Do Not Pass Go. Move Back 5 Spaces...

.: this is a bit of a rant :.

today was nice. although i was extremely chipper yesterday, today i wasn't unhappy. i was just quiet and contented.

i truly believe what you send out is what you'll get back. i believe in the universe and it's balance. this can be the only explanation for why things went so horribly wrong today...

it was because i was ecstatic yesterday.

today i found out my eldest sister was in labor with my soon to be born niece, Paige. yay! sooo in the spirit of trying to heal my broken family, i text my other sister (who if you'll remember correctly just had her own baby girl) that our sister is in labor and had thrown in the plans for a surprise bday party for my mom in decemeber and if she'd like to attend then i'll gladly buy her ticket.

(rewind for a sec.. my sister holds grudges for a very long time. my mom has wronged her so they dont speak. both my sisters don't speak because of something that happened and i'm the only one who talks to said sister who holds grudges. ergo, i try and take hold of chances to mend fences).

this didn't work out so well. i got a text back that pretty much said, i dont care and maybe one day it'll sink in so next time you feel like telling me this, dont because you piss me off.

wow. harsh. i cried at work. it sucked. but the universe (and this just hit me as i was typing this) sent me Army Boy who called me right as i had tears welling up in my eyes. in less than a minute he had me feeling better. love him...

so we talk and talk until it's time for him to sleep (he's three hours ahead of me) and then i read my book. kinda sad again so my mood is very distant. i'm at the ex's house because now that we're friends we can hang out casually, plus my husky lives there so it's unavoidable anyway. he knows i'm having a shit day so we go out for sushi. YUMMO! this should brighten my night, or what's left of it anyway. too bad this doesn't quite pan out.

we go to dinner, things are fine. i'm kinda bummed, yes, but we have nice convo about stuff (i can't really remember). we have some serious talk about drama going on right now, we discuss the dynamics of our relationship as it currently stands and then.. the dreaded "and then"..

he goes and messes it up by asking if i've kissed anyone since we've split. i tell him yes but that's it. AND THEN he goes on to torture himself by asking who was better. now, let me explain something about him... the reason i was always mad at him while we were dating is because he was stupid at times. this is an example of that stupidity..... anyway, i tell him i'm not answering that question. that that question goes along with the unaskable question like, "how many people have you slept with?" and then he asks me why. *sigh* i tell him i'm not getting into it and he pushes further. so i tell him that it's not that it's bad, it's just that it's different. it's a different way of kissing because i'm not kissing him. it's a neutral answer. neither bad nor good. so it's like i've answered it without really answering it. sly, i think. i'm smart and have evaded this topic.

AND THEN...

he says that he kissed someone else and didn't like it. BAM! right there i divert my eyes away from him and drink my water as i stare at some commercial of rabbits laughing at a rattle snake because it had a baby rattle on the end of its tail instead of a snake rattle. (was actually really funny). in silence we sit. and sit. and sit, until finally it occurs to him to get the check. i don't look at him the whole way home (im driving) and we get to the house, i go inside and get the book i was reading, explain i feel sick and get water, then tell him i feel like crap and need to leave.

i really did feel like crap.

he tries to hug me and i'm just not having it. tries to look at me and i look away. asks me if i'm mad and i shake my head profusely as i very quickly walk to my car. opens it and talks but i'm over it and just get in and either shake or nod my head to watever he's trying to say or ask or whatever... why? why does he do stupid shit? why does he feel the need to ask things like that?

fast forward to, i'm at home and just got out of the shower. my fone has 3 missed texts and two missed calls. so i text back and it goes something like me asking what he wants and him saying he got worried cuz i didn't text that i was home and he felt bad because i got sick so fast and then me saying it was him and my diet pill that made me sick. (the pill really did upset my stomach) but it was him saying he kissed someone else that made me feel like throwing up. it took him a while to understand what i meant AND THEN.. and then he goes on to explain that he's never kissed anyone else and he just made it up because he wanted me to say that i missed kissing him because he's insecure about being replaced..

might i say, "what the fuck?"... i told him that was mean and then i explained the situation i'm in. that i'm in constant conflict with my own choices every single day and when he does stupid stuff like this, it only hurts him. so, he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and he tries to end the night (like 15 mins later) with a joke and a warm good night text. i just say "good night".

and you know, it's not about whether he kissed someone. i couldn't care because, lord knows, i've kissed Army Boy and then a lot more. so that's not the issue. it's that he said something about it, and it was a lie. but before i knew it was a lie, it was that he told me. just because we're single doesn't mean i want to hear about it. how rude and insensitive and thoughtless and careless.. i've never, ever done anything like that! ever! and i would never tell a flat out lie like that. jeebus! lie by omission. fine. but flat out?!!?

either way, the universe balanced out my amazing day by giving me a day where two people i love alot cut me very deeply. i'm starting to feel bipolar. i'm starting to feel like i can't go through this on my own anymore. i'd hate to go back to therapy but some days it just feels necessary. and i've never toyed with the idea of needing an Rx to help me but some happy pills wouldn't hurt right now. i feel crazy at times and i just feel so lost