after that whole ordeal about whether or not i cheated and what i may or may not have done while i was broken up, i actually ignored the bf for a few days. i wouldn't answer his texts and i ignored his phone calls. i was really upset that he would call me. choose to believe "them" over me.
after about two days or so i decided it was about time for me to go to his house and get things straightened out. this was the most empty i had felt in years. literally empty. unfortunately, he was happy to see me. to him, i guess, me saying that i had been faithful was all he needed to hear and he was back in LaLa Land. for me, it was completely opposite. i don't quite remember what was said, but i was there for hours.
basically the important part was that, i was giving up. i was ready to break up.
For good.
i explained how i wasn't being given a second chance. no way for me to start over. he was bringing things up about Army Boy, always making it a big deal that i was still talking to him and constantly bringing up whether i had done something with him or not. to me this wasn't fair. we were broken up and my life without him was just that...without him. i had no obligation to tell him anything whether it be true or not. i felt that he wasn't letting me get over this hurdle, his friends had their own opinion about our relationship which made him doubt me, and now this situation...i felt that once i had put my ring back on we were starting new and i was being robbed of that promise. the promise that the past didn't exist and we could start fresh.
on top of that, i basically told my only brother and my sort of sister to fuck off. that's two less people in my life who were family. i really felt empty inside and that i didn't have enough in me to try to get past the situation and be in a relationship anymore. i was tired of having to try and try, be honest and be open because it obviously wasn't working out for me.
"so...are you breaking up with me?"
"i don't want to say yes but..."
i swear the silence after my reply was deafening and lasted forever. he held me and i just cried and cried, gasping for air...i really had given up at that point and was almost coming to terms with our relationship ending. at that moment i thought about Army Boy and myself being able to start a relationship. finally being given our chance because, even though i may not think about it as often, i know my love for him is still inside me. maybe our relationship would be better. maybe i could make him happy and i wouldn't have to deal with this type of drama.
after crying and talking over how i felt about running on empty. basically having two less people in my life and how i'm not sure i have anything left for him...it was a last ditch effort, i think. i told the bf that i felt nothing, and that i would like to feel something. he kissed me.
i told him i had conditions to us getting back together. one: if he wants to stay ignorant about the time i spend with Army Boy then that's his deal but he can't take it out on me. Army Boy was the door i needed to be open and he's too important to not be friends with. two: if there is another situation of my honesty being questioned and our break up is brought up once more, i'm done. i was promised a fresh start, a new relationship, and i expect nothing less. he promised.
since then, there have been a few issues but we've upheld our promises. communication has never been my strong suit, but texting is amazing for it. i have time to think, process my responses and things get discussed more easily that way. and we're open. nothing can't be asked or answered honestly, and if we have something that needs to be addressed because it's bothering us, there is no hesitation to ask.
i do feel a bit of longing once in a while when i hang out with Army Boy, especially since i was reminded of when he and i first started talking again. his hair is cut, his uniform was on and his attitude matched them... not necessarily the uniform thats attractive it's just his persona. then i started thinking about our road trip, when he stayed with me on leave, picking him up from the airport and running to his arms...all of theses things came flooding back and i missed him. i thought about when he asked me to live with him and sometimes when i watch him cook or vacuum i think of the relationship i could have had.
but i've agreed to give the bf my all in our relationship and so far it's been going great. i can only hope for the best from here on out...
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