desire. I tried to talk about it tonight with him and I feel like crap. It took all the strength I had not to text Army Boy for comfort. It seems I'm in a pickle.

Did I decide too soon? Did I eat the oysters too fast before I found out if I was allergic?

I really miss blogging..I miss the clear head I felt like I had (if even for a few seconds). I thought that the month of break I had from school I could use to just be with myself but all I do is sleep, sleep, sleep. It's nearly 6am and I haven't gone to bed yet.

Does anyone else feel like they wish they had all the answers already?