Bipolar

so it was brought to my attention by the ex that i'm two completely different people when it comes to him and when it comes to Army Boy.

Since my last rant the ex and i haven't exactly been on the same page in terms of keeping the peace amongst ourselves. a few days ago we had a talk because he found a picture on my own desktop and freaked out and, long story short, he said i was two different people. i'm saying and doing things with him but acting a different way with Army Boy. basically more positively towards Army Boy. i'm holding double standards which he doesn't understand and thinks is unfair and doesn't get why i think it's okay to act in such a way... to his benefit, the ex is right about me being different. i can see his point of view and if i were him i wouldn't get me either.

The thing is though, i feel exactly how he sees me. Like two different people.
And its literally tearing me down inside.

I feel crazy all the time. Like the two people inside of me are fighting with one another. And i hate it. It seems like the talks with the ex are never ending because there's always something new to be upset about. we just had another mishap last night and i feel like i shouldn't see him anymore. but, i don't want to lose my friendship with him. cuz we have a good one. yes i do keep things to myself but they're things i don't really tell anyone except andreina. but really, could we still be friends? he doesn't think so. i think i could put in the effort it would take to never lose him.

but on the other hand (because i'm realistic and look all all possible scenarios)..

could i only be friends with Army Boy? would he stick around if we didn't end up together? according to the ex he can't stop who i'm friends with but he'd always be on edge because of the history Army Boy and i have with one another. and even so, he's not here to talk with yet. there's a list of topics we have to discuss and this, obviously, is one of them. the ex and i have discussed the dynamics of our relationship and how it stands as of now but i can't exactly do that with someone who isn't here which just makes me feel like i'm in a never ending limbo.

and then on top of that are other worries:
how different will life be when Army Boy is home?
will it be for the better or the worst?
what exactly is keeping me from making up my mind on what i want?

inevitabley someone is going to get hurt and it will most likely be me making the choice. i don't want to do that. Ever. so, instead of doing something i'm doing nothing. and as much as i don't like feeling stuck and like i'm not getting anywhere and like these problems aren't going away.. i like being here.



see what i mean? i'm bipolar right now. crazy. sad all the time but apparently not upset enough to fix the situation. i'm laying in dirty dish water with an amputated limb and i'm just laying here.. not asking for help. not trying to help myself. just. laying. i think things will change once Army Boy is back and we can talk about things. i just have to wait until then. that's if my amputated limb doesn't become infected and then infect my whole body and i die...

hopefully i can wait just long enough.