i can't sleep

lately i've been having trouble sleeping. i don't get to sleep until 2 or 3 and then i only get about 8 or 9 hours of sleep. i know that may seem like alot but really for me 9 to 10 is better. anyway..

i guess i just need to sort some stuff out in my head. but really, it's just about my recent covos with Army Boy and Mr. Big (haha that still makes me laugh i re-nicknamed him that). both are pretty intense, but i guess the most intense is the one with Army Boy so i'll save that for last.

The other night i was talking with Mr. Big and it was over the whole girl issue. I told him that i felt it was only fair for me to tell him about what i'm thinking and going through because of our how our relationship is. so "undefined". basically it was that i want something tangible. and i say tangible because physical implies that i'm only looking for a sexual relationship of sorts when that's kind of the opposite of what i'm looking for. i think tangible implies more that i have something solid to feel. in myself at least. because whenever i was with LoLo and we would kiss or whatever, i know what it made me feel afterwards but it was never my choice to start or stop anything. it was always her choice. so i told him i want to have something tangible because, yes i would like to kiss or cuddle or watever, i don't necessarily even want sex.

he basically told me that if i actually were to do anything with another girl he would be hurt because of the fact that our relationship is so unclear at the moment. which i understand but...they're my feelings. it's my life. it's getting to the point where it's a slight ache. i think that's more over Lo but it's really starting to feel like i need to do something about how i feel. it may not be a day to day thing, but u can bet that during class i'm constantly thinking about her, or how our actions led me to how i feel now, etc. anyway, basically he said "thanks" that i kept him informed because, above other things, it's at the very least that he'll offer his friendship and be there for me if i needed it. he also said that he wants to have a talk about his plans for the future, obviously about "us". i'm so far removed from that though because of my vacation next month. i'm going to be gone a WHOLE MONTH AND FIVE DAYS! i've never been gone that long.

and truly, i'm scared to come back. which leads me into my next convo i had with Army Boy.

the other day i was out shopping with drein and long story short, i told Army Boy that i was letting drein borrow him because there are things she will do that i won't. now, of course i was joking, and the more we joked the funnier it got. but at a certain point it just stopped being funny and bordered serious. then it crossed the border and actually was serious. i hate it when that happens. anyway, he asked me if i was really serious about "sharing" him. and of course i gave what i think is the appropriate answer..."i can't tell you what to do and not to do". which i think is valid but he thinks is total b.s.


so for over half an hr we argued that he wanted me to tell him what i think and i told him i didn't think i had a right to say anything because i'm not his gf and i don't want to directly influence what he chooses to do with his sex life. all i asked was that if he did sleep with someone else that he would let me know. he didn't like that very much either. then somehow we got on the topic of me not telling him things lately and it spiraled into him not being happy with me because we used to be open with one another and now we weren't. he wanted things to be like last year and they just aren't. my heart broke. i feel guilty and sorry inside all the time.


so i bit the bullet and told him why i'd been pulling back. it's because i'm going away and i'm afraid of what will happen while i'm gone. he plans to be with me and that plan scares me because i'm so unsure of what i want. i'm a realist and think of every possible scenario and each of them scares me. petrified is more like it. i'm afraid to leave but i'm even more afraid to come back. and honestly i've thought about not coming back. instead of going to antioch in santa barbara i would just go to the one in seattle. get my transcripts transferred and just stay. obviously this situation is highly unlikely but i'm so scared to come back that i partly hope i could do it.

another reason is because a long time ago i figured out that i wasn't able to cry in front of him. and this scared me too. because i know that without trying he's made me cry. and not just a little bit but alot of uncontrollable crying. and not even him but the thought of him or whatever. he makes me feel so intensely and yet i can't even cry in front of him. if i start to get watery, even if it's something dumb like i'm cramping, my body just shuts down my tear ducts and i can't cry. i don't know what it means but it scares me and i hate the feeling it gives me. that must mean something right?

i just ultimately don't want to hurt anybody so instead of doing something i'd rather do nothing. so doing nothing means that i don't say anything and it's gotten so bad that i really can't say anything even if i want to. not on purpose. i just can't. makes me feel like a child. i'm really verbal except when it comes to letting people in. which seems like an oxymoron because i'll answer anything you want to know about me. i'm an open book. but i guess that's different than having someone know you really intimately...knowing who you really are and not just about things you like or do.

part of me feels like i'm fucking up really badly. i told Army Boy and Mr. Big that i'm going to try and ditch my phone and facebook while im away. i'm trying to get a reading list together and i've already planned my first horseback riding lesson. i have big plans for myself when i'm gone. part of me is afraid i won't live up to any of those plans either. i don't want to leave and then decide i don't want to do anything and loaf around all summer. i want to learn and expand my mind and grow as a person.

i'm just afraid that i may come back as a slightly different person and i'll end up hurting someone in the process.


since when did i become so afraid of everything?

