Human Push Broom

that's what i am. i just push people away and i push my feelings down. obviously it isn't working so well...the feelings part anyway. pushing people away though, still perfect.

took a shower last night and tried not to cry.
woke up this morning...same thing.

all day at work it was basically all i thought about. i hate having feelings because they're usually not wrong and that's the part i hate the most. i wish i could be wrong. but i know i'm not. so what to do?

first i need to figure out how much of the freak out is necessary.
then i need to figure out how much of it is me and how much of it is (other).
thirdly i need to deal with it. and i want to deal with it all at once. like a bandaid. that shit hurts if you're a bitch about it so i needa be a bamf and just rip it off all at once.

that's the hard part. confrontation. i'm good at it when i'm angry but basically any other time it's not my favorite. i'm good at it when i need to be but i'm not sure how it'll work this time.

i feel like the more i think about it the more i'm just making myself crazy. crazy. crazy. i feel fucking crazy!!! i'm not this person and i don't want to be this person but FUCK...that's what this is turning me into and if it won't change, or if i can't be convinced otherwise then it won't work. which is sad because i want this to work really badly. but make no mistake that i will drop this situation like a hot tamale because i don't deal with bullshit and especially after what i've been going through with the relationship crap, i definitely won't stand around unless it's 100 percent secure.

which is exactly what i don't feel right now. i feel like i'm on a fucking cliff. i felt like it was there and then i went looking for it even though it's smarter not to look for the edge and now i'm too scared to move off it....

fuck.

i feel like Ursula took my voice and put it in her shell necklace to keep forever and ever

i don't feel like myself.


the day before yesterday, Army Boy had spent the night and when he left in the morning he forgot his fone. Mr. Big text me asking if he could come over for a bit which was fine. i wasn't exactly in the mood for company seeing as i hadn't slept and was moody but we're trying to work out the semantics of our relationship/friendship/watever you want to call it so i bit the bullet and let him come over.

Army Boy IM'd me and said he's coming over anyway to get his fone. awesome. now i have to figure out how to make Mr. Big not encounter Army Boy because that's just awkward and wasn't something i wanted to deal with. it would have worked too except that apparently Army Boy wasn't being very incognito and was, according to Mr. Big "mad dogging" Mr. Big so Mr Big comes back into my house to point it out to me....i have to go over to Army Boy's car and give him his fone right in front of Mr. Big. awesome. just wat i wanted to do. so Mr. Big takes off and that's that. i didn't bother going out to lunch with him because if i wasn't in the mood to talk i'm sure he wasn't either.

anyway, now things are just a little weird between me and Mr. Big and idk quite what i'm doing to Army Boy but it's definitely a distance thing. i got kind of buzzed last night and when i get liquored up i get really gabby and just can talk talk talk. so of course that's when i do alot of texting because, one it's fun and two, it's kind of the excuse i need to talk about things i can't normally talk about.

so i ask Army Boy if we can finish our convo about "being official/unofficial". i'm an official type of person but i'm sure i'm not alone in saying that girls like to be asked out and don't want things to be assumed that they're someone's girlfriend. i want to be asked. it may be trivial and somewhat high school-ish but i don't give a fuck. i don't want to go on assuming things. anyway, even though i want to be asked, i don't want to be asked right now. we may be doing bf/gf things and acting like we're dating but i don't want the title. it takes it to a different level and i don't think i'm ready for that yet. i'm not seeing anybody else or have any interest in seeing anyone else but i still don't want to walk around with the title of girlfriend yet. it's really official and it takes the relationship to a more serious level. regardless if i act that way i don't think i'm ready for the title.


among other important reasons which i'm sure i'll discuss with my therapist (i got a therapist on tuesday btw), the most important is that i just got out of a relationship and i don't want to get into another official relationship too soon. i know i'm not totally ready to do that and to prevent fucking things up i'd rather keep it fluid and unofficial for now. seems like there's less to screw up that way.

as for the therapist thing, that happened on tuesday. i had been really moody a few days before and started closing myself off from people, especially Army Boy. the appointment went fine. pretty standard. taking background info on me, my health, my family, my relationship with family members, my love relationships and the stats on that and then that was that. the only problem is that i'm on my dad's insurance and for billing purposes they needed his address and social security number. obviously i don't have those stashed away with me so i had to call him for them. didn't want him to know so i've been avoiding him since that fone call. not something i want to deal with but i'm obviously going to downplay it as much as possible. i know what he's thinking. i've seen a therapist before because i was depressed and cutting so he probably thinks i'm back there again. which i'm not but i am but not to the extent which i'm sure he thinks im at.

but really, i don't know what's going on with me. i've never felt less like myself before. i'm insecure and needy and paranoid and have negative thoughts and feelings all the time....it's kind of hard to feel that way with Army Boy around me basically 24/7. you think it would help but it kind of makes it worse in a way because i'm not someone who talks about things easily so he can tell when somethings wrong and it sort of just emphasizes whatever is going on in my head.

