i wrote this the other night...

Today, things were nice. Last night I had talked with Army Boy about everything that’s been keeping me up at night. We talked about school and what that means for us. I told him that I would really love for him to move in with me but I’m afraid that it’ll get jinxed if we do. Then we talked about flight school and he hasn’t decided if he wants to do that yet or not but it all depends on timing if he does decide to do that. I cant very well leave school for him to do that. Either way, we talked about everything and I felt better. Today was nice as well. We had amazing shower sex which im sure was amazing because I felt better about last night. Went to class blah blah blah then went to his house and did homework together. During homework is when everything changed…

In doing homework for my death and dying class, I got to thinking about all that goes into dying or preparing to die etc etc etc. working at an assisted living facility I have to deal with it and its sad. So thinking about things lead to thinking about other things and of course I get quiet. While doing homework Army Boy was having a fight about something with his friend Amanda and whether he says something or not, I know exactly how he’s feeling. I hate having empathic abilities…no I’m not crazy. I really do have a strong sense of empathy. I really used to get physically ill.

Anyway, I could feel he was pissed and his attitude started to stress me out because I went from thinking about dying to thinking about getting skool done to thinking about my entrance essays to thinking about moving to thinking about Army Boy’s attitude on long distance relationships (while it matches my usual answer, he’s the exception for me but when we were talking I didn’t sound like the exception for him) to thinking about how pissed I was that whoever the fuck he was talking to was pissing him off and wen he’s pissed he’s standoffish so now I have to deal with a moddy bf, which I don’t mind necessarily because I get moody but, it was just his stress on top of my stress and then I started to think about why it’s so hard to tell him things now vs before we were doing couple things.

A lot of it is because when people get too close I push them away. This he already knows though. It sucks but at the same time, what am I supposed to do? The logical answer is that I need to talk about what’s bothering me because when I stop talking it affects him too but, tonight, I realized something else. I’m in my head, a lot. A lot a lot and I have the ability to over stress myself (like I did on my car ride home). So because I’m in my head a lot I always have things to think about which makes my life feel dramatic, but really, I don’t have basically any drama. But the girls that he talks to always have drama! Always! And…I’m not going to be like that.

I don’t want to be like the other girls he talks to because they’re full of drama and I don’t want to be like that with him. So I’d rather deal with things on my own. I doubt the people he talks to would be girls that I hang out with which bothers me too because, they always have some shit happening that he feels he should help with because he’s such a ridiculously good friend so I have to deal with them because I’m dating him and what they do affects him. That’s shitty. I’ve never been down for my SO having shitty friends. I voiced my opinion when my ex’s friends were being assholes but I think if I were to say something to Army Boy it wouldn’t go so well because they’re girls and I don’t really get along with many of them anyway so it would be seen that way instead of the way I intended it to be. Whatever. Anyway. I figured that out tonight.

I don’t want to seem like just another dramatic girl who always has something wrong. I know I have things to be happy about every day. I just get a little stressed out and constantly worry Because I want everything to be happy every day.

I’m freaking cupcakes and glitter inside…seriously, I just want every day to be that way. Why is that so fucking hard?

methodical thoughts

so i reread my last two posts and upon closer inspection, i basically seem really bipolar lol it's not funny but it kind of is. i freak out and then i talk myself through it but somehow talk myself back into a freak out.

seriously, thank myself that i actually went out and got a therapist because, for as much clarity as i give myself here, i give myself just as many foggy thoughts. so i went to her and talked it over. "it" because my freak outs and how i Logically think i'm making a big deal out of nothing.

what really struck me about my last convo was what i said. and it struck her too actually. i said something along the lines of me being afraid he'll hurt me or he'll take advantage because of the piece of me he has. i wasn't thinking with depth enough, i just thought that realization was deep enough. i was wrong. i was thinking that maybe it's just residual feelings from my last relationship impacting my new relationship but apparently (and of course this seems like common sense) it's my past experience of being hurt and abused as a kid that's impacting my thoughts, feelings and actions in my relationship with Army Boy. things i as a grown person have come to terms with but have totally ignored how those past experiences shape the person you are.