If Dreaming Was Definitive...

so i decided that because my real life isn't dramatic enough, i should start writing down my dreams. and i've had this thought for a while because my dreams are really bizarre sometimes. entertaining but bizarre. what made me finally decide to do it???... well, here's dream #1 to kick off the new part of the blog haha (hopefully you picked up this whole paragraph is full of disdain and sarcasm)

last night i dreamt about Army Boy. why am i not surprised? doubtful that i've mentioned this but he's been gone for about a week doing national guard stuff up about 4 hours from where we live. anyway, i dreamt about him and it was awful! the sad thing is this isn't my first dream about him that has ended badly, unfortunately.

(oh! i should mention that he was played by Bruce Willis for a little bit of the dream haha!! but i knew it was him. then he went back to looking like himself and Bruce Willis disappeared.) ok so my dream...

i found out that i was pregnant. i was so happy. like really, genuinely happy to be having his baby. now seeing as he's far away, i didn't want to tell him over the phone or through text message so i decided i wanted to go up and see him, tell him,go home and then wait for him to come home from his lil' side trip so we could talk further. this didn't exactly work out. i tried txting him all day to see if we'd be able to meet or whatever because i had something really important to tell him. it couldn't wait. nothing. nothing. nothing. all day that asshole ignored me. then i get this txt message that goes kinda like this


"the real reason i'm going up to sacramento is to see this girl cherry. she's a top and when we play it's better than with you. i've known for five months that she's pregnant and i'm really happy. wait til i get home to talk to me"

omg... i died. i'm not sure why but my dream sort of transitioned into me running. i'm not sure if i was running to something or away from that text but i ran through this huge courtyard that had many different openings to different little hidden places. i kept trying to find a quiet place to sit because i was just bawling my eyes out. ran past this garden and it was a wedding procession. ran to another garden and people were taking photos. finally i got to this courtyard that was really windy but no1 was there and all there was, was a tree in the middle of this garden and it had four cement walls. i sat down and just cried and cried. pink flowers just blew everywhere.


i finally met up with Drein and told her that i needed to make a doctors appointment that minute. i couldn't have his baby knowing that he didn't love me. he was having a baby with this other chick and for 5mos didn't say anything. i just couldn't have his baby. loving him so much. i finally got to the doctors office and it was dark and small. signed my name on the login sheet and as i was signing papers i couldn't see. i was crying so hard that i started to have a panic attack. i couldn't see anything in front of me and i was crying while gasping for air. i started to fall to my knees and Drein just helped me to the ground...

then i woke up. and this part's the kicker...i really actually was having a panic attack. i woke up and could hear my voice and i really was crying and gasping for air. i just didn't have tears. once i kind of figured out i was in bed it was so hard to breathe normally. once i did i just layed there for at least thirty minutes. i got up to pee and then after that i stood in my hallway, trying to decide if i should get up or not. then i walked back into my room and covered myself in my blankets. i felt so utterly dead inside. obviously i wasn't really pregnant and obviously i wasn't signing papers to have an abortion...but i felt so dead i didn't even want to move.

well that's my dream...told you they tend to lean on the bizarre side..

i told Army Boy about it. he said sorry as i was explaining how i really wanted the baby. as i was reading my txt messages i started to cry. it felt like i had just woken up and my heart had been broken like in my dream. my eyes burned and i was really sad.

not sure if this means i want his baby or if it relates to wen he asked me if i was okay with "sharing" him but i think my dream definitely proved i have intense feelings about something

Sexuality, Orientation and All It's Different Forms

now that i'm taking this LGB Experiences class, sexuality and orientation, it's forms and other outlets of sexual activity have been really in my face/the topic of many convos.

