Dont Lose Sight...

For the past few days I've been really searching hard within myself to find my answer of.. who am I, really? Or moreso, how can that be discovered?

I'm rather angry at myself and I'm also distressed because of my anger. It feels like a vicious cycle, honestly. I'm angry because I see my ex going out and doing things with his friends and having his time occupied and now that Army Boy is gone I'm faced with the dilemma of how to fill my time. Summer school is officially over and I'm no longer working. All my friends have things they need to do so I'm left by myself. Alone. How am I supposed to "grow" by myself? Now I understand the point of being single is to experience not being a couple and see how life is like living it for myself but, how is it beneficial when I really have nothing better to do than watch tv? I don't have money to go out and find things to do with my time either or I really would go out and do things in the world.

Not being able to go out and do things or see my friends seems to be really impacting me in a negative way. My mood is foul and my spirit is dejected. I'm tired of shedding tears. I'm jealous that my ex gets to do those things. And maybe he's keeping busy so he doesn't feel sad or lonely, but the fact that he's able to keep busy and I'm not is bothersome. I want to be able to go out and have fun too damnit!

So as I was thinking about this problem of mine, I went back and read some old posts and discovered that I said i would post about my tattoo and it's meaning.. this kind of helped me focus on what it is i'm looking for in myself..

My tattoo is of the Purple Leaf Plum Tree leaves and flowers, a full moon and the words "Ya Jestem" which is Polish for "I Am". I chose this tree because when the leaves are fully grown and out the tree looks like it might be dying because the color is so dark but in fact it is perfectly healthy. It's my favorite color and no two trees look quite the same.

There are bare branches, little flower buds and then fully grown flowers. The moon, different stages of the flowers and the state of being are all significant in that they show constant evolution. The moon is always changing. Flowers die and are reborn. "I Am" or the state of being is always changing.

A person never stays the same.

The other meaning behind the tattoo is to symbolize the significant life changing event I had. I was heading into a dark place within myself and it took about 5 years before I changed. I did this all on my own with no help from therapists or taking medication and I feel it's what pushed me to be a strong person for myself and for others. I helped myself and this tattoo symbolizes that I am no longer the person I was and I have the ability to change into the person I feel I want to be. The polish symbolizes the help I had when i met my ex. I truly believe that he was my reference for how I wanted to be and a way for me to remember what I don't want to go back to.