i had a dr. apt and it didn't go so well. without giving too much detail i needed to get tests done and the possibility of having bad results made the bf freak out at me. he doesn't yell as he's excellent at being mechanical with his emotions, but he was very angry with me. kind of stoned face i guess is the best way to describe it. then our semi-heated discussion lead to Army Boy being brought into it... the bf is feeling quite insecure at the moment and sadly i just don't care anymore. i'm tired of having the same discussion over and over again and for a brief second, it made me question if giving him another chance was the right decision. maybe i should've broken it off for good after the alena situation happened.
another reason why i thought this was because of my reaction to Army Boy's weekend plans. now, seeing as i was in love with him, and actually am still in love with him (it's just a quiet spot rather than my head bursting out loud), i don't think my reaction put me in the wrong but he wasn't quite happy with how i reacted. he had plans for sum belated valentine's day thing today and then some girl is coming out of town to hang out with him. (he tried taking this back later saying she's not only going to see him. whatever). so i told him he should've lied to me. he didn't get it at all. then it was like a kitchen sink convo that lead into us having a schedule of days we see one another, how i act like a jealous gf but i'm not his gf, how maybe i shouldn't spend so much time with him and on and on. this text convo lasted over an hr...seriously i tried so hard not to cry. my intention wasn't for a full blown convo it was just me telling him i'm not ready to pretend i'm ok with him seeing other girls. obviously i'm not unrealistic, it's gonna happen. but i'm selfish and possessive and he's mine, even though he's not mine. it's just how i am. and i can only pretend so much but i didn't think it was a huge request to ask of him to just downplay other girls in his life. not to mention he's the type of guy who has nothing but female friends anyway so that right off the bat is like constant paranoia. i sound crazy, but really i'm not. i'm just in love with a person and the thought of him kissing anyone else brings out the worst in me...
anyway, so the fight with the bf was the night before and so for two days i've been thinking...have i made the right decision? have i given the bf too many chances? i was so possessive it was one of the reasons i couldn't let go in the first place but now it's affecting how i feel towards Army Boy. this really sucks. the bestie asked what i was going to do and probably i'm going to shrug it off. what it comes down to is, my mother was right. i didn't have to choose between the two- they compliment each other. where one falls short the other picks up the slack- really, i wasn't ready to choose. but i did and now i have to see it through whether we stay together or not. i have to put forth my best effort no matter the outcome and just swallow my possessive words in regards to Army Boy. but at least he knows how i feel, i was honest..now it's just up to him on whether he'll respect how i feel
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