Down the Rabbit Hole..

so i'm not sure if it's because i'm getting sick, my lack of adequate sleep or the realization that this is my last month as a girl in a relationship, but today has been shitty. i woke up grumpy, went back to sleep for four more hours and was still grumpy.. i accepted it was just one of those days where nothing seems right but that doesn't necessarily make me feel better.

sometimes i get these over-whelming feelings as if something is wrong so i frantically text everyone close to me and make sure everything is ok. today was a little different though. i feel like something inside is dark and slumbering... like something isn't right but it's just with me. i guess now is a good a time as any to describe my relationship status:
in a relationship for almost 5 years now and at the end of this month it will be over. why do i have a timeline for that? because everyone knows there is no perfect time to break up, but in my case it's being centered around EDC which is at the end of june. we bought our tickets so it just made sense to wait until after the event. weird i kno.

i was ready to be done in january, he asked me to wait and so i did. my anger subsided and we became civil when we hung out. now we're kind of like friends except that i'm not ready to be fully committed anymore. i think that if i were to call off this.. weird phase we're in and be a couple again, i would feel like i short-changed myself out of experiencing my life just for myself and not for "us". does that make sense? i mean, i've been in this relationship for over four and a half years. i don't really even remember what it's like to live for myself anymore. that's something i started to taste while we weren't talking and i kind of liked it. i may seem like i'm being selfish but i don't think me wanting to be single to learn about myself is such a horrible idea. he understands and is willing to give that to me.

but im scared. i'm scared of being by myself. i'm scared that maybe i'll lose something i know was good for me. i'm scared that i won't want it back. i'm just scared of the unknown.. of rediscovering myself. for as headstrong as i am and for as much as i know, how much do i really know about myself anymore?

anyway... today was not a good day. monster headache. it was in the high seventies/low eighties which didn't help improve any part of my being, i'm tired and.. i miss what i had, i'm scared of what's in front of me and my heart realizes that there's more than one conflict to be conquered