my poor communication skills and my fear of this being "too good to be true. he must want to hurt me eventually" are products of past experience. anyway, this is a little bit boring but i guess i just never realized how poor my communication skills are. i've learned that i can take care of myself and i don't need anyone to help but these skills aren't conducive to a relationship. and it's hard to be in a relationship if you can't express yourself or if you've experienced betrayal from your family. being really independent is counterproductive to a relationship. also i think, i know what i'm capable of...after all, when we started talking i was still with Mr. Big and i would go home at night and have a completely different life. i would be on my fone all the time doing one thing and saying another. so even though we're together all the time, i know things aren't always as they seem because i've done that.

and going out with someone who's just as strong willed as me puts this relationship on a different level.

anyway, i felt better after my last meeting. now that i know what i need to work on i just need to do it. slowly. methodically. with care.....and i can't act irrationally on my irrational thoughts. i mean, depending on which friend i talk to i get different answers about my feeling i have but, a person you're in a relationship with deserves trust until something has happened for that trust to be lost. and although i've had a lot of experience with people betraying my trust, i can't automatically assume that he'll do that to me. because i could ruin something really amazing.

he just makes me happy. trying to communicate with him is hard, though. even tho it's been over a year and a half and even though it was never hard to talk to him while he was away, it's so much harder in person that i can't be as open face to face. i'm supposed to be able to talk with him but fuck it's so hard. part of me really doesn't want to because i just want to deal with being crazy on my own, and the other part feels like i'm lying when i don't tell him things because i want to and i respect him and love him to a point that it bothers me when i can't get myself to grow relationship wise and treat him differently. better, in a sense, than what i'm used to doing.

i don't even know where i'm going with this post, or my own thoughts. i guess, i know logically he probably wouldn't hurt me, i need to be slow and thoughtful in my reaction to my own thoughts, and i eventually have to tell him what's going on i'm just scared to. ok, i think i can sleep. this isn't as bad as i thought. it's just harder to do than it is to say...

AA?...no no AWA

Welcome to tonight's meeting of AWA. I will be your group leader. My name's Teresa and...i'm an Attention Whore.

I know this wholeheartedly that i am an attention whore. and that's fine with me. it's not really in the obnoxious way where i want everyone to look at me and be the center of attention. it's very relationship oriented. whoever i'm in a relationship with, i need to be a huge part of their focus. and not necessarily in a huge way of every part of every day. more like a small, steady stream of attention. a little caress on my arm, kisses throughout the day (big ones or small ones), a morning text and a good night text, etc. just little constants here and there.

and yes i give these too! even when i'm doing my homework i make sure to do something small like a kiss or an arm touch. it's not even like i go out of my way, it's that i know it feels good to be thought of, even if that thought is really small so i like to give that feeling to whomever i'm with.it's just ridiculous how something i usually make fun of is really affecting me in my current situation. yesterday i felt crazy and couldn't sleep. i slept in today, told Army Boy (and i think i'm going to keep his name that way instead of changing it to the bf because it's cuter lol) that i wanted him even though i was sleepy and of course, he came to cuddle with me. even though i had been frantic last night, this morning i just wanted to be with him. obviously writing here makes me feel better which is probably why i wasn't thinking negatively, but really....he just makes me so damn happy.

today we had amazing sex. haven't had sex like that in a while (which i'm sure is a contributing factor to my freak out). i've gotten used to a certain level of his libido and when that level fluctuates to every four days, kinda makes me feel like something is wrong and of course i'm going to internalize it and think that something is wrong BECAUSE OF me.

anyway, i've been asking for a while to be made purple and today it happened, among other things, and afterwards i felt like myself. and really, it's not necessarily BECAUSE OF the sex why i felt better. (well besides the fact that sex releases endorphins which make you feel better, sex always makes people feel better in general, and Army Boy can do some prrrretty freaking amazing things) lol i think i felt better because the way it was today is how we normally are. we always joke and things but, it felt like that barrier i talked about was gone. cuddling after an intense sex session like that is addicting...omg i can't believe i just thought of this now.

of course cuddling is amazing and i could do it all day but there's something i've done with Army Boy and him alone....cuddling after intense sex sessions like the one today. that's something i only have with him and it's something that i haven't been getting. i mean, he knows me really well and vise versa, we're ridiculously similar but so very different that knowing each other intimately isn't necessarily hard for us but it's that specific cuddling session that makes our relationship just that much more special. at least to me...because i've only ever done that with him.

and of course being his focus for (gosh it felt like hours and hours) that period of time makes me feel better. special. not only because he's focused on me but also because of what i do for him. i give myself to him in a way i've never done with anybody else....maybe that's what makes this relationship so scary? he's seen a side of me that no one else has and he has access to a part of me i've never let anyone else see...he could easily hurt me and take advantage. and because he's so special it would be very easy for him to do that