honestly, i want it to be tuesday. i have a running appointment with the therapist for noon every tuesday. i want to go and just have word vomit. there's obviously stuff i'm not saying on here but with my dr it was so easy to just keep talking and talking. i'm sure part of it is that i willing chose to go to her but there i have no reservations about what i'm saying. i felt kind of sad leaving because i don't want to be back in a place where i need therapy but i guess it can only do good things for me and my relationships. and especially since i want to be a therapist it's good to know what it's like on the other side.

i wish i could just stay in a glitter la-la land. that would be nice.

can't sleep.

i can't sleep.
i can't sleep.
i cannot sleep.
i want to sleep.
and i can't.

i'm just having a total disconnect with human interaction. yesterday it was way awkward with Mr. Big and today it totally just fell apart while i was with Army Boy.

opening up is something that's hard for me to do so i'd rather not than subject myself to be seen. and it's way easier to be honest and forthcoming with innermosts when there's distance to absorb the uneasiness. and this is such a problem because i'm forthcoming to a fault with Army Boy and the farther away i am the more i'll say. this is good but the bad side is that when we're together and something is clearly wrong with me i won't say a thing. and i know it's all over my face. i'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore.

and honestly, when i say "nothing" it's because i mean it. what's wrong...? "nothing". nothing i feel like talking about right now. and just because i say nothing doesn't necessarily mean i won't ever say anything...it just means that at that moment nothing is wrong because i don't feel like talking about it. or talking at all.

which is why i haven't been blogging as of late i suppose. there's a lot going on and i really don't feel like talking about it but i can definitely feel an attitude change. i came home and started smoking and sleeping in late and trying to deal with stuff that i left behind for a month and it's not fun. facing shit isn't fun and i really wish there was a "no" button for life's situations and then you wouldn't have to deal with hard things. they would just magically be solved for better or worse and that's that. the end.

i wish.

so after that rant i'm trying to tie it into the beginning. i can't sleep. and i really can't place why i can't sleep. maybe i can but i really don't want to talk about it....

maybe that's the problem?

Wa-Wa Washington pt.2

so a day or two after my convo i went to the beach for the weekend with my sister and the kids... i had no energy to do anything and one of the days i basically didn't say anything at all. this has to do with my sister as well, unfortunately. she's a bigger bitch than i can be at times. i cook dinner and she gets mad that i didn't use the pan she would've used, i get stuff out of the car but locked it and she forgot something from it, everything she says is condescending and she acts like i'm a retarded kid. she expects me to act like she did at my age...but by this age she was married, divorced and stuck in a different state fending for herself because my parents refused to help her. um...i'm not stupid enough to follow a military guy across the US in my early twenties. so of course i'm not going to act how she wants me to act....i've looked at changing flights twice so i can come home early. the stress from the phone call and my sisters bitchy attitude have been too much for me to handle.

two nights ago i called drein sobbing and hyperventilating... i really couldn't handle it here anymore. i'm alone. i have no interest in sight seeing because i'm by myself and i really don't feel like going anywhere with my sister, my sisters attitude sucks...if i were home and sulking i could deal better because i could always go see drein or go someplace i know and just relax but here, there's nothing really to do. none of my plans have worked out so far which seems to be the story of my life...i'm just over it. and for a day or two (altho i didn't tell Army Boy) i really didn't want him to text me. i really do miss him and cant wait to see him but while i was at the beach i was so unhappy i didn't even want him to tell me that he missed me or loved me. i felt like affection was just too much to handle. i didn't really reciprocate but i didn't want to go all bipolar on him.

which brings me to my next point...as much as i want to be with him, i don't want to supplement my feelings of loss with feelings of something new. because i'm really good at ignoring my feelings if i have something else to pay attention to and i don't feel like that's fair to him because, more than likely, it'll bite me in the ass. so i think (and i'm saying it alot) that if i do therapy that this will help me. and i'm saying it alot because it makes me feel more like i should go. i'm always saying that i need to fix myself, deal with my shit...but what shit do i have to deal with?

well obviously i have to deal with Mr. Big and all those issues.
i have to deal with resentment over what my brother did.
i have to deal with anxiety...my not sleeping, me always wanting to smoke, self destructive feelings, food worries (when i work out).
i have to deal with my general DGAF attitude. Army Boy has pointed it out to me that i have that general attitude alot and, really, i don't see it. i just think, if i don't wanna i don't wanna but i seriously can't think of specific instances where that would be a prob but i guess i do say dgaf alot which means that i prolly do have that attitude about alot of things

i think thats it.

once ive started to deal with these things, i think then i'll be ready to fully put my emotional self in the relationship without feeling guilty or something. cuz i was a bit buzzed the other night and while i meant wat i said, i also think it was premature. i told him that i wanted to be officially his. i meant it. i just think that i'd be so emotionally not ready to or if i tried to be, something would go wrong and that's not fair. i told him that i didn't want him to have to deal with my shit because that's not right to ask especially if we're supposed to be starting over together.

i like that thought tho...him and i being together and it'll be new. any shit he and i went through won't be a thought because it wont matter to him or me. we'll be together and that's what we both want.

