I know this wholeheartedly that i am an attention whore. and that's fine with me. it's not really in the obnoxious way where i want everyone to look at me and be the center of attention. it's very relationship oriented. whoever i'm in a relationship with, i need to be a huge part of their focus. and not necessarily in a huge way of every part of every day. more like a small, steady stream of attention. a little caress on my arm, kisses throughout the day (big ones or small ones), a morning text and a good night text, etc. just little constants here and there.
and yes i give these too! even when i'm doing my homework i make sure to do something small like a kiss or an arm touch. it's not even like i go out of my way, it's that i know it feels good to be thought of, even if that thought is really small so i like to give that feeling to whomever i'm with.
it's just ridiculous how something i usually make fun of is really affecting me in my current situation. yesterday i felt crazy and couldn't sleep. i slept in today, told Army Boy (and i think i'm going to keep his name that way instead of changing it to the bf because it's cuter lol) that i wanted him even though i was sleepy and of course, he came to cuddle with me. even though i had been frantic last night, this morning i just wanted to be with him. obviously writing here makes me feel better which is probably why i wasn't thinking negatively, but really....he just makes me so damn happy.today we had amazing sex. haven't had sex like that in a while (which i'm sure is a contributing factor to my freak out). i've gotten used to a certain level of his libido and when that level fluctuates to every four days, kinda makes me feel like something is wrong and of course i'm going to internalize it and think that something is wrong BECAUSE OF me.
anyway, i've been asking for a while to be made purple and today it happened, among other things, and afterwards i felt like myself. and really, it's not necessarily BECAUSE OF the sex why i felt better. (well besides the fact that sex releases endorphins which make you feel better, sex always makes people feel better in general, and Army Boy can do some prrrretty freaking amazing things) lol i think i felt better because the way it was today is how we normally are. we always joke and things but, it felt like that barrier i talked about was gone. cuddling after an intense sex session like that is addicting...omg i can't believe i just thought of this now.
of course cuddling is amazing and i could do it all day but there's something i've done with Army Boy and him alone....cuddling after intense sex sessions like the one today. that's something i only have with him and it's something that i haven't been getting. i mean, he knows me really well and vise versa, we're ridiculously similar but so very different that knowing each other intimately isn't necessarily hard for us but it's that specific cuddling session that makes our relationship just that much more special. at least to me...because i've only ever done that with him.
and of course being his focus for (gosh it felt like hours and hours) that period of time makes me feel better. special. not only because he's focused on me but also because of what i do for him. i give myself to him in a way i've never done with anybody else....maybe that's what makes this relationship so scary? he's seen a side of me that no one else has and he has access to a part of me i've never let anyone else see...he could easily hurt me and take advantage. and because he's so special it would be very easy for him to do that
(omg that was kind of a huge revelation for me...hold on a sec)...............i seriously never even thought about that before.
maybe because he makes me so happy and because he has a part of ME that no one else has is the reason i'm freaking out. maybe i'm too afraid that it won't work out. that it's too good to be true and it'll be gone.
but the more i freak out the more i turn into "that girl". the crazy one who freaked out over everything and pushed her bf away because she was making things up in her own head and he couldn't/wouldn't deal with it. that's what Mr. Marine told me today. i told him i know Logically that i'm being crazy and wat he told me really stuck. he said...
"you're being like how Mr. Big was with you. u have the least girl like mentality of all the girls i know, but ur still a girl and as a girl you guys over think things! so stop doing that and enjoy what you have because at this point i know the logical side of your brain has to be screaming that it's perfect to the crazy side of ur brain....you've been messy for a long time now and you've got a perfect chance to start over so don't be a dum girl"
i love him for this exact reason. he loves me enough to say shit how it is. and he's right.
this is my chance to start over and god i want to so badly!!! everything is perfect. but then of course there's that little nagging feeling that says something is wrong. now i just have to figure out if it's because i'm scared, or if it's because he really is doing something he shouldn't be behind my back. and of course i should just ask him because, after all, i want my new relationship to be better and one major flaw in my last one was communication. but even if he says all the right things again and i feel better, what if i stop feeling better? and if he's telling the truth?...it's up to me to believe him. but obviously my belief in him isn't lasting long which brings me back to, is it me or is this feeling i have based on something he's really doing?wow, i started to feel better and like i actually helped myself but those last few sentences totally brought me down again. and the sad/wonderful part is...
i know he could make me feel better even at this very moment
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