(omg that was kind of a huge revelation for me...hold on a sec)...............

i seriously never even thought about that before.

maybe because he makes me so happy and because he has a part of ME that no one else has is the reason i'm freaking out. maybe i'm too afraid that it won't work out. that it's too good to be true and it'll be gone.

but the more i freak out the more i turn into "that girl". the crazy one who freaked out over everything and pushed her bf away because she was making things up in her own head and he couldn't/wouldn't deal with it. that's what Mr. Marine told me today. i told him i know Logically that i'm being crazy and wat he told me really stuck. he said...

"you're being like how Mr. Big was with you. u have the least girl like mentality of all the girls i know, but ur still a girl and as a girl you guys over think things! so stop doing that and enjoy what you have because at this point i know the logical side of your brain has to be screaming that it's perfect to the crazy side of ur brain....you've been messy for a long time now and you've got a perfect chance to start over so don't be a dum girl"

i love him for this exact reason. he loves me enough to say shit how it is. and he's right.

this is my chance to start over and god i want to so badly!!! everything is perfect. but then of course there's that little nagging feeling that says something is wrong. now i just have to figure out if it's because i'm scared, or if it's because he really is doing something he shouldn't be behind my back. and of course i should just ask him because, after all, i want my new relationship to be better and one major flaw in my last one was communication. but even if he says all the right things again and i feel better, what if i stop feeling better? and if he's telling the truth?...it's up to me to believe him. but obviously my belief in him isn't lasting long which brings me back to, is it me or is this feeling i have based on something he's really doing?

wow, i started to feel better and like i actually helped myself but those last few sentences totally brought me down again. and the sad/wonderful part is...

i know he could make me feel better even at this very moment

It's such a big mistake lying here in your warm embrace.

i spend too much time inside my own head and everything i think never ends up good for me. i sabotage myself and my relationships because i over analyze everything. and i'm sure it's easy to think, "well ya dumbass, if you know you do it then why don't you just stop?" well good question!! the answer is...because i don't fucking know how!!

basically, i feel almost certain that i'm going to fuck up my relationship. and by fuck up i mean, ruin it before it's had a chance to start. i'm thoroughly convinced i will make it crash and burn (not sure if i said it yet BUT! Army Boy and i are actually officially each others significant other now. like bf gf) anyway, the night it happened was so dramatic. said i felt like he was going to cheat and i wouldn't be enough and all of these other dramatic things....and of course he said all the perfect things to me. which is good. except when it's not. like now

i got over it fairly quickly. obviously. because rationally my brain knows that he wouldn't do that because 1) it was done to him and 2) why would he waste so much time sticking around through all my drama the past year if he didn't really care? oh and 3) because what kind of guy says you can go through his stuff if you don't believe him? NO GUY! that's right. so that made me feel better.

until the other day. i'm not quite sure what happened but everything just felt wrong again. i don't trust him. and the thing is, logically, i know i have no reason not to trust him... ok so maybe i need to explain my thought process for this to make sense...

i feel like he compartmentalizes the people in his life.
which is something i do and it's something that i do well
but...
i feel like i'm so ready to introduce him to my best friends...
my mom already does cute things like make food and always sets some aside for him..
we've basically been together on and off since he's been home,
that he's integrated into my life.
but how much am i in his?
there's still so much i don't know about him,
his friends,
other various personal things he doesn't talk about,
or a side of him i don't see often.
i feel like i become this needy person which isn't me at all.
i start feeling not good enough,
not pretty enough,
not thin enough...
i just feel like i'm not enough.
then i start thinking and comparing...
which is bad and i shouldn't do it but,
after 6 years of things being one way, you get used to it.
and i have to remember he is a different person.
he shows things differently.
he does things differently.
but then i worry that something isn't right....
and i think i figured it out that,
when we first got together,
more than things being new and us totally being mushy for the other,
there was an element he brought to our relationship,
and this element isn't something i'm getting currently.
so i think that it makes me feel less special.
like...
what makes me so different than any of the other girls he talks to?
maybe i'm not different.
maybe he's doing and saying things with them that he does with me.
maybe because i'm in the same state is the only difference.
maybe he hasn't told his "friends" we're together.
maybe he's not ready for me to be in his life as much as he is into mine.
or at least as much as i want him to be in mine.