Wa-Wa Washington pt.1

so i made the phone call last week... it seriously sucked. it took me forever to get any words out. i said that i didn't think he should get me from the airport because of expectations that i know he has and that theres no way i could reciprocate. really i don't remember much specifics. eventually i started crying which lasted for about an hour. i went on to say that i don't treat him how he should be treated and i'm not okay with that. that i am always seen as the bad person because people come to his defense...

he responded that he doesn't need defending. he doesn't really mind when i'm a bitch or when i yell because he looks past it to the relationship we have and i'm the only one he's interested in. he has a really negative world view and doesn't see many people, or any new people really, as worth getting to know because they're so desensitized to the world around them and no one thinks. everyone is stupid and has no education...the only things worth caring about are the dog and me. so he doesn't mind that i'm not always the best to him.

but i told him that it's not right and that's not the person i want to be. i haven't been happy for a while unless we're high or in bed and i don't like that either because it makes me objectify him and i don't like that about myself. i said that i think i stopped trying after the phone incident because i really tried and it wasn't enough for him to believe me. i also said that i blamed my brother and the stupid bitch for that. if they had stuck their noses out of it, we would have gone on the way we were which i thought was fine. then he said i couldn't blame them which is total BS because that situation wouldn't have happened if they had come to me first.

this lead into me saying that i also have alot of resentment because that situation showed that my brother didn't think of me as his sister, or even a person because i wasn't chosen first. he was chosen over me and that left such a huge scar inside that i still resent him for it. by this point i was screaming and sobbing...

it hurt, this convo...it hurt alot. because i don't hate him. i still love him. i'm sure i'll always love him. i just don't think that makes up for the person that i've changed into even though he doesn't seem to mind. the bottom line is that i wasn't okay with the way things were going and i didn't want to do that to him or myself anymore. it was so hard to hang up the phone. i really didn't want to...he didn't understand how i can say i care for him but not want to be with him. so, as of the moment when we hung up the phone, i have to deal with the fact that i may never talk to or see him again. ever. it's not how i would want things to be but it's what he can handle...that's what was so hard for me. someone who has been my friend for over six years, been my boyfriend for a little under six years, someone who's been influential and monumental in my life is no longer there.

i cried myself to sleep that night. i really felt like shit; not only about ending an important relationship in my life but also because, in the midst of my screaming about how unimportant i am to my brother, i really felt like i wasn't important enough to love or to receive any sort of affection. part of me somewhere has really just stopped caring.

How?

how am i supposed to do this? it's better for me and it's better for him. but when i get texts that are "we" or song lyrics that make me laugh...it makes it that much harder to do it.

i need to.
i want to.
i want to be with Army Boy.

but how the fuck are you supposed to prepare yourself to really destroy someone? really. this sucks.

Is That Your Final Answer?

so i think i've finally made my decision. the past couple days have been rather... introspective. what makes me happy? who makes me happy? what past events have shaped the me i am today? you know, those types of questions...

and my answer is, Army Boy makes me happy. being with him makes me happy. his cheesy jokes and his laugh make me happy. his deep kisses and milkshake hugs make me happy. being his submissive makes me happy.


i'm not really happy anymore with Mr. Big. i'm sure i will always be in love with him but loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that you're good as a couple. we're great friends. we've always been really great friends. best friends. but somewhere that got lost in translation and the tribulations of being in a relationship made things go very wrong. i no longer am excited to see him, i kind of use him as an object and it's tiring being fake. it's not someone i want to be either. and i feel guilty

i'm always feeling guilty. i hate it

and his birthday is in about two or three weeks and i'm not sure what to do. tell him before i come home? after i come home? before i come home but after his birthday? i just don't know. i'm a nice person, really, and i think why it's been hard for me to end things time and time again is because i'm not into making him feel hurt. i'd rather grin and bare it then hurt him but i just can't do that anymore.


Army Boy makes me really happy and it took me being away from home to see that he's all i think about and i want to spend my time with him. all of my time. i feel things for him that i don't for Mr. Big and the things that i feel, i won't get them anywhere else. i have no interest in getting them anywhere else except from him.

so although i'm sure i want to go to therapy when i get back home, i also want to be with Army Boy. therapy needs to come first i'm sure. i wanna go, lay out all my drama and solve watever is making me have anxiety because that's one of the reasons i left. i always felt anxious about something, i wasn't sleeping, i really had no energy to go out and do anything... i just want to revamp myself inside and out and be a better me and start fresh Army Boy.

because he makes me happy and i want to make him happy