I am trying very very hard to not drown. It seems that every time i try to take a piece of something good and put it in my pocket for later, i'm not able to use it. It slips through my fingers and i'm back to feeling as if i have nothing to be thankful for.I'm trying not to say, "it's hard" and give up on myself. But it hurts. What else is there to say? I'm tired of hurting about the same thing over and over. A broken record in my head of events that were ruined, words that broke a perfect day, answers that seem to not come... a looming day that i don't want to face.
I don't want to give up on myself. I don't want to chicken out. But i also don't know how to feel or act anymore. I think i'd rather not feel and think than play that same old record. That's both a good and bad decision i suppose. It seems i've taken many deep breaths and i'm not calm. Many headaches today...
We had an awkward day today. A mutual friend of ours was over so of course that was.. nice. Then when it was just us things changed. I was reserved, and although he was trying to be pleasant with me, i just wasn't having it. I honestly don't really know why i feel so uncomfortable now. Ate dinner and started to watch a movie and for some reason or another it was paused and our conversation began...
He asked me why i can't say i love him anymore, how i felt about him, how i felt about this particular thing or that particular thing, if we're still dating (to which i replied, "is that what you want to call this?" so i think our status isn't even dating anymore. it's like Limbo). Most of these questions i couldn't really answer so i just stared at our fishtank; at my new little baby starfish and my new slug Hubert. I felt relieved when enough time had passed so i could say i needed to go to work. As i gathered my things, i got on the topic of me wanting my paitings/drawings back. His eyes filled with tears and i felt like a horrible person for even asking. "Well that's not very confidence inspiring.." was the response i received to my inquiry; another blow. I also gave him back his dog's name tag (when he died i put it on my keychain).
As he walked me to my car and stood in front of my open door, he apologized. Why? "For not making you happier". Damn. How much can one girl take in the span of five minutes?.. and as i started to drive away the tears fell no matter how much i didn't want them to. It's not like i don't remember every precious moment we've had together. I felt, well feel, guilty that i started this "situation" business but, during our conversation i made a comment to something he said; something along the lines of "well it's not like i chose this because it's fun". i think i was retaliating and basically saying i made this decision because of his actions...
So this brings my mental record to a full circle. i hate this situation we're in but i did it because of you.. but i plan on sticking with my decision. If how i deal with a situation and the pain it brings is what defines me, then i hope i can say i'm a strong person even though i'm complaining.
In spite of the many tears i've shed today, i'm not giving up on what i think to be the best decision for everyone involved and ultimately the best decision for me.
To leave off this depressing post, here's a quote from Andreina that's been running through my head since she said it last night.. it's been my little piece of color in my gray day.
.: I wish we could pay for things in kisses
and make down payments in hugs:.
He asked me why i can't say i love him anymore, how i felt about him, how i felt about this particular thing or that particular thing, if we're still dating (to which i replied, "is that what you want to call this?" so i think our status isn't even dating anymore. it's like Limbo). Most of these questions i couldn't really answer so i just stared at our fishtank; at my new little baby starfish and my new slug Hubert. I felt relieved when enough time had passed so i could say i needed to go to work. As i gathered my things, i got on the topic of me wanting my paitings/drawings back. His eyes filled with tears and i felt like a horrible person for even asking. "Well that's not very confidence inspiring.." was the response i received to my inquiry; another blow. I also gave him back his dog's name tag (when he died i put it on my keychain).
As he walked me to my car and stood in front of my open door, he apologized. Why? "For not making you happier". Damn. How much can one girl take in the span of five minutes?.. and as i started to drive away the tears fell no matter how much i didn't want them to. It's not like i don't remember every precious moment we've had together. I felt, well feel, guilty that i started this "situation" business but, during our conversation i made a comment to something he said; something along the lines of "well it's not like i chose this because it's fun". i think i was retaliating and basically saying i made this decision because of his actions...
So this brings my mental record to a full circle. i hate this situation we're in but i did it because of you.. but i plan on sticking with my decision. If how i deal with a situation and the pain it brings is what defines me, then i hope i can say i'm a strong person even though i'm complaining.
In spite of the many tears i've shed today, i'm not giving up on what i think to be the best decision for everyone involved and ultimately the best decision for me.
To leave off this depressing post, here's a quote from Andreina that's been running through my head since she said it last night.. it's been my little piece of color in my gray day.
.: I wish we could pay for things in kisses
and make down payments in hugs:.
aaahhhh i completely identify with you right now. i think this is a decision that i am vastly approaching... not one i want to make but most likely the best one for me. some things just won't work and just aren't healhty right? we have to make the best decisions for ourselves because that is really the best decision for everyone involved.
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