and my answer is, Army Boy makes me happy. being with him makes me happy. his cheesy jokes and his laugh make me happy. his deep kisses and milkshake hugs make me happy. being his submissive makes me happy.
i'm not really happy anymore with Mr. Big. i'm sure i will always be in love with him but loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that you're good as a couple. we're great friends. we've always been really great friends. best friends. but somewhere that got lost in translation and the tribulations of being in a relationship made things go very wrong. i no longer am excited to see him, i kind of use him as an object and it's tiring being fake. it's not someone i want to be either. and i feel guilty
i'm always feeling guilty. i hate it
and his birthday is in about two or three weeks and i'm not sure what to do. tell him before i come home? after i come home? before i come home but after his birthday? i just don't know. i'm a nice person, really, and i think why it's been hard for me to end things time and time again is because i'm not into making him feel hurt. i'd rather grin and bare it then hurt him but i just can't do that anymore.
Army Boy makes me really happy and it took me being away from home to see that he's all i think about and i want to spend my time with him. all of my time. i feel things for him that i don't for Mr. Big and the things that i feel, i won't get them anywhere else. i have no interest in getting them anywhere else except from him.
so although i'm sure i want to go to therapy when i get back home, i also want to be with Army Boy. therapy needs to come first i'm sure. i wanna go, lay out all my drama and solve watever is making me have anxiety because that's one of the reasons i left. i always felt anxious about something, i wasn't sleeping, i really had no energy to go out and do anything... i just want to revamp myself inside and out and be a better me and start fresh Army Boy.
because he makes me happy and i want to make him happy
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