Quick Thought

i'm sleepy but felt this needed to get off my chest.

two small things:

1) my medical problems keep getting more complicated. i should be scheduled for (minor) surgery the beginning of april. the doctor is going in to see about my ovarian cysts and check for possible endometriosis. my pain is getting worse and i'm desperately trying to get my hands on any pain meds i possibly can even though they don't work as they should. i'm scared but honestly, i'm kind of hoping she finds something, even if it is bad news, because then i'll know what's wrong with me and could possibly be treated properly. and if it is endometriosis then it could explain why my immune system is horrible, why my digestive system is always out of whack, possibly why i'm always tired and probably lots of other things. the bad news, well, the more bad news is that if it ends up i do have this (on top of my polycystic ovarian syndrome) then the likelyhood of infertility is highly likely. i've kind of decided i didn't want kids just because my body is so messed up, but having that choice taken away from me rather than me deciding on my own sucks because deep down i would love to have a little boy. i just wish i could find out what was wrong so i could stop being in pain all the time...

2) i am kind of starting to miss my brother. only slightly and only today. i wanted to go to a concert and i would've asked my brother to go but, we aren't talking. i would go to another rave but i don't want to see him even though he's a cool big brother and we had a lot of fun. small things like this are what make me miss him, but then i think of how badly he treated me. and not just because of what happened because of alena and her stupid meddling. i mean other times like him offering to buy the bf a ticket to something but not me, him getting me a dumb stuffed doll for xmas when i bought him a $75+ outfit and he bought the bf something really expensive. it just shows how he never took the time to actually think about me. and that sucks too

ok, i just needed to get those off my chest. i'm sleepy and my medication is kicking in. thanks for listening. good night

i just wish everything could be okay.