today i went to a 1.5hr workshop on..you guessed it..Ethical Decision Making. during the workshop though, i started feeling guilty. i don't really feel guilty for things because, well, i try to live my life with no regrets. if something happened, good or bad, i take the consequences and deal with them appropriately. i try not to feel guilty because guilt implies that you wish you hadn't done something and this goes against "No Regrets". now, while i wish there would have been some things i hadn't done or things that i had done differently, i don't think i've ever felt guilt over it. badly, yes. angry at myself, yes. but guilt?...nope i don't think so.
except for today. during my lecture on ethical decision making. of course, it would have to be today. now, why do i feel guilty?
because i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i'm not sure how honest i want to be yet, if ever. how honest do i really need to be? i don't know but probably not too honest. so i'll just say that, while i've had my ring off i detached from the bf and grew closer to Army Boy and while i don't regret what i received, i do feel guilty.
guilt over my loss of direction, guilt over how good i felt, guilt because i question everything i do, guilt because i want two things at once, guilt because i don't know if i'm dragging this relationship out, guilt because i sometimes feel like it's not worth giving up, guilt because i sometimes act like it is worth giving up...i just feel damn guilty for so many things and i don't know what to do.
how bad would it be if i were to say, "i need to break up, again, but this time it's not you. it's me. i know you can't do anymore than you are already doing, and i appreciate that, but the bottom line is, i'm not sure i can receive it. i don't know if i want to love you anymore. why? because it's too stressful and i hate how our relationship gets crazy when we get serious. why is it so important to be so serious right now? my life is in an onward/upward motion out of here and i'm not sure i want to focus on our relationship when i leave...etc etc etc".
because that's what i said. i said that the other night to the bf while we were discussing if we were going to stay together.
we, well i was yelling and he was staying "composed and stone-ish" as usual. we discussed how he thought i was wrong and how i thought he was wrong when it came to the phone situation..long story short (only because i can't remember details) he decided he wanted to say yes to the relationship and expected me to hug him, say i love him and everything would be okay. and then i layed down on the bed and continued to say everything stated above. i told him that just because he hugs me doesn't take away the hurt and anger i have. i told him that i wasn't sure i wanted in the relationship anymore...of course it ended with us staying together but, i haven't put my ring back on and i can't say i love him when he says it to me.
i don't know what i'm doing and my actions/thoughts are making me feel guilty. he told me, "sometimes i think the only reason you stay with me is because you don't like the idea of me being with someone else". and you know, he's right. i don't like that idea and i know that's one of the reasons i can't break up. another reason is because of our history together. but other than that, i don't know. i feel like i can only act so much and everything else is just bullshit.
how do i say this...? i say i'm in the relationship but deep down inside i don't feel it and i don't know if i'm doing this on purpose or if i actually don't want to be in the relationship anymore.
where do i draw the line? 
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