Rotten on the Inside

so now im in washington and tonight my sister and i were talking about the drama down at home. i filled her in with whats happening with my brother and it lead into me and Mr. Big. she said we were fighting over Mr. Big and he shouldn't be coming in between our relationship because we really were so close. i of course don't see it that way. i see it as my alena's fault for being a crazy bitch who needs meds and my bros fault for choosing her over me. but this isn't what's bothering me

what's bothering me is what my sister said about me concerning Mr. Big. it's something i already know and have said it myself but i think it made a really big impact because it was coming from her. i almost started to cry

it's hard to see yourself how other people see you

she said that i treat Mr. Big like crap. i'm don't treat him very well and to his fault he sticks around for it and basically asks for it. i've told him this...he can't really match me in terms of attitude. i'm a strong willed person and i'm bitchy and i sort of just plow over him. i don't necessarily mean to, it just happens....but that's why everyone is always on his side. i don't even think i'm being too terrible and other people see me differently.


i kno i'm stubborn and not flexible in regards to how things should be...and my temper isn't always under check. i need to work on it. but then i can't help forget that it always seems to be the same thing over and over again between me and him. i've seriously lost alot of respect for him in that regard. he has many wonderful qualities and he's a very giving and loving person. he's a genuinely good hearted person and that's why everyone is always on his side. because i'm seen as the bad person. no one ever sees it from my side that he isn't always a perfect person...

what i'm getting at is, it's been years of the same thing. i think it's just the kind of couple we make. and i don't like that fact. i don't treat him respectfully and i dont like the person i become. it's not fair to either of us. if he would want to stay with someone who doesn't fully respect him then that makes him stupid too. i don't want to be that person everyone hates...the one that his friends tell him he shouldn't be dating because i'm a bitch...

i'm not a very pretty person to others i think. i'm not kind. respectful. caring...


i don't want to be this person and it sucks that my sister said it to me