Flashback

So all this talk about change and decisions, thinking and analyzing and worrying..
will the answers come or not?
are the choices right?
is it the right direction?
etc...

it seems that other obstacles happen along and things become more complicated. a bunch of separate complications mixed with the main situation becoming more complicated.. shit.

when will it end?

lately i not only have been thinking about the aforementioned questions but i've also just been mulling over aspects of myself which i'm having a hard time coming to terms with. now, as cliche as it sounds and i myself am quite tired of hearing about it, i've come across a situation this week that made me think about how, although i've changed, i still battle with self image issues. Seven years is a long time to deal with them and they never really leave you. it's not a constant battle anymore but i feel like it comes in waves now. Really. Big. Waves.


let me rewind a little bit.. i got into a fight with Mr. Marine because i think he is in an unhealthy friendship. i think this because this girl is going through similar life issues that i went through, she's my age, and she still hasn't dealt with her issues. she's using him as a crutch and he's letting himself feel obligated to help her but in reality he's hurting her. long story short i say choose the tough love route because in the long run it will help her.

but in thinking about her i've thought about the issues i dealt with and i'm thankful that i was able to pull myself through it. even if it did take me seven years. but now i feel like the waves came rushing back and i'm not liking this feeling.

i keep going over who i was when i started falling apart. the events in my life that lead to future decisions. how i dealt with my pain. i dont regret one second. not one. i don't believe in regretting life, either good or bad, because it made you who you are right now. and if you don't like who you are you can always change that. but then when i feel and think those same things that i did back then, how much have i Really changed? i believe i have grown and learned and am nowhere near that person i was. but deep down i know she's still there. i hear her talking and i hear her thinking and i feel exactly what it feels like to be unhappy through her feelings. she brings me down sometimes and right now she is holding me down..

but in reality, she is me. we are one in the same. i can never escape who i was. but it's always a scary thought to know that she's there...