Make a Wish

so yesterday was the ex's birthday.. we're on friend-ish terms so of course i go out to dinner and drinks with our small best friend group. everything was fine before, during and a little bit after dinner. it's not until it's just me and him outside by my car that things change. (everything happens by my car.. maybe i just need to get rid of her lol)

anyway, i'm saying goodnight and he's shaking. i felt so bad because i had no idea what he was so worried about. apparently two nights ago he had a dream that shook him up and he really needed to ask me a question. so he asks and i answer honestly. crappy part is, my whole night is ruined. it's his birthday, but not just any birthday, it's his 21st so it's kind of special. i really don't want to be discussing whether or not i cheated while we were together. even though the answer is No i didnt, it still leads to one thing and then another and of course he asks me if i have come to a decision of any kind about how things are.. i'm still in the middle. then i completely shut down and i really just stare off into his shirt, the sky, the sidewalk, pretty much anything to avoid looking at him. i guess i looked angry because he just sighed and let me go home.

even right now i really don't know what to say. or think. or do. i kind of want to go over to the pan of birthday brownies i made him and eat the flame from the gel candle i drew on the top of them. if he's satisfied with how his birthday went then i want to use his birthday candle wish and use it myself because this is definitely not how i wanted to end my nite.

we're allowed to use other people's wishes right?

Sunny Side Up

this is long overdue and i'm pretty sure it's something i need to get back into. so here is my belated sunday post...

I'm thankful my friend recovered from the festivity mishap on saturday night

I'm thankful that my sisters are almost ready to pop out their babies. Both are having girls. Paige and Evangelina.

I'm thankful I finally get to have nieces.

I'm thankful my dad's shoulder surgery went well.

I'm thankful my grandma's back surgery went well.

I'm thankful for the everlasting devoted friendship I have from many.

I'm thankful for the experiences I've never experienced before.

Five Foto Friday

Dont Lose Sight...

For the past few days I've been really searching hard within myself to find my answer of.. who am I, really? Or moreso, how can that be discovered?

I'm rather angry at myself and I'm also distressed because of my anger. It feels like a vicious cycle, honestly. I'm angry because I see my ex going out and doing things with his friends and having his time occupied and now that Army Boy is gone I'm faced with the dilemma of how to fill my time. Summer school is officially over and I'm no longer working. All my friends have things they need to do so I'm left by myself. Alone. How am I supposed to "grow" by myself? Now I understand the point of being single is to experience not being a couple and see how life is like living it for myself but, how is it beneficial when I really have nothing better to do than watch tv? I don't have money to go out and find things to do with my time either or I really would go out and do things in the world.

Not being able to go out and do things or see my friends seems to be really impacting me in a negative way. My mood is foul and my spirit is dejected. I'm tired of shedding tears. I'm jealous that my ex gets to do those things. And maybe he's keeping busy so he doesn't feel sad or lonely, but the fact that he's able to keep busy and I'm not is bothersome. I want to be able to go out and have fun too damnit!

So as I was thinking about this problem of mine, I went back and read some old posts and discovered that I said i would post about my tattoo and it's meaning.. this kind of helped me focus on what it is i'm looking for in myself..

My tattoo is of the Purple Leaf Plum Tree leaves and flowers, a full moon and the words "Ya Jestem" which is Polish for "I Am". I chose this tree because when the leaves are fully grown and out the tree looks like it might be dying because the color is so dark but in fact it is perfectly healthy. It's my favorite color and no two trees look quite the same.

There are bare branches, little flower buds and then fully grown flowers. The moon, different stages of the flowers and the state of being are all significant in that they show constant evolution. The moon is always changing. Flowers die and are reborn. "I Am" or the state of being is always changing.

A person never stays the same.

The other meaning behind the tattoo is to symbolize the significant life changing event I had. I was heading into a dark place within myself and it took about 5 years before I changed. I did this all on my own with no help from therapists or taking medication and I feel it's what pushed me to be a strong person for myself and for others. I helped myself and this tattoo symbolizes that I am no longer the person I was and I have the ability to change into the person I feel I want to be. The polish symbolizes the help I had when i met my ex. I truly believe that he was my reference for how I wanted to be and a way for me to remember what I don't want to go back to.

Who Are You?

How do you know who you are?

On a journey to find yourself you realize,
How do i know what i'm looking for?
Will i know when i've found it?

Why am i so unhappy?

You look back and see...
He's doing what i want to be doing.
He's doing what i should be doing.
He's growing and..

I feel like i'm withering.

So how do you know who you are?
How do you "find yourself"?

