I'm going crazy!! i think it's my birth control, or rather, my new birth control. i was originally put on BC in 2007 because of my cysts and the pain they caused. of course the added benefit is that it prevents me from getting pregnant. that was four years ago in january and i requested a new brand because my old brand wasn't helping my pain. so this new pill, which i've been on for about 5-6 weeks, is making me feel unlike my normal self. my mood is horrible. i'm cranky, bitchy, tired and quite frankly everyone on the planet is making me annoyed. the one exception to this is *drumroll* Army Boy. of course. he seems to be the exception to everything in my life.
so even though i know my mood is due to a hormonal imbalance, i still couldn't help myself from thinking, "why him?" and having nostalgic feelings for the relationship we had. i think to myself...
"i had the chance to end things and start again with him. i obviously get hung up on him talking to other girls and having an intimate relationship with them. he's always there when i need him to be. and not necessarily because i ask him to be but, he genuinely cares for me and only wants me to be open and honest about my life. he takes care of me. he gets concerned about me even though i'm not necessarily his to worry over. sure i don't take priority in his life anymore but he knows me so well that he knows what's going on just in the way i may sigh or have a glance at something. so why then did i not choose him?"
and seriously this has been bothering me for a while now. things are going good in my relationship right now except for some medical things which affect my mood and make me a less than perfect girlfriend. why did i not choose him? and then i remember why and it all comes down to how different my relationship could be were i to be with Army Boy. and maybe i didn't give him the benefit of the doubt but it's in the way he differs from the bf. the difference is, gentleness.
Army Boy is ridiculously kind when he wants to be. i can see right through his asshole-ish act. even when he's being an ass its hard to stay mad at him. he's extremely dominant and this is where the difference lies. the bf isn't necessarily dominant in an exuberant way. he's very serious but in a toned down manner. alot of the time i can't take him seriously because my personality is more dominant than his. Army Boy is dominant and sort of instills a fear in me that's exciting. but this difference is important because the opposite isn't necessarily submissive but it's gentle and passionate.
if you haven't gathered from the subtle hints by now, i'm talking sexually. there are just certain things i'm into and i need a dominant personality to satisfy me. the bf isn't dominant in the way i'd like him to be and Army Boy isn't gentle in the way id like him to be. and maybe i didn't give either of them a chance to be a complete package? maybe i'm expecting too much? maybe i'm not giving enough? i don't know. but my nostalgic feelings are taking precedence over other things in my life and i can't help but think...
i really missed him when we stopped spending alot of time together.
blink-182 is our band and i hear them everywhere right now.
i remember the feelings i had when our relationship was brand new and those feelings are addicting.
i hate that he has probably slept with a girl or girls since we've been apart.
i don't want him out of my life.
did i not give him the benefit of the doubt about his capabilities?
but then another part of me thinks...
if he can't be gentle, i don't think i would emotionally be able to have dominant sex all the time.
do i want to risk ending my relationship with the bf?
my feelings regarding other girls would always be uneasy and idk if i wanna deal with that.
basically, my hormones are throwing my thoughts and feelings into whack and my many questions seem like they're always going to be unanswered. things aren't horrible with the bf but it's saddens me to go through my day having flashbacks to when i was truly happy. and i can't decipher if i'm not giving my current relationship a chance or if i really passed up something great.
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