so i made the phone call last week... it seriously sucked. it took me forever to get any words out. i said that i didn't think he should get me from the airport because of expectations that i know he has and that theres no way i could reciprocate. really i don't remember much specifics. eventually i started crying which lasted for about an hour. i went on to say that i don't treat him how he should be treated and i'm not okay with that. that i am always seen as the bad person because people come to his defense...
he responded that he doesn't need defending. he doesn't really mind when i'm a bitch or when i yell because he looks past it to the relationship we have and i'm the only one he's interested in. he has a really negative world view and doesn't see many people, or any new people really, as worth getting to know because they're so desensitized to the world around them and no one thinks. everyone is stupid and has no education...the only things worth caring about are the dog and me. so he doesn't mind that i'm not always the best to him.
but i told him that it's not right and that's not the person i want to be. i haven't been happy for a while unless we're high or in bed and i don't like that either because it makes me objectify him and i don't like that about myself. i said that i think i stopped trying after the phone incident because i really tried and it wasn't enough for him to believe me. i also said that i blamed my brother and the stupid bitch for that. if they had stuck their noses out of it, we would have gone on the way we were which i thought was fine. then he said i couldn't blame them which is total BS because that situation wouldn't have happened if they had come to me first.
this lead into me saying that i also have alot of resentment because that situation showed that my brother didn't think of me as his sister, or even a person because i wasn't chosen first. he was chosen over me and that left such a huge scar inside that i still resent him for it. by this point i was screaming and sobbing...
it hurt, this convo...it hurt alot. because i don't hate him. i still love him. i'm sure i'll always love him. i just don't think that makes up for the person that i've changed into even though he doesn't seem to mind. the bottom line is that i wasn't okay with the way things were going and i didn't want to do that to him or myself anymore. it was so hard to hang up the phone. i really didn't want to...he didn't understand how i can say i care for him but not want to be with him. so, as of the moment when we hung up the phone, i have to deal with the fact that i may never talk to or see him again. ever. it's not how i would want things to be but it's what he can handle...that's what was so hard for me. someone who has been my friend for over six years, been my boyfriend for a little under six years, someone who's been influential and monumental in my life is no longer there.
i cried myself to sleep that night. i really felt like shit; not only about ending an important relationship in my life but also because, in the midst of my screaming about how unimportant i am to my brother, i really felt like i wasn't important enough to love or to receive any sort of affection. part of me somewhere has really just stopped caring.
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