all week has been his spring break and all week i had things of my own to do at school which created the perfect opportunity for me to give excuses not to see him. i didn't really mean to do this necessarily but it sort of just unfolded that way and my sentiment wasn't one that was eager to see him. so after leaving Army Boy's house saturday night i went to see the bf. we watched "Easy A" (which was hilariously witty and better than i expected) and then after that we were forced to talk to one another. i mean, it's kind of a big thing when the person you're in a relationship with doesn't really want to speak to you and finds excuses not to see you. there was only so much skirting around the issue that i could do
it went a little something like this...
"so what's up? you haven't really been saying anything back to my texts and you have found reasons not to talk to or see me all week....why?"" (long pause)...i guess i'm still mad at you. it's kind of a big deal and seriously made me question whether being in a relationship is really important. or necessary. i don't think it's necessary. look at everyone else we hang out with and what's happened because they wanted to be too serious. i think you and i do better when we're just really good friends. things are less stressful. and it was just a really bad time for this situation to happen because i asked lots of people what to do and they all said the same thing."
"who did you talk to? what did you tell them?"
"i talked to my mom, my dad, jessi, my boss..basically anyone i thought would be able to give me an outside perspective and sound advice. the only person i told about my text conversation was jessi but basically everyone's answer was the same. being in a relationship right now, especially because i have one semester left, isn't smart. it's not necessary. school and work are what's important. and you either trust me or you don't and i really don't know if i care to wait and find out. i don't like being in a serious realtionship...
(queue the waterworks)...and i feel like a bad person. i feel guilty and horrible because i've put you through so much this year and last year and you've stuck it out and it's like, at the end of the day i just say, hey this is too stressful for me i don't wanna do it. that makes me feel horrible. because honestly, this isn't about you. this isn't about anyone else except for me. i don't feel like a person. i don't feel like an individual, like i know myself..i really just don't feel like me. i know it's because i live in this stupid little OC bubble and i'm sure once i leave i'll feel differently. but i want to feel like a person. i know you understand what i mean but really, if i don't get to go to santa barbara like i've planned i will literally just die. i hate it here and i'm so..unhappy. and i just think that being so serious right now is a mistake."
and that was that. well, the gist of it.
basically him asking minimalist questions and i just let it all out. it's weird, i don't cry, like ever. maybe shed a tear or two, get watery eyes, but very seldom has anyone seen me really cry. except for him.
and after all i had to say was said, he took it really well. basically said that the title of being in a relationship wasn't important and that he just wants me to be happy. his priority is getting us back to being friends and spending time together. because in the midst of being in a relationship we lost our ability to be friends. he asked me why we couldn't have both. i just said that it seems to be a pattern of ours, something that we don't do intentionally but it just seems to happen. so to him, if i'm not happy then what's the point in staying in a serious relationship? there really isn't one.
now the question is, did we break up? what kind of relationship do we have? what does "not serious" mean? haha i love how i have all these questions and i'm the one that put myself in this category. his main concern is with me being his and only his because he doesn't want to share me. even though what i was talking about has nothing to do with anyone else but myself, i understand his concern. he keeps saying things that start with "my" and honestly it makes me uncomfortable because, i don't really want to be anybody's anything.
i want to be mine.if that makes sense...we broke up and then got back together and i still don't feel like my own person. it's part of why i joined student leadership. aside from it making me look good on my resume, i was hoping that it would force me to be involved and i'd be able to grow, even a little bit, into my own person. i'm kind of mad because i'm back to square one and i don't think i have anything to show for the inbetween parts other than, a conventional relationship isn't something i'm really into and i've learned it the hard way.
i'm greatful though that he's taking it so nicely. i caught him saying things that weren't really as "fine" as he made it seem so i told him not to lie. don't say something is fine if it's not because, that really isn't going to get you anywhere. i'm kind of rambling now...i'm searching for an answer. all this ambiguity doesn't sit well with me. i'm not really someone that likes rules and regulations but i understand their purpose and i wish i had some guidelines for this.
hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, sex...these are all things that people in a relationship do. saying im not in a serious relationship to me means that these things aren't reserved for him and him alone because i'm not his. saying i'm not in a serious relationship means we're not together. but to him i think it means i'm still his, it's just the severity of the relationship is dialed down and instead the focus is on rebuilding our friendship for an eventual relationship. i'm not saying i plan on kissing everybody or sleeping with tons of people, i'm just saying that if a kiss were to come my way that i wouldn't be obligated to not reciprocate. and this is where i think it gets tricky. i don't say "i love you" or "i miss you" when he says it to me because, how can i show affection when i don't have guidelines? if i were to say "i love you too" it could mean, i love our relationship and everything we've been through together, but for him it could mean that i will love him forever and this "non serious relationship" is just going to make us stronger later.
its ambiguity that makes me uneasy. honestly i liked when we were broken up and everything was casual and i didn't have to worry about how much time i was spending with him and when i made decisions i made them for myself because it was in my best interest and i only had to take myself into account. this sounds selfish, i realize this. but what it did for me was make me feel like i ran my own life. i didnt have to give anything up because of somebody else. if it made me happy, i did it. any consequences would be myn to face but i wouldn't have to take shit from anyone else because, i did things for me.
i dont know what i'm trying to say really. other than i'm not sure if we're together or broken up. we started out as really great friends. best friends actually. and that got lost somewhere over the almost six years of being together.
i would really like to get that back and i think to get a friendship back, the lover relationship has to be taken out of the equation.
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