now, for as much as i love my mom, it's kind of awkward talking with her about my life. she's not a very open person. she's very private and kind of always says the nice thing but this time i felt like she was really trying to give me the best answer she could.
we were talking about me moving away, my relationship with the semi bf and Army Boy and why i feel like i needed to escape for a month of my summer. with all this drama and decision making and etc etc, i decided to do a month internship with my sister who is opening her own practice for therapy. i'll get to help her set up her practice which will look good on my resume and hopefully i'll learn alot. anyway...
we talked about why i feel like i need to get away. i explained that i don't feel like my own person and i hate where i live. i explained to her that being in a couple hasn't really afforded me the time to be on my own. to be my own girlfriend, in a sense. and also, the semi bf hasn't really been his own person either. ya he has his hobbies and the things he does with his friends and how he fills his time when i'm not there, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are your own person. and that's what i'm craving.
she told me that when he and i got back together that she could tell i wasn't ready. when she was talking she made it sound like she really wanted me to break up with him. not because he's a bad person or because of his actions (well ya a little because of his actions) but mainly because she can see that i want something different. the more i talked with her the more i started to feel like agreeing with her...but at the same time i have reservations.
reservations about what i want in life. i'm not necessarily the type of person to do something willy nilly..i have a plan in mind. and my plan, i think, is that i want to go off on my own, make my own mistakes, get bumped around and learn something about myself while along the way meeting my academic goals which will be the foundation for my life. hahahaha wow...that sounds way more complicated written out than it does in my head.
i want to go to santa barbara, live on my own, meet new people who are interested in the same thing im interested in, have a career and have a life free of children so i can do whatever i want and be happy. be happy be happy be happy... i don't want to have to worry about whether a friend i make is going to be perceived as a threat by a boyfriend. i'd rather not be in a relationship so i can skip all the drama that comes with being in a relationship.
it's just hard to not be in a relationship with someone who i know has the same goals as i do. a set path for a career, a life with no kids and lots of animals, same music, same recreational drugs, same friends...basically same everything. we've grown into the same things over the last five and something years and have decided to grow together for a common goal that i think this is why it's so hard to just stick to my guns and say that i don't want to be in a relationship. because it's not like i'm saying i don't still love him or that i don't think about a future with him...it's just that right now, being in a relationship isn't what i want.
when he said to me that he wouldn't want to try again if we broke up a second time, i literally died inside and it made me want to take back what i said. it's like he's just giving up instead of letting me grow on my own. i would never say that to him..
and then on the other hand i have Army Boy who would never say something like that to me. he'd say, ok teresa..do whatever it is you need to do and just be honest with me and things will be fine because i love you and want you to be happy...so why is it so scary? because he still hasn't decided what he wants to do, i'm sure he wants kids, we don't really have the same recreational activities to share in, i wouldn't really get along with any of his friends because they're all girls and i'm pretty sure they're all in love with him...it's like opposite of me. completely. but..he makes me happy and we can balance each other out when shit gets heavy. he can tolerate the bad side of me and although it's sometimes hard for me, i don't back down from his bad side.
and even so, this relationship decision isn't about a boy or having a relationship...it's about ME. it's about me finally being able to get out of the house and live my own life and find what it is that i like to do (besides tv, sleep, food, sex, drugs and scrapbooking) haha seriously i do like to scrapbook.
so why do i feel so guilty about asking to know who i am?
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