for anyone who's known me for a while, birthdays are a big deal to me. not just my own but other people's birthdays. i have to bake a cake or try and do just a little something because it is their Special Day after all! i take birthdays seriously but when it comes to my own, i don't really like attention. id rather just be given a bunch of movies and a nice dinner or something. simple and not too much fuss...it's probably the only time in my life when i don't feel like being loud. but this year is different...i don't want to go out to dinner. i really don't want any parties or a bunch of people. i kind of just want to crawl into a hole and hide or smoke and get lost in my stoner bubble. i don't know what it is but when i was trying to decide what to do for my birthday (not really because i want to but because my friends made a small fuss about me doing nothing) nothing really seemed appealing. going out and drinking is overrated, no one has money and i certainly don't want people to spend money they don't have so i can go out and have a nice dinner..i was just genuinely uninterested in doing anything.
i eventually decided on pizza at my house and then going to my cousin's liquor store and getting a bunch of mini bottles of alcohol so i can sneak them in my soda when i go to the theatre to watch sucker punch (for the fourth time). it may seem really lame for a 22 year old to be doing pizza and a movie but honestly, it's the only idea i had that actually made me happy. so friday will be my birthday party, saturday my dad's taking me out for lunch and sunday will be my actual birthday which i'm sure my mom will make one of my favorite dishes for dinner and that'll be that.
i am having a "special" birthday party at the end of the month though and this one is what i'm super excited for. it's a special birthday party that will involve rave inspired recreation! i know i know, kinda frowned upon but seriously, it's one of the only things i have to look forward to this month. actually, it's the only thing i've had to look forward to for a few months.with the exception of Army Boy's present to me. he bought us tickets to go see Dita Von Teese at the roxy next tuesday which... i literally died! i've been wanting to see her for sooo many years and now that she's back in the US, i finally can. cuz he's amazing like that. it would be him, too. i didn't ask him to he just kinda did it. SQWEE!! i'm literally just gonna die!
but other than dita, my rave party and school being out, i'm really not excited about my birthday month. usually i'm so excited because it's my birthday and it's just really special but, now i'm starting to wonder if it ever will be again.a year ago, around this time because it was about a week before my birthday, i got really sick. kind of reminds me about the beginning of the month when i had a 103 degree fever. omg deja vu! both times (few weeks ago and last year) i got sick while i was in redondo with Mr. Marine, drove home and barely made it because i was so dizzy and feverish. had terrible body ache and was sick for a few days...dang. anyway, i got sick and it's something that i will have forever. literally all my life. and this thought sucks. most of the time i don't worry about it but because it's been a year and it was so close to my birthday i've been thinking about it alot. i want to just cover myself in my blankets and never come out of my bed ever again.
i hate how i'm always sick. i never used to get sick and now it's like being sick is actually becoming my normal. i feel like my birthday week is a curse and i won't ever enjoy it again because it'll always be the anniversary of when i got sick and even if i don't have to go through my symptoms, i'll always have a time stamp for when my body got fucked up.
i have nothing to be happy for. i'm stressed, my relationships suck, my body isn't in good condition, i'm scared about moving out... i really feel like this birthday is going to suck. my last birthday sucked and i haven't really moved far relationship wise, gym wise, personal growth wise...i'm easily defeated. which sucks because i'm a person who fights for things but when it comes to myself i just feel like i can never win.and the thought of my one year anniversary isn't making this any easier. and all anyone can tell me is "i'm sorry". not like there's anything else one can say about it but it just makes it that much worse because there really is NOTHING anyone can do
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