so it's been a while since i've blogged. i've been meaning to do it too, but now i can't really remember the stories i had to tell because this story i have now overshadows everything else. it quite nicely ties into my last blog too, unfortunately.
so let me back up a few days ago...my old best friend/current sometimes friend who is the long time best friend of the bf was going through a mental roadblock. we went to go help him out as he had dropped off the face of the planet for a week and on the way to his apartment, i was really angry that i had to deal with a situation such as this.
*sidenote* i smoke pot occasionally. i used to be against drugs and then i wasn't against them anymore. i respect the choice not to smoke, and i expect the same respect for my choice. i don't abuse it. i do have pain because of my ovaries and scoliosis, i just don't have the money for a medical card. my parents know i smoke...i have a healthy respect for it.
with that said, my old best friend has lately been abusing it and now is having a conflict about the world. basically, he's going crazy because he psyches himself out while he's high. dumb and i hate people who abuse marijuana in this way. it paints a bad picture for those of us who need it. anyway, on the way there i was angry because the whole situation was stupid and the bf thought that my way of talking at that moment was disrespectful. (when i get upset i get loud which can be mistaken for yelling. it's not yelling per say, just me talking..earnestly). so i texted Army Boy because he knows how i can get and can actually handle me. while i was texting, the bf kept asking over and over and over "who are you texting?" so i replied, "someone i can bitch to who i won't get mad at because they think i'm being mean". so of course he got emo...whatever. i don't care. i needed to vent and obviously he couldn't handle it.
after our intervention is over, we get back to his parking lot at his condo and the bf asks "i want to talk about this maturely and nicely. i don't see why you need to keep me and (Army Boy) separate. can i meet him?" to which i replied with flipping out, yelling and negativity. this question lead to him getting emo that i keep them separate, him thinking it's weird that i have such a close relationship, me hanging out at weird hours and it seeming "odd", etc etc etc. and while i FULLY understand where he's coming from, i don't care. why? because i'm not cheating, sleeping around, kissing, etc. i'm hanging out with my friend who just happens to be someone i was in an unofficial relationship with at one point in time. while i still have lingering feelings, i don't act on them. so i ended that part of the convo with me explaining why i don't use Army Boy's name. i always say "i'm at a friends" or whatever. why i think they need to stay in separate bubbles, he needs to get over my friendship and that i choose to not share it with him, etc.
then this lead to my health somehow, i don't remember how, and i divulged information that while yes i'm sick, i have no interest in going to the gym or giving a hoot about what i eat. i just don't care about that right now. i told the bf that while i was working out and eating right, i started having feelings about being anorexic again and that food was scaring me. so after this things kinda calmed down and i went home
soooo the story for today...
i get to the bf's house after interning and it's hot here in cali. it's 95 and i am a person who doesn't do well over 72. so i get to his house, rinse off my body so i can feel fresh and when i get back into his room i see he has an emo face, and i glance down at his desk and see that my fone is open to Army Boy's texts which is not where i left my phone when i put it down. so he shuts the door and asks if i'm cheating on him. so i throw of my towel and start yelling as i put my clothes on. he tries to hug me and i just keep yelling things to the effect of "we're really here again? i wouldn't have wasted a whole year and gotten back together with you if i was just going to sleep around. i can't believe this shit! i'm done! i might as well just cheat because you think i am anyway! etc etc etc".
now, since i know stories have two sides, i'm gonna briefly explain his side and why he does have a right to be mad at me. on top of the fact that i still talk to Army Boy, Army Boy and i had just happened to be having a convo that was inappropriate to be having. but like i said in my last blog, he and i joke around about things we used to do because it's not a big deal for us to do so. either way, this convo is what the bf read so i understand why he got upset.
but! regardless, things would've been fine had he not gone through my phone. bottom line is... you either trust me enough that i'm not cheating or you don't. i'm not waiting around for you to decide you'll get over it.
and that's what i said. i'm really just so sick and tired of this situation, i'd rather not deal with it at all. i'm obviously not going to give up my friendship, i'm not going to bring them together to talk or whatever and if he is going to be insecure about it that's his deal. i really just don't want to deal with it anymore..
so now that i'm taking space for myself (not answering texts or phone calls), i just have to wait for my mind to decide 1) when i want to start speaking to the bf and 2) if i really want to bother trying.
he texted me and said he doesn't want to leave me.
but, do i care enough to work through his insecurities? i really just don't know right now..and sadly, i can feel it that if i stay mad long enough i'll just be indifferent and stop caring because i've just been mad too long...fuck. this sucks.
and i can't forget what i said when the alena situation happened...if Army Boy is ever brought up again and i'm not allowed to move on, i'm seriously done. i can't forget i said this. the past isn't necessarily being brought up, but it's the fact that i'm still having to deal with my relationship with Army Boy that's the problem.
is it really that hard to just pretend a person doesn't exist? for the good of the relationship no less....i think i could do it. why can't he?
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