basically, you can see how me living in my head can seriously screw things up. and the fucked up thing is, i can think all of these things and start pushing him away. i'll get quiet or kind of smartassy but not in a fun way. more like a mean way. so i'll push him away for maybe a day or a few days but i ultimately just end up missing him too damn much that i cave to myself and tell him i miss him and then i'm just a cuddle machine. it's really frustrating for myself.

i hate feeling crazy. i hate feeling insecure. i hate being skeptical. i hate that i don't understand why it seems like i'm bent on making this relationship crash and burn. i hate that i don't understand why he loves me. and even more than hating not understanding, i hate that i don't truly believe it.

today i was talking it over with my boss and i told her that i thought us being official would feel different. but it doesn't. and i think it's because, we were basically in a relationship this whole time and now all it has is a name that, it's kind of a weird relationship. idk why but it still kind of feels like we're two separate people who hang out alot and are together alot but there's something there that keeps us from being a couple but more like two separate entities just coming together at the end of the day. and, i do think it's important for couples to have their own lives, idk....to me it feels like there's this block and it's keeping us from being a couple couple.

and maybe it's me. which would make sense. i am going through alot and it doesn't help that i fuck with my own head so, i could very well be the barrier. i just wish i knew how to fix all the problems really quickly and make this relationship be what i know it can be. but maybe that's just it....i know it has the possibility of being something really great but we're so alike that it's freaking me out. i can't deal with dating myself lol seems like an unnecessary kick in the head. like, instead of being me i'm my ex and Army Boy is me. ironic no? i think it's kind of a shitty spot to be in......and maybe it's really only this complicated in my head and really things are just peachy. hmm....

how did i become like this? i really don't get it. it's so frustrating and i'm just so over it...over being me.

just. over it.

Human Push Broom

that's what i am. i just push people away and i push my feelings down. obviously it isn't working so well...the feelings part anyway. pushing people away though, still perfect.

took a shower last night and tried not to cry.
woke up this morning...same thing.

all day at work it was basically all i thought about. i hate having feelings because they're usually not wrong and that's the part i hate the most. i wish i could be wrong. but i know i'm not. so what to do?

first i need to figure out how much of the freak out is necessary.
then i need to figure out how much of it is me and how much of it is (other).
thirdly i need to deal with it. and i want to deal with it all at once. like a bandaid. that shit hurts if you're a bitch about it so i needa be a bamf and just rip it off all at once.

that's the hard part. confrontation. i'm good at it when i'm angry but basically any other time it's not my favorite. i'm good at it when i need to be but i'm not sure how it'll work this time.

i feel like the more i think about it the more i'm just making myself crazy. crazy. crazy. i feel fucking crazy!!! i'm not this person and i don't want to be this person but FUCK...that's what this is turning me into and if it won't change, or if i can't be convinced otherwise then it won't work. which is sad because i want this to work really badly. but make no mistake that i will drop this situation like a hot tamale because i don't deal with bullshit and especially after what i've been going through with the relationship crap, i definitely won't stand around unless it's 100 percent secure.

which is exactly what i don't feel right now. i feel like i'm on a fucking cliff. i felt like it was there and then i went looking for it even though it's smarter not to look for the edge and now i'm too scared to move off it....

fuck.

i feel like Ursula took my voice and put it in her shell necklace to keep forever and ever

i don't feel like myself.


the day before yesterday, Army Boy had spent the night and when he left in the morning he forgot his fone. Mr. Big text me asking if he could come over for a bit which was fine. i wasn't exactly in the mood for company seeing as i hadn't slept and was moody but we're trying to work out the semantics of our relationship/friendship/watever you want to call it so i bit the bullet and let him come over.

Army Boy IM'd me and said he's coming over anyway to get his fone. awesome. now i have to figure out how to make Mr. Big not encounter Army Boy because that's just awkward and wasn't something i wanted to deal with. it would have worked too except that apparently Army Boy wasn't being very incognito and was, according to Mr. Big "mad dogging" Mr. Big so Mr Big comes back into my house to point it out to me....i have to go over to Army Boy's car and give him his fone right in front of Mr. Big. awesome. just wat i wanted to do. so Mr. Big takes off and that's that. i didn't bother going out to lunch with him because if i wasn't in the mood to talk i'm sure he wasn't either.

