how are things between you and Army Boy? like, how do you act?
hahaha at first i laughed about it cuz, really...what else am i supposed to say? so i answered in the usual "brush-it-off" manner. not too much detail. but then i went home and kind of randomly pondered over it. and pondered
"oh think think think" as Winnie the Pooh would say
so i was drawn back to my trip to santa barbara. i went to look at the school i'm applying for for my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. the bf was at school and drein was busy so of course i asked Army Boy if he'd like to come with me.
"i figured it'd be nice because we never got to take our trip there while you were on leave". this, folks, was my statement. talk about old memories.
long story short, when he was home on leave in july we wanted to go to santa barbara for a few days to be alone and have fun. my mom ended up leaving for a week so we vacationed at my house instead. anyway...it was only an hour long info sesh i needed to attend and i figured we would putter around downtown SB and eat or something. a nice evening. we in fact didn't do that. we drove up there, walked around for a bathroom, i went to my meeting then we drove home and got pizza hut when we arrived. we ate the whole dang box we were so starving! sooo, you're wondering where the point is...
the ride to santa barbara.
the ride to santa barbara was seriously the moment you know you wish you could experience for real..the moment when you wish you could've walked through door number 3 instead of whichever door you picked instead. i got to taste the "what if" moment. it was just like i thought it would be. Army Boy pointed out to me the hotel he wanted to take me to. on the seaside. kinda run down outside but i guess it's really nice inside. nothing to the sides of it...just endless ocean and sundown facing it. it was gorgeous for the pure fact that i felt so happy. a little strip of highway, my head on his shoulder and blink-182 on the ipod. Perfection. Absolute Perfection. i was so quiet inside because i knew that's how it would've been had we gone down there in july. we would've had fun, been happy and i would've felt what i felt on that drive. i loved it.
so take that feeling there, bring it full circle to the question..and here's my honest answer.
we ignore it. and by "it" i mean, what we really feel. we make it seem so trifle in fact that all there's left to do is poke fun at ourselves. we point out awkward moments and laugh at them, knowing, at least from my perspective, that i'd like to act on the moment. i'd like to act on the feelings. i'd like to be able to say "you know you miss me" and then have it followed by some grandiose gesture instead of a small little hug that feels so fleeting...
we openly talk about things we used to do. how we used be. we eat "our foods", drink "our drinks", listen to "our band", put our hand in the others lap while driving..and stay kinda quiet. on my end, at least, it's because it's the closest i can feel to a fraction of what he made me feel. even though we talk about our sexual intimacies and sometimes act the roles of it, all we can do is laugh about it because to truly say how i miss the way he made me feel is too hard. and taking steps back is too hard...
for example, we were watching a documentary on Fetishes and i just kept thinking "how that girl feels after her session; relieved, at peace, whole, content, euphoric, happy... that's how he used to make me feel". my heart ached then, but of course i couldn't say anything. then the next day we watched Paper Heart and apparently i had my "thinking face" on and not my "usual movie watching face"..he kept trying to pry my thoughts out of me. i swear i didn't realize i was thinking deeply, but i was. and honestly, i don't know what i was thinking. sounds dumb but i don't think i was thinking. i was feeling...it's a love story and i just "felt" throughout the whole darn thing. and of course, i felt for him...
it sucks, blatantly talking about "us" and not being able to do anything about it.
but, i think on my end, i like the pain of going back. in my own masochistic way, having a small taste on that drive of the way things were feels so good, because it hurts so deliciously.
admit it... you have a guilty pleasure too
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