Is it in your ability to handle being alone?
Is it in how often you go out with friends?
Is it making sure your day is filled just so you dont feel like you're wasting away?
Is it in what is accomplished either short or long term?
Is it in searching for answers?
Is it in finding those answers?

How do you know who you are?

Take a Breather

so i think ive been absent for quite a while. two weeks? maybe a lil more. the universe heard me. i asked to be kept busy and thats exactly what happened.

step by step sum up:

1) as of the second of july i've been officially single. it was weird the way it happened. we were hanging out because we had yet to solve the problem and he was sitting with me waiting for my car to be done and he asked, "so... when are we starting this break up?" haha. he said it right at the moment i was thinking that to myself. so i kind of looked over at him through my sunglasses and sighed.. "how about today?". and that was that. we finished getting my car done and went back to the house, had a really long hug. he cried. i didn't cry in front of him but i shed some tears on the car ride home. i couldn't really tell what i was feeling though. we haven't really talked since other than to discuss my puppy because she lives with him. we are going to another rave this weekend with our group so i'll see him there. but other than that i haven't thought about him much. ive been so busy with Army Boy that i haven't really had time to think about anything else other than school and him..

2) Army Boy.. has been exactly the remedy i needed to lift my spirits. i picked him up from the airport on the 4th.

(this almost didn't happen because for the few days before this i had a temperature of 101 because of a bladder infection but i magically was able to walk around on the 4th and got him. the 2nd and the 3rd though i thought i was going to die. i had to wait almost a week for my test results to come back so i could get my meds which just made the pain worse everyday. they came just in time tho)

anyway, i got him on the 4th and saw him everyday until this morning at 2am. the first week i was over at his place and the second week he was sleeping at mine everynight. we went to late movies and slept late and made dinner and acted ridiculous and sometimes we never left the couch. it was amazing. now, i don't exactly have the nervous butterflies when i'm with him, but i have this overwhelming urge to smile and just hold him as tight as possible and kiss him and never stop. there are moments i have with him where i find myself doing things i've never been able to do with anyone else. i have no sense of being self-conscious when he looks at me or touches me.. i feel a little more like myself with him. except i am jealous that so many other girls want him even though i know he ditched everyone the whole time he was home to be with me lol there are only a few things that make me hesitant about him but i don't know if that's just cuz he expresses himself differently than i'm used to or if it's me being dumb..

either way, i've been extremely happy the last two weeks and i'm sad he's flying back right at this very moment. good news? he'll be back in about a month and this time its for good!

3) Mr. Marine. What can i say about Mr. Marine other than he's young and immature and over the past two weeks our friendship has almost been.. "called off" twice. I always made jokes about my ex being too young (three months) but Mr. Marine is a little over a year younger than me and this is exactly the reason he and i can never be together. we've talked about this, i thought he came to terms with this but, as soon as Army Boy came home all of this changed. I was sick first for almost two weeks and really wasn't in the mood to converse with anyone so my texting was lagging. This is very traumatic for Mr. Marine because he feels like we need to talk constantly and if it's been more than an hour he misses me. Albeit this is sweet and i love him dearly but, i can only take so much. *deep breath* so the past two weeks i've had to deal with whining about how i'm not paying attention to him, how he's jealous of Army Boy, how he's sad because i am "romantically involved" with Army Boy, etc etc. He tried to make me feel bad that i won't ever have those types of feelings for him and said that "i'll just get the rest of my things and get out of your hair if that will make things easier for you to be with Army Boy"...

really? i don't understand.. we talked about this. i love him and all the friendship he's given to me and likewise from me to him and all we do for eachother but he knew i had feelings for Army Boy. you can't expect me to give you my full attention because we're not dating. we are not a couple. i just got out of a serious relationship and i can't just spend all my time talking to one person. i told him this too.. he'll be leaving the Marine Corps and going back home to texas so why should i devote all of my time to him? i can't. i need to find my own way because, THIS IS THE EXACT PURPOSE OF ME BEING SINGLE!..

Tell me, am i wrong? I can't commit all of my time to Mr. Marine or Army Boy or really anyone else for that matter because then what's the point in me even being single? i might as well just go back to my relationship and commit all of my time back to the ex. isn't the point of being single for me to find out who i am and hang out with lots of different people? i think so.. and i think Mr. Marine was really wrong for acting like that. he apologized because he realized that he was mad at his own life situation and took it out on me. we hung out a few days ago but it wasn't the same.

i think this whole life thing is really complicated sumtimes.. even though the past two weeks have been great, this now leaves it open ended for me and Army Boy, i'm still trying to figure out how i feel about being with or without the ex and i'm trying not to murder Mr. Marine.

anyway, i'm glad to be blogging again and can't wait to catch up on what i've mismysed..

missed you everyone!