the other day i was talking to Mr. Big about porn and just today Army Boy and i were talking about gay marriage in the military and pony play in the BDSM aspect. now, i realize many people aren't into "that type" of sexual activity, but everyone is exposed to some type of pornography in their life and everyone is exposed to some type of dominant/submissive/sadist/masochist person or relationship in their life as well. so i'm wondering, what makes people feel safe with labels? what makes pornography pornography versus erotica? i can give you an answer, but it's a political answer. you know how the politicians came up with the answer?...it's so they wouldn't have to deal with court cases over the issue. in reality, porn and erotica are the same in the sense that it deals with nudity and people and explicit material but it's the intent behind the type of media. also, it's up to the different city to make their own claim on the difference. so what may constitute porn in my city may be different than LA's definition and both of these definitions are going to be different in some court house in Kentucky.

wow that was a ramble. sorry. basically what i'm trying to ask is...why does there need to be a normative? what's so scary about deviations from what "everyone else does"? now, i'm not saying that i understand everything, because obviously i don't. for example, i have an interest in Furries because i don't understand why this is appealing. i respect people who want to partake in Furry activity but that doesn't mean that i'm going to myself. and why?...first of all because that doesn't necessarily tickle my fancy, but also because i don't understand it.


and this reason is why i want to have the career that i want. being an MFT is just a stepping stone into the actual title i want which is Sex Therapist. i want to understand everything i can about sexuality, orientation, what makes people do and be attracted to certain things and everything else under the sun about gender and the like. so i guess to answer my own question, any deviation from the norm group is due to ignorance and people's willingness to stay ignorant. really, that's all it comes down to. you don't understand something and yet you don't like it?...and you're okay with that?

it's weird in the sense that, i know i'm ignorant about things and i just don't care to educate myself about them. like politics, wars, oil, cars, money, etc. all these things i really don't care about so i don't bother to know much. why do i need to know about politics? all i need to know is that i have a certain set of beliefs and i need to pick the person who can best fit those ideas. i don't need to know about oil because there's nothing i can do about the cost or where it comes from. i don't need to know about cars because i pay for AAA and anything that happens i know they will fix it or i can go to my dad's mechanic. done and done. but those aren't personal to me or the people around me or making my world a better place.


understanding about the different forms of sexuality, the many different forms of gender, different orientations, different relationships, etc is what will make the world a much nicer place to live in. i think this is one of the reasons that i don't want to have children. i would hate to bring my child up in a place where ignorance is the norm and teaching that there are many different types of love and that none are wrong is the deviation. so what i can teach my own child to not be ignorant, but what good is that if he/she is the deviation and not the norm? i want those values to be the norm instead of the deviation.

i'm not saying that all my views are right. i'm not saying that i advocate for pornography. honestly, i don't ever really watch it and i'm not a fan of it truthfully. but i'm not going to look down on someone who does. i really couldn't care if i get married, but i think that if i marry someone that i should have the same legal rights as the majority group regardless of the sex of my partner. it's just a basic human right to be happy..

isn't that what everyone wants?.... to be happy? why would a person want to take that basic human right away from another human being?

Coming Out Letter

for my summer course, The Psychological Study of Lesbian/Gay/Bisexual Experiences, i had to write a coming out letter as if i were either a lesbian or bisexual first exposing myself to a loved one or friend.

i, of course, chose my parents because all my friends know already that i'm leaning more and more towards women each day it seems. kind of funny in a way but not really because i actually meant every word i wrote. it was jokingly said to me in a text that my letter would probably be true...and it was. now, i was a bit high when i wrote it but i reread it again the next morning and it's so explanatory in the beginning that i can tell it's sincere. i was nervous writing it.

my thought process going into it was that it'll be easy because there's no right or wrong way to write a coming out letter. you just write one. but as i was writing it i kept thinking to myself over and over that my parents, more specifically my mom, wouldn't really understand. obviously all i've ever brought home are boys and my whole life i've gotten in trouble because of guys so it would stand to reason that i'd be heterosexual. but as i tried to write it all i could think was...will they understand that it's still me? that really the only thing that's changed is a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend? it's still me...i'm still me...if they can love me yesterday and today even though i've put them through hell, then they can still love me now that i'm exposing myself as a lesbian. they always just wanted me to be happy and if i'm happy then they should be too...it's still me.

