i've come to a few conclusions about myself...
first and foremost...the reason i'm still having feelings and thoughts about Army Boy is because deep down, i really want to know that i'm not easily replaceable. i want to know that what we had really matters even though we aren't together. all the struggles i went through last year and drama i dealt with weren't experienced in vain. i guess i still want to know he loves me. truly loved and loves me like i loved and love him.
next is the situation with my brother. my dad still thinks i should take the high road and forgive him and his girlfriend. to this i say..."once they can come to me like adults and wholeheartedly admit their actions were wrong, only then will i say i forgive them". then i went home and discussed the situation with my sister to get an outside perspective on the situation. she sees both sides but doesn't deny my actions are justified and healthy. i'm not holding grudges. i'm dealing with the important things in my life like school and my internship. so i kept thinking about it, and talking it over with myself and discovered... even if my brother did realize he wronged me and decided to make it right... i would say that i forgave him but i probably wouldn't mean it inside. i will always be hurt that he put his girlfriend and the bf above me even though i'm his sister. i will probably never get over the betrayal. and i know for certain i will always hate alena for what she did. always. so i filled my sister in on what alena is doing (in short she's basically trying to alienate my brother by telling certain people not to talk to him directly and all contact has to go through her instead and acting rude to those of us who he hangs around with by making it clear she doesn't want us around). sounds like what us girls are warned to watch out for in an abusive relationship right? right. so anyway, it's sad but i'm not sure my brother will ever see what he did to me and even if he does apologize, i won't ever feel the same about him again..
and lastly is the bf and his ability to still talk to people who have wronged me. i'm not going to tell him to stop talking to my brother because i know they are good friends (they hung out alot even before my breakup). but that doesn't diminish that he acts like it never happened. this bothers me to no end and a part of me thinks, "he knows how much i was hurt so why doesn't he stand up and demand an apology or a gesture of remorse on my part?"
also, the bf talks to our friend Paramo and it's the same situation as with my brother. he hangs out with this person and even though we have been friends for somewhere around 5 or almost 6 years, i probably won't ever be able to hang out with him again, either. this is because (in short) i have a big girl crush on his gf, she knows this and she kissed me multiple times even though she knows he doesn't like this. i went to see her at her dorm and..keep in mind we were trashed... she kissed me knowing full well how i felt. then a huge argument happened between her and her roommate and the ending was me basically being blamed for the whole situation. her bf wanted her to make it clear to me that this would never happen again and i haven't heard from her since.
i basically became the scapegoat and she hid behind the "im not like that" excuse.
so i lost two good friends and a brother and the bf goes about hanging out with them like nothing happened even though in both situations i was wronged...this bothers me and i finally said something. not that anything can really be done about it but at least i said it
and these are the realizations i made today... (on top of getting a 15 percent on an intro i wrote for a paper) this doesn't exactly make me the happiest person in the world. so what is the solution?
go be in a bad mood with Army Boy because we both cheer the other one up. ya..i know i know but.. i love him in every sense of the word and friends make friends happy.
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