I Wish I Could Travel to a Far Away Land and Never Come Back

soo i kind of wish i could rewind and be in the moment right before surgery when i got shut up with drugs that relaxed me. my anesthesiologist called it a margarita then shot it into my IV and seriously in less than 5 seconds i got all warm and floaty and happy...in would give anything to feel that again

the past week there has been major miscommunication going on both with myself and with the bf..

i say bf because apparently to him, we weren't broken up.

*sigh* this is what i dealt with tonight. we had just finished smoking and having a stoner night when he asks for clarification. i'm pretty sure i mentioned him and his use of the word "my" when it comes to me. this made me kind of uneasy because i thought i had made it clear i didn't want to be in a serious relationship and we were going to work on building a foundation and try and be friends again.

i guess to him this meant that we were going to be more individualistic during the week but that at the end of the day or the end of our week, we would be coming back together to be with one another. so that's why he's been saying and acting the way he has been...because to him we weren't broken up. we were just having more time to ourselves.

so now it seems i've found myself in another pickle... i've done stuff with Army Boy. so technically i cheated?..

the bf said that he is fine with having things be "casual" as long as it means he has a sense of security and fidelity. i said that's just like being in a relationship and i don't want that. so he said that if we break up again then he's not even going to consider going out with me again. granted, i'm not into being the type of couple that constantly breaks up and gets back together, i never thought that he would say something like that. i swear to god, if tears were like a point system, the more tears you're able to shed for a person the more it's in their favor that they can make you feel something..this wouldn't be a hard thing.

i told him that i'm not sure what i want out of our relationship. or even if i want to be in one with him. some days i know and other days i don't...i said "i don't know what i'm doing". and it's true. i don't. god i feel so...wrong inside. because i know what he said about me is true, because i want to basically have my own cake and eat it too, and i can't. it's wrong and it shouldn't be that way.

i tried to say that because i'm fickle and can't decide what i want, i shouldn't have him on "hold" and i wasn't going to ask that of him. but then he said if we're done done then he wouldn't even consider trying again...i dont' understand because i wouldn't say something like this so ya i started crying because it's a sad thing to hear.

so we left it in limbo for now. he said he didn't want to discuss semantics for a few weeks. at least until school is over so it's dealing with one stressor at a time. he didn't want to say yes or no to breaking up right now..he wants to give me time to think about it. for now we keep things in like real friend mode without any sort of physical closeness more than i would do with, say, Mr. Marine.

and i'm sure ur thinking, ya but u originally said a serious relationship wasn't for you and if for you it was a break up, why does it change anything?

and honestly, i really don't know. i don't know why i got upset or why i had tears streaming down my face. i just did. if nothing would change then why am i so dramatic?

the answer i have is...because it just matters. i feel bad that i'm so hot and cold and that i put people through crap. one day it seems necessary and another day it doesn't. i don't like being that person.

and now, i have to tell Army Boy that apparently i wasn't broken up so technically i kind of just cheated.

drein was right...sex ruins everything.