anyway, now things are just a little weird between me and Mr. Big and idk quite what i'm doing to Army Boy but it's definitely a distance thing. i got kind of buzzed last night and when i get liquored up i get really gabby and just can talk talk talk. so of course that's when i do alot of texting because, one it's fun and two, it's kind of the excuse i need to talk about things i can't normally talk about.

so i ask Army Boy if we can finish our convo about "being official/unofficial". i'm an official type of person but i'm sure i'm not alone in saying that girls like to be asked out and don't want things to be assumed that they're someone's girlfriend. i want to be asked. it may be trivial and somewhat high school-ish but i don't give a fuck. i don't want to go on assuming things. anyway, even though i want to be asked, i don't want to be asked right now. we may be doing bf/gf things and acting like we're dating but i don't want the title. it takes it to a different level and i don't think i'm ready for that yet. i'm not seeing anybody else or have any interest in seeing anyone else but i still don't want to walk around with the title of girlfriend yet. it's really official and it takes the relationship to a more serious level. regardless if i act that way i don't think i'm ready for the title.


among other important reasons which i'm sure i'll discuss with my therapist (i got a therapist on tuesday btw), the most important is that i just got out of a relationship and i don't want to get into another official relationship too soon. i know i'm not totally ready to do that and to prevent fucking things up i'd rather keep it fluid and unofficial for now. seems like there's less to screw up that way.

as for the therapist thing, that happened on tuesday. i had been really moody a few days before and started closing myself off from people, especially Army Boy. the appointment went fine. pretty standard. taking background info on me, my health, my family, my relationship with family members, my love relationships and the stats on that and then that was that. the only problem is that i'm on my dad's insurance and for billing purposes they needed his address and social security number. obviously i don't have those stashed away with me so i had to call him for them. didn't want him to know so i've been avoiding him since that fone call. not something i want to deal with but i'm obviously going to downplay it as much as possible. i know what he's thinking. i've seen a therapist before because i was depressed and cutting so he probably thinks i'm back there again. which i'm not but i am but not to the extent which i'm sure he thinks im at.

but really, i don't know what's going on with me. i've never felt less like myself before. i'm insecure and needy and paranoid and have negative thoughts and feelings all the time....it's kind of hard to feel that way with Army Boy around me basically 24/7. you think it would help but it kind of makes it worse in a way because i'm not someone who talks about things easily so he can tell when somethings wrong and it sort of just emphasizes whatever is going on in my head.

honestly, i want it to be tuesday. i have a running appointment with the therapist for noon every tuesday. i want to go and just have word vomit. there's obviously stuff i'm not saying on here but with my dr it was so easy to just keep talking and talking. i'm sure part of it is that i willing chose to go to her but there i have no reservations about what i'm saying. i felt kind of sad leaving because i don't want to be back in a place where i need therapy but i guess it can only do good things for me and my relationships. and especially since i want to be a therapist it's good to know what it's like on the other side.

i wish i could just stay in a glitter la-la land. that would be nice.

can't sleep.

i can't sleep.
i can't sleep.
i cannot sleep.
i want to sleep.
and i can't.

i'm just having a total disconnect with human interaction. yesterday it was way awkward with Mr. Big and today it totally just fell apart while i was with Army Boy.

opening up is something that's hard for me to do so i'd rather not than subject myself to be seen. and it's way easier to be honest and forthcoming with innermosts when there's distance to absorb the uneasiness. and this is such a problem because i'm forthcoming to a fault with Army Boy and the farther away i am the more i'll say. this is good but the bad side is that when we're together and something is clearly wrong with me i won't say a thing. and i know it's all over my face. i'm not good at hiding my emotions anymore.

and honestly, when i say "nothing" it's because i mean it. what's wrong...? "nothing". nothing i feel like talking about right now. and just because i say nothing doesn't necessarily mean i won't ever say anything...it just means that at that moment nothing is wrong because i don't feel like talking about it. or talking at all.

which is why i haven't been blogging as of late i suppose. there's a lot going on and i really don't feel like talking about it but i can definitely feel an attitude change. i came home and started smoking and sleeping in late and trying to deal with stuff that i left behind for a month and it's not fun. facing shit isn't fun and i really wish there was a "no" button for life's situations and then you wouldn't have to deal with hard things. they would just magically be solved for better or worse and that's that. the end.

i wish.

so after that rant i'm trying to tie it into the beginning. i can't sleep. and i really can't place why i can't sleep. maybe i can but i really don't want to talk about it....

maybe that's the problem?