i need to ramble

so now i can't sleep.

i feel sad.

and just today Army Boy was telling me that he is worried about me. i mean, i can kind of see why but at the same time not really.

i mean, the whole anti-food post i'm sure wasn't helped when i told him about a certain drug i wanted to do. it's not for the skinny thing...entirely. it is just because i haven't done it in a long time and i want to remember what it feels like.

but to say i'm not doing it because i want to feel better about myself is a lie. i don't want to lie.

and it's kind of a dichotomous situation going on inside because on the one hand, i want to say that everything is ok and no matter what happens i have myself under control. that my feelings won't get the best of me, i know what i'm doing and i can maintain control over myself. and on the other hand i know that it's so much harder to do that than it is to say it and a part of me is so tired of having control..

i said that sometimes i wonder what it would be like to fly off the edge of the off-ramp..i'm not sure that's a normal thing to wonder but really think about it.. don't you want to know what it's like to feel weightless? to kind of just be in the slow moment between flying and falling? i do.

this is kind of what i feel like...

and this week in my survey of clinical psychology class we went over anorexia using the cognitive diagnostic theory. it was kind of trying, emotionally, to have to sit in class and discuss diagnostics when i've been in that situation. and then parts of my life fit together and i totally understood myself better looking back on myself in high school. why i was able to wear my hoodie and pants all the time, why my thoughts were scattered, why i always had a headache and probably why i started getting sick in the first place, why sleep became such a staple in my life...it was because i was seriously anorexic. i was cold all the time because i literally had little to no fat on me, i wasn't drinking enough, your body slowly starts to shut down so u get sick and you don't have enough energy to think let alone stay awake the whole day...got it just made so much sense and was like a slap in the face.

it's a disorder that's related to anxiety and, i'm not sure if i've posted anything about it here, but i have experienced my fair share of panic attacks. for a while i thought i had a slight case of social anxiety/chronic anxiety. i've had a full panic attack in the middle of driving which was one of the single most impacting and scariest moments of my life. there was a big chunk of my life where any social situation that i had to be around more than 1 other person i would start to freak out and panic even before i left. i would get ready and then at the last moment start crying because i was terrified to go out. sometimes i'll randomly get slight panic attacks like i did at drein's birthday or once in a while i'll have to txt the people closest to me and ask them if they're okay because i feel like something is wrong somewhere...after watching that anorexic video i just made so much sense to myself. like i joke around about these things sometimes but i totally forgot that, hey! there really is a link into how i am and things i've done/i do.

so there's that half that thinks, that was a sad time and i don't want to be there again. and then there's another part of me that feels comfort and like that's something i know how to be and it's familiar so i don't really have a problem going back there. and with the way i'm so stressed out all the time, it's likely. how likely? i don't know because i've gotten so used to eating my feelings these days..but it's a thought that pops into my head more and more everyday.

i swear it's like my mind has a million things it thinks about but if you try and ask me what's wrong or what i'm thinking, i forget everything that's bothering me. and then later, alone like this, i start to think again. and it's horrible because i feel self destructive but like being self destructive would feel so good. like i so want to be but i have to keep stopping myself...


i want to lost control over myself so badly and just sit in the aftermath...like maybe, just maybe, i would be able to purge everything that's deep down inside and i can finally feel nothing.