so here's my letter. i did have a specific girl in mind when i wrote it...obviously that's lauren. it's weird because as i read it and thought about it later i got a bit teary eyed because as much as i try and say that i basically hate her because of how she used me, i still miss her. i miss that i wanted to wish her a happy birthday but didn't because she didn't wish me one. i miss that i'll probably never be able to have a girls night or a double date night because i just refuse to even talk about her and her bf...i mean, it's hard to look at her bf in the face because i know my feelings for her were genuine and because all the times we were together she made the first move, i know that she isn't being honest with herself. and i'm sad for her. i'm sad that she may have felt safe enough to disclose to me and it basically blew up in her face and she shut me out. and now because of everything, we probably won't ever be able to be friends again.

anyway, here it is...

This letter is something that is hard for me to write. I want to start out by saying that I’m still me. I haven’t changed at the core values you’ve taught me. I’m not in any trouble, I still have goals to finish school, have a career and make a worthwhile life for myself. The only part of my future I’ve planned to change is so I can be the best person I know how to be…to be happy.

An essential part of my happiness is something I hope will not hinder your happiness but instead would make it grow because I will feel complete. My search for happiness that I’ve struggled to have for a major part of my life not only affected me and my well being but also the relationship of the family and of my friends…I now know what I was missing through those rough years

.

I hope that if this news isn’t what you may have wanted to hear, or even may not want to accept, I would hope that your hearts would be open to still loving the daughter you’ve raised and being proud of all the accomplishments I’ve made. Because that will never change, I will always be your mija.

Except that now, a piece of my identity I’ve wanted to share with you is that I am a lesbian. She is the person that brings light into my life and I would hope that you can accept her and love her just as you have loved and accepted me all my life.

I love you very much Mom and Dad,

Teresa

Gathering of Thoughts..

so i wrote a post that followed the grad party incident but i didn't post it. it's really raw and full of honest emotion. i felt that it was a bit too intense to share, even with myself.

but i'd like to recap life since then. and i swear i need to start writing things down more often because i've been staying up at night thinking to myself and i can't remember what i'm thinking when it counts.

since then i had my special birthday party. overall it was successful, minus the puke in my sink. a reminder why alcohol is such a bizarre thing to be legal. it inhibits the brain in such a way that being a drunken buffoon is thought to be ok versus marijuana or ecstasy which really just makes everyone love one another. strange how the legal system works. anyway...

other than my party my mom was gone for a week. that was lovely. i got to spend time with Army Boy and Mr. Big (new name for the ex...if you watch sex and the city you'd understand the reference). both of them wanted to take my time for themselves. i didn't mind it just that i hate having to say no to someone so when i had to say, "i cant i'm doing XYZ" i always felt a bit bad.

i also just got back from 2 days of hiking. we camped next to a waterfall. it was me, Mr. Big, his friend Jim and his gf Nilou. they're older.. 28 and 26. they're kind of nature, art, big beard and boots kind of indie. i don't even know if it's indie. o and brett haha. we hiked four miles uphill to the campground and settled in. basically smoked all day and night and played awesome ass music while chillin by the fire next to the waterfall. it was pretty epic. then we relaxed and had lunch. smoked a nice fatty bowl and headed out. the hike out was nice because i just got really zoned out on the massive amounts of trees and the constant running stream. then i realized that pink floyd would be amazing in the forest...and they were!!!! haha. also saw a rattlesnake pretty close up. i was excited. basically it was nice overall minus the uphill battle.

also today i started my first day as receptionist at de palma terrace. sundays are slow but all my elderly people were so excited to see me that it outweighed how tired i got because there really wasn't much for me to do.

other than that, summer school has started and thus begins my countdown until i'm out of here. that's the scary part tho. i'm planning on reading alot when i'm gone. i seriously need to expand my mind more. i feel like i've gotten dumber with my vision. i don't see the world the same anymore but instead i see it like the collective hive would see the world (yes that was a treky statement but whatev!). i really need to start seeing the world through my eyes again...if i can remember how i work.

i'm kind of afraid to come back. i don't know how much my thinking or feeling will change while i'm away and i guess no one ever really knows the impact of change until they come back to the place that has changed...