i guess i just need to sort some stuff out in my head. but really, it's just about my recent covos with Army Boy and Mr. Big (haha that still makes me laugh i re-nicknamed him that). both are pretty intense, but i guess the most intense is the one with Army Boy so i'll save that for last.
The other night i was talking with Mr. Big and it was over the whole girl issue. I told him that i felt it was only fair for me to tell him about what i'm thinking and going through because of our how our relationship is. so "undefined". basically it was that i want something tangible. and i say tangible because physical implies that i'm only looking for a sexual relationship of sorts when that's kind of the opposite of what i'm looking for. i think tangible implies more that i have something solid to feel. in myself at least. because whenever i was with LoLo and we would kiss or whatever, i know what it made me feel afterwards but it was never my choice to start or stop anything. it was always her choice. so i told him i want to have something tangible because, yes i would like to kiss or cuddle or watever, i don't necessarily even want sex.
he basically told me that if i actually were to do anything with another girl he would be hurt because of the fact that our relationship is so unclear at the moment. which i understand but...they're my feelings. it's my life. it's getting to the point where it's a slight ache. i think that's more over Lo but it's really starting to feel like i need to do something about how i feel. it may not be a day to day thing, but u can bet that during class i'm constantly thinking about her, or how our actions led me to how i feel now, etc. anyway, basically he said "thanks" that i kept him informed because, above other things, it's at the very least that he'll offer his friendship and be there for me if i needed it. he also said that he wants to have a talk about his plans for the future, obviously about "us". i'm so far removed from that though because of my vacation next month. i'm going to be gone a WHOLE MONTH AND FIVE DAYS! i've never been gone that long.
and truly, i'm scared to come back. which leads me into my next convo i had with Army Boy.
the other day i was out shopping with drein and long story short, i told Army Boy that i was letting drein borrow him because there are things she will do that i won't. now, of course i was joking, and the more we joked the funnier it got. but at a certain point it just stopped being funny and bordered serious. then it crossed the border and actually was serious. i hate it when that happens. anyway, he asked me if i was really serious about "sharing" him. and of course i gave what i think is the appropriate answer..."i can't tell you what to do and not to do". which i think is valid but he thinks is total b.s.
so for over half an hr we argued that he wanted me to tell him what i think and i told him i didn't think i had a right to say anything because i'm not his gf and i don't want to directly influence what he chooses to do with his sex life. all i asked was that if he did sleep with someone else that he would let me know. he didn't like that very much either. then somehow we got on the topic of me not telling him things lately and it spiraled into him not being happy with me because we used to be open with one another and now we weren't. he wanted things to be like last year and they just aren't. my heart broke. i feel guilty and sorry inside all the time.
so i bit the bullet and told him why i'd been pulling back. it's because i'm going away and i'm afraid of what will happen while i'm gone. he plans to be with me and that plan scares me because i'm so unsure of what i want. i'm a realist and think of every possible scenario and each of them scares me. petrified is more like it. i'm afraid to leave but i'm even more afraid to come back. and honestly i've thought about not coming back. instead of going to antioch in santa barbara i would just go to the one in seattle. get my transcripts transferred and just stay. obviously this situation is highly unlikely but i'm so scared to come back that i partly hope i could do it.
another reason is because a long time ago i figured out that i wasn't able to cry in front of him. and this scared me too. because i know that without trying he's made me cry. and not just a little bit but alot of uncontrollable crying. and not even him but the thought of him or whatever. he makes me feel so intensely and yet i can't even cry in front of him. if i start to get watery, even if it's something dumb like i'm cramping, my body just shuts down my tear ducts and i can't cry. i don't know what it means but it scares me and i hate the feeling it gives me. that must mean something right?
i just ultimately don't want to hurt anybody so instead of doing something i'd rather do nothing. so doing nothing means that i don't say anything and it's gotten so bad that i really can't say anything even if i want to. not on purpose. i just can't. makes me feel like a child. i'm really verbal except when it comes to letting people in. which seems like an oxymoron because i'll answer anything you want to know about me. i'm an open book. but i guess that's different than having someone know you really intimately...knowing who you really are and not just about things you like or do.
part of me feels like i'm fucking up really badly. i told Army Boy and Mr. Big that i'm going to try and ditch my phone and facebook while im away. i'm trying to get a reading list together and i've already planned my first horseback riding lesson. i have big plans for myself when i'm gone. part of me is afraid i won't live up to any of those plans either. i don't want to leave and then decide i don't want to do anything and loaf around all summer. i want to learn and expand my mind and grow as a person.
i'm just afraid that i may come back as a slightly different person and i'll end up hurting someone in the process.
since when did i become so afraid of everything?
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